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Please take care of yourself. You can pull out of these feelings you have. You need to heal, that's all, and you will if you give yourself time.
The words above are wise, and I hope the OP will take them to heart. We can ermerge from the depths of darkness and despair, with time. And the amount of time required will vary from person to person.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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I found that talking helped. Not to a person, but to myself, to my husband's spirit, to the cats, the dog, the walls, outloud. Every thought was a spoken sentence. I talked to myself so often, I forgot and would do it in public. I'd ask myself questions and carry on conversations with myself. Actually, I was a very good conversationalist with me, myself and I. Seriously, though, it helped. When you "hear" yourself asking questions, or getting irritated, or finding answers for the questions, a lot of things come into focus. I'd argue with myself and try to convince myself that what I was doing was smart, and then explain to myself why it was smart, and in my lame excuses, find out it wasn't so smart after all. I told my therapist I was talking to myself, and she said, "Good. It's really hard to lie to yourself when you're talking out loud, so keep talking." You also don't make excuses for yourself when you try to rationalize your behaviour to yourself. It also makes you feel like you're not so alone as you finally have someone to talk to who understand how you're feeling. You might try it. It's especially good when you're made at him, and you tell him why. Always talk out loud....you'll be surprised at how astute you are and how in touch with your feelings that you are....Good luck, and if you need anything, PM me! Seriously!
My dear smilin, thanks again for sharing with us what you are going through. That shows courage and the desire to heal and get better.
I cannot imagine what you went through with your husband trying to harm you, and now dealing with his death. I'm glad you are getting professional help. You have a lot to process and deal with. Bless your heart.
I'm glad you are writing down your feelings here. You might try what marcy suggests, although I never talked to myself like she did/does, but it makes sense! She's a smart lady
If you want to talk, pm me and we can chat. I understand about being alone, but sometimes it just helps to talk to a friend that knows some of what you are going through. As I have posted here before, a friend of mine who is the director of a hospice facility once told me regarding grief, until you get it all out of you, you can never truly heal and move forward. Physically get it out of you......crying, writing, talking to yourself or someone else, etc.
Hi again! Anyone who reads your post, SMILIN, cares about you. We wish we could take the pain away. One thing that happened to me is I went thru cancer. Well, initially, after getting over a very confusing shock period, there were some things that I simply could not handle, so I asked the Good Shepherd to take those things for awhile, until He felt I was ready to take them back, and He took them, really and truly, what a relief, made the tough times easier and I was less emotionally spent.
Then sure enough, little by little, I got back one of several pieces of sadness I wouldn't look at before, and was able to plow through, and then another, and so forth. So, as another poster said, while you cannot bury these feelings, it's okay to file a few away until you're ready. I did a LOT of jumbled writing, got me a small but sturdy notebook, a real good pen, got as mad as I wanted, disrespectful as I needed, hatred came out of my pen, and whenever I had a lot of thoughts about my various situations, I'd write out my anger and worry, and it was SUCH a relief. Later I was able to find the positive in things I was still writing, to counterweight my misery times.
Something people may not have told you enough of, is you did your husband a big favor. He got to stay in his home longer than normal, he was in a familiar place, he was probably comforted by your presence some of the time; it's just he was out of his mind and very dangerous, so this messed things up for you. I think you should treat yourself now, and definitely do some drifting and "cozy" stuff around the house, find your life's comfort zones and spend time there.
As for your panic attacks, I'm glad you are taking anti-anxiety meds; that's what they gave me, and I've been on them at a fairly lose dose for about 15 years, and I went thru some therapy, and the attacks went away, but I kept the medicine because I still do get a little nervous, it was mainly about a tragic car wreck where I was disabled. It's where we're constantly bombarded by something: For me, it was pain; for you, it was fear for your life; for soldiers, it is the noise and death at the door. I'm glad you made links with your neighbors, and I hope you develop eventually a good friend from someone who has shown some extra interest in you and that you like.
Mostly I wanted to tell you I care, because you need to hear it, and I've been in a similar deep dark hole as you, so I've been in that world and sure don't want to go back! I want to give you a big hug, a cup of tea and a sweet roll (tea time!), maybe a new little puppy or kitten, paint the place you're in the most like the living room and comforting color that you love, make a garden spot outside.
And remind yourself, IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER, WHAT A RELIEF. For even tho you cared about your husband and stood by him, you also are tremendously relieved he's gone, which is a conflicting sentiment, but it's still true. You're mad, you lived a life in constant fear, and now you're left to get over the whole dang thing by yourself. And yet you lost your husband when he died... but you also lost him when he began to mistreat you, that's for sure, whether he knew what he was doing or not, he still made you feel terrible. And nobody deserves that. You got you some special stars that shine bright for you all night long, some flowers and people who gravitate towards your loving ways, and in the end, you done everything you could, and now you can do WHATEVER YOU WANT. Hugs and hearts and happy days to come, GG
smilin...Sorry you've been going through such a rough and scary period...I hope you can find a wonderful counselor who understands what you went through with Sam (at the end) and how it affects and haunts you today..I agree with what Marcy wrote about talking out loud...I just started doing more of this myself and it definitely helps me and my cats too...Anyway we're all "rooting" for you and love you! Please share more anytime!
Thank you all for your support and caring ways. Through your support I was able to attend a function and talk to people. I find I am not as talkative and I had to leave the room a few times because of the noise but I was so grateful and thankful to be out of the house.
Thank you all for your support and caring ways. Through your support I was able to attend a function and talk to people. I find I am not as talkative and I had to leave the room a few times because of the noise but I was so grateful and thankful to be out of the house.
Good luck with the doctor this week....Please let us know how your are doing. You have had an especially tough life and I want you to get better.
Jude
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