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Fran66...Thanks for writing back! I think we're all probably "do-gooders" to some extent. Don't you?...I know I've stuck my neck out and said "too much" at times. (In the guise of "helping.")...My intentions were sincere. But I got caught-up in the "one size fits everyone" mentality. (Without realizing it at the time.)...As far as my friend goes I worry about her for a variety of reasons. (But keep "mum" about it.)...Sometimes she's not always a very "happy camper" because she has so much on her "plate" all the time...I can "feel" (or pick-up) a lot of anger and resentment in her voice at times. (We used to call this playing "suffering martyr" in my family.)...My friend feels obligated to "take-on" everything and starts new projects left and right. (Projects on top of projects on top of even more projects!)...Her husband used to say that he wished she would take a little time "off" once in awhile but this is not her nature...She's very caring and "giving" but she's on a "budget" when it comes to the amount of time she can "offer" to the people in her life. (Due to all of her round-the-clock projects and chores etc.)
Ok, I'm going to play counselor. Seriously, now, You've had your own grief. Why are you so concerned about her? Usually when we're so concerned about someone else (who is so busy that you two don't see each other very much), we're using that concern to not have to think about our own problems. Of course, in some ways we can't win for losing. If you weren't concerned, somebody would be calling you callous and uncaring. But she's not posting here. You are. And why do I know more about her than I know about you? You don't have to answer. I would just like to think. Are you perhaps using your concern for her to keep from having to deal with some of your own 'stuff'?
Fran66...Thanks for your responses back and forth...Maybe it's about more than just grief. (My friend's grief or my grief.) Although I feel really sad that my friend lost her husband...I think I probably need to make a few new friends (too) who have more available time...My husband and sons are "gone" now. (Along with my former life.) And I'll need to "start-over" bit by bit. (When I feel up to it.)...I definitely want to keep my existing friends. (Forever!) But the friends I have right now fit my former life more than my present "state." (If this makes sense.)...I'm just trying to figure out how I feel and "why" and what I might need today...I will never be a "social butterfly." But I do need a little bit "more."...I do think people can put up "walls" through their perpetual "busyness." I've even done this myself at times...I'm examining all kinds of things right now including my own behavior and lifelong patterns and tendencies etc.
Losing my entire family has definitely made me examine my priorities in life...My husband said that his first wife made having a super-clean and "spotless" house more important than him and the kids. At least this is how he felt...So he was happy that I was more relaxed and casual when it came to housekeeping!
My longtime friend lost her husband last week...She plans to do what she's always done...Keep busy!.. So busy that she won't have much time to "think" or "feel" etc...My friend comes from a family where everyone "stays busy" most of the time and this is basically all she knows...Her family members will expect her to find non-stop things to "do!"...My friend's husband was even making daily lists of things for her "to do" on his death-bed. (Right-up until the very end.)...I've felt close to my friend for decades even though we haven't always seen or talked to each other all the time. (Because she's been "busy" since the day we met.)...Over the past few weeks I kept myself pretty busy. (Without much "free" or "off" time.)...After awhile I started feeling like I was going to "crack-up" (or have a breakdown) because I forgot to "feel" or cry and became like a robot!...Have you ever experienced anything like this? How do you feel about excessive "busyness" day after day? Thanks for listening. (And sharing too!)
Sorry to hear about your friend's husband. I got a call two weeks ago from my friend's husband telling me she had died of a heart attack three weeks ago. We know each other from grade school. And yes I feel the need to be busy all the time. The robot thing is true...going through the motions of everyday life and trying not to think. I go into the bedroom I think of him dying right there.
I was just out on an errand and it hit me that I haven't had a good laugh til I cry episode. Bob and I would joke and sometimes watch something on TV that struck us as funny. We would laugh til it hurt. I get that empty feeling and my tears flow like they are now.
Jude...I'm sorry your friend passed away...How did her husband sound? Does he have a lot of support? Hope so...Sorry it's been so rough for you without Bob...I finally got out my son's last cell phone today. (It had been packed away.)...Boy, I sure cried and cried and even checked to see if the cell phone still had his scent on it...I've tried to be "less busy" since I started this thread and I've had to deal with a lot of feelings lately. (Since I'm not so distracted.)
Jude...I'm sorry your friend passed away...How did her husband sound? Does he have a lot of support? Hope so...Sorry it's been so rough for you without Bob...I finally got out my son's last cell phone today. (It had been packed away.)...Boy, I sure cried and cried and even checked to see if the cell phone still had his scent on it...I've tried to be "less busy" since I started this thread and I've had to deal with a lot of feelings lately. (Since I'm not so distracted.)
He was still in shock. It was the second marraige for both of them. She had a daughter and he has children. I am here in Atlanta and he is in California. I did mention to him to look into a GriefShare group.
I hope you do better today. I was just out sitting on my deck watching the birds feed. So beautiful this time of year. I pictured Bob sitting across from me with a cup of coffee....just wishing
Jude...I can relate...I miss having coffee (and conversation) with my husband in the morning too...Hope your friend's husband does okay and finds the support he needs right now. What is "GriefShare" like?..I'm letting my friend take the "lead" when it comes to offering support and trying to "be there" for her, etc...She has a big extended family and lots of other friends "on-call" for her and she seems to be doing okay so far.. It definitely helps to have some type of support network.
Jude...I can relate...I miss having coffee (and conversation) with my husband in the morning too...Hope your friend's husband does okay and finds the support he needs right now. What is "GriefShare" like?..I'm letting my friend take the "lead" when it comes to offering support and trying to "be there" for her, etc...She has a big extended family and lots of other friends "on-call" for her and she seems to be doing okay so far.. It definitely helps to have some type of support network.
GriefShare can be found www.griefshare.com It is usually sponsored by a church. It is scripture related. I am not a religious person, but I found it helpful, if only for the company of those in my situation. There is a workbook and the course runs 13 weeks.
Staying busy all the time is right but one cannot forget her sorrow fastly and it is not easy also.She has to think and stubborn herself that god is for her and wants her to do some great thing.
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Seriously, now, You've had your own grief. Why are you so concerned about her? Usually when we're so concerned about someone else (who is so busy that you two don't see each other very much), we're using that concern to not have to think about our own problems. Of course, in some ways we can't win for losing. If you weren't concerned, somebody would be calling you callous and uncaring. But she's not posting here. You are. And why do I know more about her than I know about you? You don't have to answer. I would just like to think. Are you perhaps using your concern for her to keep from having to deal with some of your own 'stuff'?
