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Wow, this thread has generated a lot of interest...and opinions. I agree it was tacky and inappropriate of the niece to take pictures of your mother in the casket, at least without asking. However, I did take photos of my mother in the casket and here's why:
I had been very worried about how my mother would look -- would they do her hair in an old-lady style (she was old but her hair was very casual and stylish)....would they do her makeup right (I had been to several recent funerals where the deceased had no eye makeup and looked awful because they normally wore it in real life, or in one case they parted the hair on the wrong side)....my mother looked awful without makeup so I gave them a whole bag of her own makeup.....I gave them five photos of her so they'd get it right....etc. etc. etc. I talked to a friend whose mother had recently died, and I asked if you're allowed to "tweak" the hair or makeup if it's not right. She said yes, and she said actually her mother had looked so beautiful in the casket, she wished she had taken a picture. I remembered that.
I get to the funeral home a half-hour before the viewing starts. I am taken aback by how beautiful my Mom looks. A couple things need tweaking -- lipstick needs to be lightened, hair needs to be changed a little on the sides -- and the funeral lady helps me with the last-minute changes. I actually put a touch more eyeshadow on her. Did I feel creeped-out? Nope. My mother was long gone. She had been in a coma for six days and even then, she was long gone. I was adamant that she look perfect in that casket, and she did. The flowers around the casket were color-coordinated with her soft pink top. She would have been pleased with how she looked. I have no siblings so I did it all myself.
The next morning, before anyone came in, I remembered what my friend had said. With no one else in the room, I took some photos. I wanted to remember how pretty my Mom had looked. I didn't know whether I'd ever look at the pictures, but I didn't want to regret not taking them. I printed them at home on my own printer, and I deleted the images from my camera. The pictures are in an envelope in the memory book. No one has ever seen them but me. I did look at them once or twice since she's been gone.
So my point being, if you want to take photo of your loved one, do it. As long as it is done in a respectful, dignified way, I don't see a problem with it. It's your loved one.
At the viewing, my mother realized that my dad's hair was parted on the wrong side and someone had forgotten to put on his glasses. He's worn eyeglasses since he was about eight years old and didn't look quite right without them.
At the viewing, my mother realized that my dad's hair was parted on the wrong side and someone had forgotten to put on his glasses. He's worn eyeglasses since he was about eight years old and didn't look quite right without them.
I know, that's what happened with my girlfriend (sudden death in her 50's). She looked sooo unlike herself. They had parted her hair on the wrong side; they had bouf'ed her hair up when she used to wear it flat-ironed straight; they did not put any eye makeup on her and she definitely used to wear it. I can understand a family being in shock and not even thinking about that stuff, but as her girlfriends, we know she would've been appalled.
Another friend who died in her 50's looked totally awful in the casket. She was a fair blonde who always wore eye makeup and again, they had none on her, making her eyes look really pale. Someone had put her in an awful old-lady outfit, and she was anything but an old lady in life.
After those two incidents, I realized that I could not just let it up to the funeral home to prepare my Mom for viewing -- I really had to be involved and I had to show up early to the viewing just in case there were any last-minute changes. Just a word of advice to anyone else in this situation.
Tamiz, yes I can imagine that seeing eye makeup on someone who didn't normally wear it in real life can be just as disconcerting. I don't understand how funeral homes don't ask for pictures of the deceased so they can at least have some idea of which way to part the hair, for goodness' sake.
I don't see the big deal in taking a photo. In fact, I wasn't able to be at my father's funeral and would have LIKED someone to take photos in my absence, or--had I gone, I would've taken some myself. I would've been discrete, maybe used a camera with a silent shutter rather than a loud "CLICK! and such, but I would've taken some.
Death is as much of a part of the existence of our earth-life as anything. I want to see EVERY experience in my life in photos to remember it later--not necessarily to obsess over it in a morbid manner, but to remember it. It seems, though, people only want the beautiful things in photographs, when frankly in certain realms I would quite the much like it honest. Hey, life isn't always pretty. Photos sometimes do a service in reflecting that--no so we can dwell on it, but just to acknowledge it.
In like manner, it's funny to me how when someone beautiful dies, as in an actor/acress, they only show photos of what they looked like when they were young & pretty. News-flash--Lena Horne wasn't a gorgeous model when she was still alive in her later years. Neither was Elizabeth Taylor. I want to see the entire circle of things, I don't need protecting & being brainwashed to believe that Elizabeth Taylor never aged & always looked amazing in a bikini even 2-odd years ago by hiding any recent photos of her.
In like manner, someone in your life does, it's part of the circle of life. Some people think taking photos at a funeral just isn't "what you do," but had I been there, I'd taken a few, discrete ones but I still would've. I certainly wish someone else would've so that I would've seen how it went.
My brother passed away in his bed a few days ago. I didn't think of it at the time, but now I wonder if I should have taken a picture of him. He looked peaceful lying there.
The thing is that my parents and I never took any pictures of him in recent years because of the condition he was in. We only have a few photos taken by the workers at the group home for mentally disabled people where he lived.
There will be no funeral, so when I saw him in his bed, that is the last time I will ever see him.
My brother passed away in his bed a few days ago. I didn't think of it at the time, but now I wonder if I should have taken a picture of him. He looked peaceful lying there.
The thing is that my parents and I never took any pictures of him in recent years because of the condition he was in. We only have a few photos taken by the workers at the group home for mentally disabled people where he lived.
There will be no funeral, so when I saw him in his bed, that is the last time I will ever see him.
Sorry for you loss. Do you have any pictures from the "good days"? If so that is what I would treasure and want to remember.
Sorry for you loss. Do you have any pictures from the "good days"? If so that is what I would treasure and want to remember.
Thanks longnecker. My mom found all his old photos and I was looking thru them just now. He was soooo cute in his early years. We will miss him greatly.
I know, that's what happened with my girlfriend (sudden death in her 50's). She looked sooo unlike herself. They had parted her hair on the wrong side; they had bouf'ed her hair up when she used to wear it flat-ironed straight; they did not put any eye makeup on her and she definitely used to wear it. I can understand a family being in shock and not even thinking about that stuff, but as her girlfriends, we know she would've been appalled.
Another friend who died in her 50's looked totally awful in the casket. She was a fair blonde who always wore eye makeup and again, they had none on her, making her eyes look really pale. Someone had put her in an awful old-lady outfit, and she was anything but an old lady in life.
After those two incidents, I realized that I could not just let it up to the funeral home to prepare my Mom for viewing -- I really had to be involved and I had to show up early to the viewing just in case there were any last-minute changes. Just a word of advice to anyone else in this situation.
Tamiz, yes I can imagine that seeing eye makeup on someone who didn't normally wear it in real life can be just as disconcerting. I don't understand how funeral homes don't ask for pictures of the deceased so they can at least have some idea of which way to part the hair, for goodness' sake.
This post is surprising to me. I had a loved one die & the funeral home went to family to ask for her make up the one she actually wore including her signature lipstick. IMO you CAN give them the supplies. Sorry for your loss
Creepy. Must be a cultural thing. I knew a woman who had a picture of her dead baby. It was really in bad taste, INMO to have it on the wall with pictures of her other kids.
Many Latinos have shrines, or is it a Catholic thing? A shrine in the home with candles, picture of deceased. Pictures of the casket, funeral.
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Sorry for you loss. Do you have any pictures from the "good days"? If so that is what I would treasure and want to remember.
