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Three years ago my mother died after a long illness, and short, traumatic hospitalization. I was the only child who lived nearby, so I had the daily dealings with the hospital, and then making sure my dad was doing OK. (My parents were married 45 years.) We called or texted daily and I attended several social events with him and his friends, until he was up to going on his own. Over time we started speaking once a week or so. He has a busy schedule now and doesn't always call back. I like spending time with my dad, but I'm also happy to see him doing well on his own.
My problem is with a couple members of my family. If Dad happens to talk to them when he's having a bad day, I get a call telling me I need to call more often, or visit more. It's worse on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc. Most of them I would call Dad anyway, but I can't bring myself to call on Mom's birthday, their wedding anniversary, or the anniversary of her death. I always call the day after to check in. Dad understands those days are difficult for me, and waits to hear from me. These family members contact me for every single significant date, telling me I need to remember to call my dad. My two out of state brothers don't get these calls and texts. Because of these people, I get guilt and anger piled onto already difficult days. I realize my dad lost his wife, why can't these people realize I also lost my mom? My dad is absolutely not the problem, and I'll always do whatever I can for him.
Has anybody else run into this? I don't respond to these calls and texts anymore because I can't stand it. I think I'm just venting.
Three years ago my mother died after a long illness, and short, traumatic hospitalization. I was the only child who lived nearby, so I had the daily dealings with the hospital, and then making sure my dad was doing OK. (My parents were married 45 years.) We called or texted daily and I attended several social events with him and his friends, until he was up to going on his own. Over time we started speaking once a week or so. He has a busy schedule now and doesn't always call back. I like spending time with my dad, but I'm also happy to see him doing well on his own.
My problem is with a couple members of my family. If Dad happens to talk to them when he's having a bad day, I get a call telling me I need to call more often, or visit more. It's worse on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc. Most of them I would call Dad anyway, but I can't bring myself to call on Mom's birthday, their wedding anniversary, or the anniversary of her death. I always call the day after to check in. Dad understands those days are difficult for me, and waits to hear from me. These family members contact me for every single significant date, telling me I need to remember to call my dad. My two out of state brothers don't get these calls and texts. Because of these people, I get guilt and anger piled onto already difficult days. I realize my dad lost his wife, why can't these people realize I also lost my mom? My dad is absolutely not the problem, and I'll always do whatever I can for him.
Has anybody else run into this? I don't respond to these calls and texts anymore because I can't stand it. I think I'm just venting.
I don't think you can make these people understand your POV, so you are doing the right thing by not responding to their insensitivity. It seems to be the most sensible way to handle it.
If you wanted to, you could respond by telling them the truth: that these days are difficult for YOU, too. But something tells me you'd just be banging your head against the wall. They sound like they don't have much sense to begin with if they think it's their business to remind a grown woman to call her father.
I am sorry about the loss of your mother. I hope that the good memories you have alleviate your grief somewhat.
You know, I'd find a card or write a note in advance of the dates of your mom's birthday and passing, and I'd send them to your dad. If brothers complain, you can say you wrote him a note, and that it is hard for you to deal with a conversation on those days.
And it wouldn't hurt to tell them they over stepping boundaries by demanding you do something that is painful to you.
If you dad got a card or note from you, he would understand that you are thinking of him and your mom.
Hi, you have my deepest sympathy. I completely understand how you feel. To lose a mum that you loved dearly is really terrible. I lost my mum in 1986 to cancer. One minute there was mum, dad, my six brothers and me, the only girl, she and I were like sisters and then within months of finding out, she was gone, the heart of the family ripped out. Because I lived close to dad I visited everyday but for years my heart was too heavy to see him on her birthday or their anniversary as I knew I was in danger of breaking down in front of him so I would talk to him on the phone instead and spend longer with him the next day.
I think you've done a brilliant job of being there for your dad. Siblings that live away can usually be very insensitive when it comes to the person whom dad would be lost without if they weren't around, so please ignore any moans that come from them. You know yourself you are doing everything you can do for your dad so well done you.
Thank you all for your support. It's not my brothers who are being critical. My oldest brother has thanked me and apologized for not living close enough to bear some of the daily weight. I've talked to him about the situation and he says ignore it. He and my younger brother make a point of calling on the hard dates. It's my dad's family who feel it's necessary to "keep me in line", although they live out of state and aren't around for the day-to-day either.
A few months ago my husband and I had to move out of state for my husband's work. My 2 college aged children decided to stay behind. My daughter moved into my dad's guesthouse, and my son lives just an hour away. I still talk to Dad at least once a week. Honestly, I think we're all handling it quite well. The relatives just have a way of putting me on the defensive on days that are already hard enough.
Sorry that your dad's family are on your back. I guess for them the saying "easier said than done" applies. Maybe they're feeling guilty for not being there themselves so they're trying to project their guilt onto you. Don't let them. You and your father know the score...that's all that matters...you sound very attentive to your dads needs.
Thank you all for your support. It's not my brothers who are being critical. My oldest brother has thanked me and apologized for not living close enough to bear some of the daily weight. I've talked to him about the situation and he says ignore it. He and my younger brother make a point of calling on the hard dates. It's my dad's family who feel it's necessary to "keep me in line", although they live out of state and aren't around for the day-to-day either.
A few months ago my husband and I had to move out of state for my husband's work. My 2 college aged children decided to stay behind. My daughter moved into my dad's guesthouse, and my son lives just an hour away. I still talk to Dad at least once a week. Honestly, I think we're all handling it quite well. The relatives just have a way of putting me on the defensive on days that are already hard enough.
MommaRed,
Answer the calls, and when they say call your father, tell them to call him.
Sometimes you have to be ignorant to ignorant people. That's all they understand.
If you don't, you will forever hear it.
YOU TEACH people how to treat you.
Remember that.
Sorry for your loss, I can relate.
MommaRed,
Answer the calls, and when they say call your father, tell them to call him.
Sometimes you have to be ignorant to ignorant people. That's all they understand.
If you don't, you will forever hear it.
YOU TEACH people how to treat you.
Remember that.
Sorry for your loss, I can relate.
I am sorry for your loss.
I agree that you should be honest with your dad's relatives and tell them that those days are very difficult for you, too so you talk with your dad the day after. Also, ask them if THEY remembered to call your dad. If they haven't please remind them that they need to do it, after all they may of lost a cousin-in law or sister-in-law but he lost his wife and you lost your mother.
I never turn my phone off, in case my kids need me. If my dad did call on those days, I would want to take his call. I stopped answering when I see it's these relatives, so they send texts, which I don't respond to.
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