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OP, I have gone through similar situations recently. When my father died, my oldest son drove up and spent his last day with him. On the day of the memorial service, the forecast was for snow. I was already there, but the plan was to have the oldest son drive his brothers up for the service. However, he had never driven in the snow, much less mountain snow, and I couldn't in good conscience allow him to make the trip. I told my mother they would be at the 2nd, out-of-state service. Then that was scheduled during the boys' final exams. I knew my father would never have wanted them to jeopardize their education, so they missed that too. My relatives completely understood, but my sons were saddened to miss it.
My brother was killed recently in an accident. The original date we got for the funeral was over a week away, so plans were made for all to attend. Then the body was released much sooner than expected (an autopsy was performed), and the date was moved up to a 48 hour timetable. My kids are away at school, and there was no possible way to get them back in time to make the trip with us. Again, they were upset, but everybody else understood.
Funerals are a nice way for friends and family to say goodbye, but with familes and friends spread across the country, it no longer seems logical that everyone can be there for them.
Thanks for the replies. I went to mass this morning and lit some candles, I then waited afterwards and spoke to the priest for 45 minutes which helped. Me and my wife's relationship is now a big concern. She is still very upset with me that I let this happen, but also feels hurt that her and my 2 boys didn't seem to matter when this decision was made. And no one from my family has reached out to her, and now I am starting to wonder as well why not? I sure as hell hope they don't blame her for me not going. I could have probably gone up, but I felt it would be very uncomfortable for me to be there without my wife and kids while both my brothers entire families would be there. I guess it will take some cooling off for a while and hopefully time will heal.
Thanks
Has your wife contacted your mother? She should call and offer her condolences. She shouldn't expect any of the family to call and apologize for making it impossible for her to attend...that's kind of a selfish expectation on your wife's part.
Has your wife contacted your mother? She should call and offer her condolences. She shouldn't expect any of the family to call and apologize for making it impossible for her to attend...that's kind of a selfish expectation on your wife's part.
Yes, indeed.
Your wife seems to be making this about her and her needs and your children's needs when it isn't about your wife and your children; this was about your mother and her husband (your father).
The person who should be reaching out is your wife - reaching out to her mother-in-law, and totally putting aside her own feelings as far as being involved in a service, etc.
In addition, this was your father who died. She should be focusing on YOUR grief and feelings, not expecting you to have to deal with her feeling left out somehow or that her needs were not considered. It was up to your mother to decide when things took place and it was up to you to decide if and how your family could participate. You decided you could not participate (for all valid reasons) and so your wife should be focusing on supporting that decision. You were there to help with your mother and brothers and to be there for support to your mother. That was what you needed to do. You have nothing to feel guilty about, but I am very concerned that your wife is putting herself in the center instead of your mother - and to some degree - you (as a grieving son).
What would your daddy say. You know he would have said don't worry about it. Death is a stressful time and people are running around in a blur. So it may be a good idea to speak with your wife and suggest she let it go and abide by your mother's decision. Things like this can go on for years and I'm sure your pops wouldn't want anyone to have bad feelings toward anyone. You did what you had to do and you handled it the best way you thought the situation should be handled.
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