Need prayer and advice, saying good bye to my Mom next week for what could be the last time she's alive.
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Concentrate on the privilege it has been to have her as your mom and also your ability to share the past several weeks with her. Trite as it may seem you have been here for her as long as has been practical maybe even a little beyond that point. You can not beat yourself up forever. I would suggest speaking with a bereavement counselor perhaps one that is connected to a hospice in your hometown, they often deal with people who are in your position. May you find peace.
My Mom died six months ago. She was almost 90 and had dementia. I wasn't there when she died as we live cross country, but I did have the hospice nurse put the phone to her ear the last two weeks of her life to tell her how much I loved her and that it was ok to let go. She was unresponsive her last two weeks. She hung on despite not being given food and just water to wet her lips, for those two weeks.
I kept hoping I would see her after she died like an apparition or send me a sign that she was alright. About three months after her death, the lamp on my side table next to me suddenly shook and then suddenly stopped. No wind, table didn't move, just the lamp. It happened one more time after that. I prefer to think she was saying hello. Not sure about your dreams of deceased loved ones, but in my dreams they are all young and healthy. Hopefully, in time I won't wake up crying when I dream of my Mom
Mikesmom, I too, believe that we get signs from our loved ones. My advice to you is try to think of all those people that you know who lost a parent when they were young and didn't have the great memories that you do. Our memories sustain us through the dark days,
I'm so very sorry you are going through this with your momma.
My mother in law, very dear to me, just passed in February. Also, very quickly, with a very aggressive sarcoma.
We were there for her last two weeks, although my hubby had been driving down to see her almost every weekend (we live 400 miles away). She had told us, don't come down. Our cousin, thankfully, told us, GET HERE QUICKLY. We saw her and spent time with her the last day she was lucid, and our cousin told her, that she was terminal.
That day, I was able to spend some alone time with her, and we smiled about good times we talked about. I also told her that she raised two fine men, who are strong, but also very kind and gentle, and they learned their compassion from her. I thanked her for raising my husband to be the man he is. I held her hand a lot those last two weeks.
We too, finally had to go back home. At that point, she was on so much morphine that she wasn't with us anymore, although she would smile a bit if I would lean close and stroke her head, and kiss her cheeks, or talk about her sons, her husband, her grandkids.
Just be there for her. Keep an eye on her pain level and let the nurses know when she is struggling with pain. I hate to think what she would have gone through if we hadn't been there 24/7 to help her get through it. Talk to her, stroke her, kiss her, read to her, sing to her. Announce when you are coming or going and tell her when others come in or leave - they can still hear you through all that morphine.
We told her we were leaving, we loved her so much, and we would come back. Our college daughter told her that she loved her Nana to the moon and back and would always think of her. She passed the next morning, at home, surrounded by her husband, and her other son and his wife.
You may not have two months to wait. I would say it is more important to you and your mom to go out again while she is still alive - I humbly think it is more important for you to spend any time with her, than to be at the service.
How did I hold up? I just did what I had to do for her, to try to make it better for her. I've never been in that situation before. My life view is that we will all pass, and it's a natural part of life. The hospital staff, and the hospice staff were wonderful. For me, she always said, It is what it is. That is my mantra. She fought the cancer all the way to the end, she was prepared for more chemo. I miss her, I mourn her, but she would want us all to go on and live life. I still have tears for her sometimes, but I smile too at her memory, and think about all the volunteer work she did for the American Cancer Society, specifically the After Breast Cancer support group. She inspires me to help others.
I'm so very sorry, really I am.
Last edited by justducky2; 03-31-2014 at 11:19 PM..
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Originally Posted by mikesmom
I understand completely what you are going through on all levels. Lost my Mom six months ago. 3000 miles away, not sudden yet unexpected and could not go to the funeral. Being with your Mom in her final days is much more important, to me than attending a service after she is gone. She knows you love her and so does your family, but you still have to deal with your own life and situation and what is right for you. Are you more concerned what the family will think if you are not at the service or how you will feel?
I will be at the service. I just had to come back out West, since to change an outbound flight less than 72 hours before departure, would have cost hundreds of dollars (frequent flyer ticket). Will be back in 1 week or less, but she could pass away before then.
I've been present at the deaths of my Mother, Father, and Uncle. I will say that while it's certainly an honor and a privilege to be with someone when they pass - what you do for them in life is more important than what you do for them in death.
Even people that hold a bedside 'vigil' so to speak still may not be present when their loved one dies; they could die as they step out to use the restroom, anything. There are professionals that think some people actually wait to die until their family leaves ~ perhaps they are protecting their family member or perhaps it's just easier for them to 'let go' when their family is not around.
My father was admitted to the hospital on Thursday and died on Sunday morning. He was told that he had only days to live. It was awful but also a blessing that we knew AND that we had time to say what we wanted to say. Many, many "I love you's; words of gratitude for ALL that he had done for me and my son; words asking for forgiveness for maybe things I didn't do or he didn't do . . . and words to tell him how much his life MATTERED.
For my Mom - weeks before she died, I got the most reaction out of her when I told her how much of a difference she had made in my son's life. She got the biggest smile on her face and said, "Oh Ringo, really?" And I assured her that she certainly had made his life a better one. It meant so much to her to know that she had made a difference in someone's life.
Being present at the time of death is not for everyone but there is no way you can be part of something so profound and not be changed by it. A time of great love and great sadness; of great strength and great fear. My life has been enriched by those experiences though I know it seems weird to say it.
I understand your dilemma; I was terrified that my father would live through the week-end and I had to return to work on Monday. Then, he would have had to go into a nursing home, etc.
OP, you can only do what you can do. You must also live and that usually requires a job. Do the best you can and care not what anyone else thinks.
I'm going with my original statement - what you do in life matters more than what you do in death.
My Dad's favorite niece hopped in the car and drove 3 hours to see him the day he went into the hospital - while he was still lucid. She made it clear that she could see him now OR attend the funeral due to her job demands. I am SO GLAD that she came to see him while he was alive. His face lit up and it meant so much to him.
Best to you OP, any decisions you make now are made out of love - do the best you can and do not worry about it.
we have two births, one in the beginning,,and one on our exit,,
both can be very traumatic.... but their is a calm after the storm,,she will go to a place where she is alive again,
with no pain, hurt, fear, and death,
take her hand in spirit and offer a prayer to her,,that her birth into heaven is a loving one,,met with her loved ones that already passed over...
do not drown in sadness or marinate in misery....the bad/negative/sad vibes will reverberate back to her..
on the way to see her,,remember some good times that make you smile,,see her that way when you look upon her..
if she is aware,,tell her you love her,,and hold her hand,,,
if you cry,, or lose it .... excuse yourself,,,,
you need to be a beacon of light,,,,she will see you and see herself of what she once was....give that to her..
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