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We are all still in shock. He did this about a month ago, he was young, in his early 30s. Suffering with depression most of my adult life, I have found myself "at the edge" of that big cliff and always found a reason to take the two steps back, away from that final choice, rather then the final step forward ending my life.
I could never understand how a person can find the courage, or feel so hopeless to be able to follow through with such a choice. I have been in some very dark places and so far have always found a reason to continue living.
All of those I have known as my parents, my two biological parents and my step parents, have all gone.
We all deal with our losses in our own ways. I still cry over the loss of my mother, over 10 years ago. I finally came to my conclusion that when I loose somebody, my life will never be the same as it was.
Part of me is now gone forever. It is sort of like having my arm amputated. In time, I do learn to live my life without that person, without my arm. But it does take time to heal, to accept and to become comfortable with the new me.
Eventually, I find laughter again and life begins to be my new normal.
My heart goes out to all those who have lost a loved one and to those still grieving. Life will never be the same. But you will find laughter again in time.
I am so sorry to hear that your brother died. Depression is a dark beast and steals all hope. I came to realize that anyone who hasn't dealt with depression would have a hard time understanding how inertia sets in -- the inability to reach out for help - even if we know there is someone or something that can help us - because it all feels so hopeless, so impossible to escape. I couldn't talk about my depression when I was in its grip. It was only after the darkness lifted that I was able to even relay to anyone what I had been suffering with for several years.
Cherish the good times. I know that sounds like a cliche. I believe that is what your brother would want, though - for you to remember the good times with him. He doubtless struggled to find peace -- and this final act was his way of finding it.
When we lose a sibling, we lose one of the people in our lives who can validate our own history. It hits hard. Don't forget to take care of yourself as you mourn your brother's death. (((hugs)))
So sorry for your brother's death. One of my friends took his life last year. Suicide is a very complicated grief. You sound a lot like me. I had issues with depression at one point too but sought out help eventually. Turns out I have a chemical imbalance in my brain - I don't produce much serotonin, which is a chemical your body produces and the brain uses it for feelings of relaxation. I also lost my parents and brother quite young (I'm 32 now; mom died when I was 21, Dad at 28, my brother at 29). I do have my days where it's hard to get through but I do find things to keep me happy and keep going too.
Oh, how utterly awful and sad...
I'm so sorry for your loss, and to hear that your brother couldn't get out of his "dark place".
It sounds like you've chosen happiness in light of this tragedy, and to celebrate the positive memories of him...wow! That's an incredibly brave and wise road to take...I'm sure your post will help to heal others going through similar tragedy!
Blessings and healing to you...
Dandiday
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incredibly brave stance to take!
