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It seems like whenever I lose a loved one, I lose friends too. I don't make friends easily anyway but when my grandfather was dying and I had told a friend, I never heard from her again. Now with another death I've lost another friend, someone I thought I was close to (although I'm not sure that's why). It's not like I expect to talk about it with them. Has this happened to you? What's the deal?
With the death of a grandparent I would think it was just a coincidence. Not knowing the relationship with the other person that died, who knows?
It is mostly when spouses die that people leave. They were friends of the spouse, don't want people asking them for favors, uncomfortable being around the grieving, and many other reasons, none of them good reasons.
It seems like whenever I lose a loved one, I lose friends too. I don't make friends easily anyway but when my grandfather was dying and I had told a friend, I never heard from her again. Now with another death I've lost another friend, someone I thought I was close to (although I'm not sure that's why). It's not like I expect to talk about it with them. Has this happened to you? What's the deal?
I agree that folks find it awkward and often pull away when someone loses his/her spouse. I have witnessed that many times over my lifetime.
But when it is another relative in the family . . . unless you are focusing only on the loss, constantly bringing it up, wanting to discuss that and nothing else with your friends . . . I don't see how this would cause a friendship to end.
Did you follow up with your friend after you told her your grandfather was dying? Ask her out to an event or to have lunch? Maybe she was waiting for you to make the first move to show you wanted to get out and about again.
It has happened with every death. I still can't figure it out. OK, you sent a Christmas card for twenty years then stop when someone dies? What's up with that?
It has happened with every death. I still can't figure it out. OK, you sent a Christmas card for twenty years then stop when someone dies? What's up with that?
Maybe it is just coincidence? I stopped sending cards one year and haven't sent them in the 20 years since. I never thought folks would get insulted or take offense. It just was too much stress during a very busy time of year and seemed very superficial -- so I stopped.
I think too often it is easy to make someone else's actions about ourselves when it has nothing at all to do with us.
Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. The cards were just an example. When you meet people through a spouse, SO, relative, friend, and the person dies, you're not part of their picture anymore. It just what happens.
Maybe it is just coincidence? I stopped sending cards one year and haven't sent them in the 20 years since. I never thought folks would get insulted or take offense. It just was too much stress during a very busy time of year and seemed very superficial -- so I stopped.
I think too often it is easy to make someone else's actions about ourselves when it has nothing at all to do with us.
My out-of-the-area friends don't call me as often anymore. They figure I'm doing better now...And, I don't call them as often either...I still care and I know they care about me too. But, we are on slightly different paths today...I'm not the same exact person I used to be when my family was alive...Actually, it's nice to have a little quiet now. I need time to figure out who I am today. (And what I want for myself, etc.)
I totally understand. I lost my mom 20 months ago and I lost several friends for various reasons. For me, it seemed like the ones that should've known how to help me or at least not be scared off by my grief were the ones that disappeared! Family too.
One very good friend of mine is a nurse and a transformational life coach. She's also a very spiritual and understanding person and she knew my mom. I remember thinking I was really going to need her friendship and insightfulness to get through this tough time. Then she just stopped responding to me. Two days after the funeral, she sent me a text message that said, "Sorry I forgot what day the funeral was and I missed it. What can I do to show you my support?" I thought, why should I have to tell you what to do? I was pretty offended and have not really kept in contact with her much since then.
I think this happens for a couple of reasons.
#1. When you are grieving or go through a tragedy, you realize what things are important and what things are not. You have to think about yourself during that time and you're not reaching out to others as much. If you were the friend that always made the plans or did the calling, etc., you may not hear from those people much anymore.
#2. People just don't know what to say to those grieving, and they're scared of upsetting you. I have a friend who lost her mom not long after I lost mine, and even though I should've known exactly what to say, I didn't. I even upset her one time because I thought it would be helpful to tell her how I handled something and she made the point that everyone is different.
That being said, we lose friends and we gain friends throughout our life. I've lost friends for reason way sillier than this. I'm sad about the ones I've lost recently, but sometimes I think it helped me turn to the people in my grief group and to my husband and those people have been a better support group for me during this time anyway.
Sorry your friend snapped at you. That was probably her grief talking. "I'm sorry", period, seems to be the best thing to say to a grieving person.
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