Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My sister's husband died unexpectedly a few days ago after a two week hospital stay.
The funeral and party celebrating his life are over. Her life long friend who came to help her will be returning home tomorrow.
I live nearby. She has great friends who I believe will be around to help her, but has told them to give her a week to have time to herself.
What next? What can/should I do to help her?
What things did people do for you that helped, didn't help?
Are there things you wished people would have done?
Just let her know when she needs to talk, cry, scream, get a hug or be taken to the river to throw rocks until she can't throw them any longer you will be available for her.
After that, wait.
Truly sorry about your brother in law. I think she is under a big shock, see how she is doing time to time. Also possible she want some time to mourn on her own. Every one different in way of grieving. Some times they don't like to be disturbed let her to be alone for while. But ask her how she is feeling instead of doing.
Have you directly asked your sister what you can do to help? Did you talk regularly on the phone before her husband's death and so feel free to call her up and just chat?
She probably needs space right now and no one "hovering" - thus her "week off" by herself, but I would suspect just knowing you are thinking about her and have offered to help with any aspect of her life (from housekeeping tasks to running errands or meal prep or help with the laundry) would be meaningful.
Some folks will say they don't know how anyone else can help . . . they are just getting through the hours and trying to come to terms with the loss. If they are the types of people who would appreciate an unexpected meal being delivered, then even if they say "no, nothing anyone can do" . . . and "I am just not up to company right now" -- they would still really appreciate such gestures.
I often send a fruit basket a week or two after the funeral, as I have found that even when I don't feel like eating, a piece of fruit is sometimes very satisfying. Stay in touch, even if you don't feel your sister wants company (or you feel like an unannounced drop by visit won't be welcomed).
I am very sorry about your brother in law. I'm glad you live close by to your sister - that is wonderful. There are so many things we do not know here. Is your sister employed full-time and just off work for a few days? Or is she older and already retired? She may want some company to go with her to various banks, broker's offices, and all those places she needs to visit. It is nice to have a companion with you, and then you can stop and have lunch somewhere and visit. Does she have a car? Has the winter antifreeze been added and tires checked for air lately? is it time for an oil change? Those "little things" can't be ignored. Is she in a house and responsible for all the snow shoveling now? Maybe someone from your family needs to go over there and take care of the snow shoveling every morning?? Or grass mowing in the south?
Does she know exactly how things will be working on Thanksgiving Day? She will likely want to be asked to contribute something special for the family dinner, so be sure to request she bring a cranberry dish or green bean casserole or whatever...People need life to continue and they want to be included and needed. Does she need to get some Christmas shopping done and in the mail? You can probably help her with that. Maybe you can take an afternoon and you can both work on cards and thank you notes.
Does she usually decorate for Christmas? If so, this may be a new experience if she is now alone. Does she have any children? Do they live with her or are they adults living in another part of the country? This year will no doubt be a totally different routine. That's ok -- it sometimes happens! It is possible she may want to forge ahead right away with a new change -- such as buying a new pre-lit "slim tree", or....just to be silly, doing something really shocking like buying one of those new upside down trees [just for fun and change!!]. Talk with her, and, importantly, be there with her when she decides to take out some of her holiday decorations, so she has someone to talk to.
Your sister is lucky she has friends nearby and I'm sure they will be popping in to see her. And in order to have these friends, she must have been a friend to them in their time of need too, because that is how you get friends - by being a friend. Speaking of friends,,,,does she have a four-legged friend? If not, perhaps a visit over to the Humane Society might be in order, one of these days.
She is going through a huge shock, and this will take time. Carrying on the usual routine usually works well, but it is hard, and friends and family do have to step up to the plate. Please keep us posted as to how she is getting along!
Does she work? Does she drive? Does she do her own shopping? Can she take care of herself? Does she need a few things from the store? Would she appreciate a crock pot full of potato soup or stew? Does she need any help with banking or dealing with insurance issues?
Just let her know when she needs to talk, cry, scream, get a hug or be taken to the river to throw rocks until she can't throw them any longer you will be available for her.
After that, wait.
Yes she knows I am a phone call away.
She is exhausted of course on top of everything else and I later found out that the five days space thing was basically her friend telling her what she thought she needed. She agreed, but may have just meant that for her friends rather than family.
I saw her briefly yesterday when we took her friend to the airport. My parents are still around as well and she is apparently checking in with them so they don't worry. She was running a few errands today so she is functioning.
Have you directly asked your sister what you can do to help? Did you talk regularly on the phone before her husband's death and so feel free to call her up and just chat?
She probably needs space right now and no one "hovering" - thus her "week off" by herself, but I would suspect just knowing you are thinking about her and have offered to help with any aspect of her life (from housekeeping tasks to running errands or meal prep or help with the laundry) would be meaningful.
Some folks will say they don't know how anyone else can help . . . they are just getting through the hours and trying to come to terms with the loss. If they are the types of people who would appreciate an unexpected meal being delivered, then even if they say "no, nothing anyone can do" . . . and "I am just not up to company right now" -- they would still really appreciate such gestures.
I often send a fruit basket a week or two after the funeral, as I have found that even when I don't feel like eating, a piece of fruit is sometimes very satisfying. Stay in touch, even if you don't feel your sister wants company (or you feel like an unannounced drop by visit won't be welcomed).
She's not one to chat on the phone daily, and it seems hard for her to ask for help.
But, we have cleaned her house and made sure she is stocked on food. She also has a ton of stuff people brought in the freezer. The fruit basket is a good idea. And, I will make some of her favorites and take by next week. She's probably ok with a drop off of food even if she doesn't want company.
I have sent her a few email re things that must be done sooner rather than later and offered to help her. And, given her a few financial cautions of things not to do.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
