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When I first watched the video I thought the same thing...great, if you belong to a church but what about others? Communities should have something like that. There was absolutely nothing around my area when I needed help. My bff of 50 years would let me cry on her shoulders but then she was diagnosed with cancer and I stopped crying for myself and tried to help her. I knew what was coming, having just gone through it with my husband so I tried real hard not to scare her. Then she died. Now I was left alone to grieve both husband and the friend I had known for 50 years. It was so hard. Communities really should have something for people who have lost a spouse.
I'd love to see people step up and set up something for their community, to help widows and widowers, if they don't feel comfortable in church. Since SITGM is based on scriptures telling us to take care of widows they probably wouldn't want to use this manual but I appreciate anyone who will reach out to widows and widowers, beyond just counseling.
I googled Valentines Day for Widows and saw some sad stories such as being overcome with gut-wrenching sadness with all the things for Valentines Day in what seems like every store....and her sweetheart was gone.
Regarding the widower....That is something I have wondered. I wondered if, in the Bible, when it was translated if somehow the Hebrew word for "widow" was the same for both men and women. (Please understand, I am not anywhere near a Bible scholar and don't try to pass myself off as one....just someone looking for an answer and thought maybe someone here could help me to understand.) I googled and found an English to Hebrew translator: widow noun אַלְמָנָה (pronounced al'manah); as a verb widow is אִלְמֵן (pronounced il'men) widower noun אַלְמָן (pronounced al'man); No verb
I found this interesting:
1 Corinthians 7:8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. - King James Bible "Authorized Version", Cambridge EditionThat was Paul, a man, talking and he uses widows, not widowers, when he says "...even as I." If only a woman can be a widow that doesn't make sense to me. I'm not looking for a debate or trying to be a jerk. I am trying to understand., so please bear with me. (I hope I made it clear what I was trying to explain.....)
I googled looking for the word widower anywhere in the Bible. I did not find it. That is why I feel like when we see widow in English it can mean a man or woman. Maybe I am wrong but I know several widowers whose hearts are broken. I truly believe we are to reach out to both men and women. They need compassion and to be cared for...and that is my hearts desire.
I'm trying to think...what DID I really need? Honestly, there wasn't much of anything you could have done for me. I'm not an overly religious person. I would not have welcomed sermons. I know all the words. What I probably needed was more good friends!
It takes a while to start thinking of yourself as one person instead of a couple. One of the dumbest things I did was make a Vet appointment for my dogs. Didn't think a thing of it till it was time to go and I realized one person can not handle 250lbs of dog at the Vet's office...duh. And it's really easy to come home with 100lb bags of cement. But it's not that easy to get them out of the car alone.
I'm trying to think...what DID I really need? ....................... What I probably needed was more good friends!
You know, that is what I am hearing from all the widows I have talked to. After the flowers, cards and casseroles stop in a couple of months it seems that so many ladies feel forgotten. A few posts I have read say that 75% of the friends they had as a couple seem to fade away. I am going to try harder to make sure I am one of the 25% that stays in touch.
What did I need? Later, about 6 months later, I asked an old friend who had offered to help me move to do so now..."Sorry, can't fit you into my schedule" was his response. WTF?? Thanks, buddy. Everyone was too busy when I asked for the help they had offered. Know what? They can all pound sand now. I don't keep in touch with any of them.
I moved myself. Had to leave the big stuff like refrigerator, couch, bed but I took all that would fit into my car. Even bought a different car that had more room. Took endless trips between houses and buying new "stuff" but I got it done, basically.
What did I need? Later, about 6 months later, I asked an old friend who had offered to help me move to do so now..."Sorry, can't fit you into my schedule" was his response. WTF?? Thanks, buddy. Everyone was too busy when I asked for the help they had offered. Know what? They can all pound sand now. I don't keep in touch with any of them.
I moved myself. Had to leave the big stuff like refrigerator, couch, bed but I took all that would fit into my car. Even bought a different car that had more room. Took endless trips between houses and buying new "stuff" but I got it done, basically.
I am so sorry.
From what I understand, that is one of the things Stand in the Gap for Widows encourages churches to learn which church members will step up to help when there is a need.
I was pretty surprised that my church forgot about me immediately..
but I had many wonderful friends that helped me and I will love them forever for it..
The first year I found it to hard to attend church alone and only one lady called & checked on me ...
Everyone offered to "do anything I needed" but they were too busy when the shock wore off after a
month and I actually thought of things I needed help with..
What I needed..
People to go out to eat with
People to go to the movies with
People to listen to me process the illness & death
Day trips with friends were a life saver
Someone to attend church with helped
What really hurt
Friends that dropped me (I assume they must have been closer to my husband) ..
People that I thought were close friends that didn't call for the entire year..
People that told me how great I was doing when I was dying inside..
I was pretty surprised that my church forgot about me immediately..
but I had many wonderful friends that helped me and I will love them forever for it..
The first year I found it to hard to attend church alone and only one lady called & checked on me ...
Everyone offered to "do anything I needed" but they were too busy when the shock wore off after a
month and I actually thought of things I needed help with..
What I needed.. People to go out to eat with
People to go to the movies with
People to listen to me process the illness & death
Day trips with friends were a life saver
Someone to attend church with helped
What really hurt
Friends that dropped me (I assume they must have been closer to my husband) ..
People that I thought were close friends that didn't call for the entire year..
People that told me how great I was doing when I was dying inside..
^This^ is SO true!
A close friend who is still going through this in 'dribbles' says that the most difficult part for her is re-discovering how she "fits-in" with her long-time friends since most are still couples. She really does need someone to go out to eat with, to the movies with, to go shopping with, to have a 'girls-day-out' with. Even though we've been friends for 45+ years, and talk almost everyday, we live 2 1/2 hours apart and since I'm providing my own caregiving here, it is impossible to fill this need for her.
So after all this input, I guess there is NO answer for widows. And that's really too bad.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237
I was pretty surprised that my church forgot about me immediately..
but I had many wonderful friends that helped me and I will love them forever for it..
The first year I found it to hard to attend church alone and only one lady called & checked on me ...
Everyone offered to "do anything I needed" but they were too busy when the shock wore off after a
month and I actually thought of things I needed help with..
What I needed..
People to go out to eat with
People to go to the movies with
People to listen to me process the illness & death
Day trips with friends were a life saver
Someone to attend church with helped
What really hurt
Friends that dropped me (I assume they must have been closer to my husband) ..
People that I thought were close friends that didn't call for the entire year..
People that told me how great I was doing when I was dying inside..
Ditto, also. I don't go to church and haven't in over 40 years, so a church group wouldn't have done me any good.
I was pretty handy to begin with, so lots of little things, like repairs, I could do myself. Being an only child, I was the son my dad always wanted so I hung out in his workshop and learned tons of skills with tools, and later, my husband was always working in his workshop, so I learned more. Also, I was the daughter my mom always wanted, so I cook, sew my own clothes (and gifts), can fruits and veggies, and am really organized.
I had to move 3 months after my husband died, and I moved to a new state where I knew no one (sold our home of 40 years and moved to a recently purchased "snowbird" condo). Fortunately, my youngest child, who was 20 at the time, was still living at home, so he was a HUGE help the first two years. But, as all kids do, he moved out and lives in his own place about 20 minutes away.
I have trouble carrying heavy things up a long flight of stairs to my condo. We didn't think about that when we bought a 2nd floor unit.....
For Christmas this year, my son was busy when I finished wrapping out-of-town relative's gifts, and after I boxed them up to ship, I realized there was no way I could carry them down to my car, over to the P.O., get them out of my car and stand in line for 2 hours. They were too big and heavy. They're for my daughter and her family, and I'm flying to their house for Christmas this year, so I've decided I am going to put the boxes on the airplane as checked bags (there are two fairly big ones ~~ the sizes of a large suitcase). It's actually cheaper to check them in as baggage than to send them USPS or UPS.
It's also hard carrying dog food, cat food, 20 lb bags of bird seed, grocery bags with lots of canned goods or laundry soap, and other heavy items, so I've had to switch to more expensive, but more portable things like laundry soap pillows (or whatever they're called), more frozen or prepared foods rather than canned, and waiting for my son to carry up the dog/cat/bird food, or other heavy things. I really feel helpless at times, and I hate it.
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