Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I cared for my mother for years....and then she was gone....
the pain of loss, the tears....horrible....
I had 3 very close friends who lost their battle to cancer....
the pain, the loss, the tears, the feelings of being alone....
well, its true, you do feel alone, but the loss isn't making me feel that way, it was time for some reason for them to move on...life is way to short to waist, and I know, every one of them would say, "honor my life by living it".
So, what I found was, to go out and start a new...as my loved ones that were lost did....
Life is, an ever evolving door, that never stops spinning, and renders change and loss, but also, gives memories and much happiness if we are willing to see it.
It's ok to laugh again to live again and to be again....
As care givers we loose a part of us that for many years we gave to someone else, and our lives now feel void of purpose. Well, it isn't, it just changed, and its best to make every moment here count....and not wallow in sadness, but rejoice in the fact that you were so blessed to have those people in your life, touch your life so...
so if you laugh, and live again, don't feel like you are being disloyal to your wife, your husband, your child, your friends....your mother, father...they would all want you more then anything else, to move on....and whisper, remember me in love and by living your life.
Yes, I get it. I'm mourning the death of my mother who I took care of for many years. But I don't think mourning and grief are bad or are about "wallowing in sadness". It's human and normal to grieve. Bereavement experts state that a person should take as long as they need to mourn and to do it in the manner that they need to do it, without judgement from anyone. Mourning a death of a parent is not the same type of sadness as a person who broke up with a boyfriend or is feeling lonely because they have no friends or because it's winter and they don't have money to go to Florida for a getaway. It's not the same kind of sadness.
I am mourning more than my mother's death. I'm mourning the loss of a purpose, the loss of a family (having no one else left), the loss of a confidante (I could talk to my mother about certain topics that no one else wants to talk about), the loss of a companion (we did a lot of fun things together in her later years), the loss of a spiritual guide (my mother was a major influence with spirituality), and certain other losses. I am single and have no children; my mother was somewhat like my child later in life, and the mourning of her death is a lot more intense to me than to my sister who didn't take care of her like I did. I washed her and cooked for her and
Just because I feel grief about her death doesn't mean I don't enjoy life, don't feel joy, don't laugh, or am not living my life. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am living my life very much. I am doing new activities, seeing friends, and am contemplating a job change. I spend many peaceful moments simply sitting in a room in the house listening to music that my mother loved. I feel a great sense of peace...yet cry a lot, too. But I don't feel I am wallowing in sadness.
I don't feel I'm "wasting" my life by mourning her. A mother is someone who cannot be replaced. It's not the same as mourning a spouse. I think people would get upset about me saying that but one can always find a new spouse, one cannot replace a mother.
It's great if you have a feeling to laugh, live again, and be again. Good for you.
Yes, I get it. I'm mourning the death of my mother who I took care of for many years. But I don't think mourning and grief are bad or are about "wallowing in sadness". It's human and normal to grieve. Bereavement experts state that a person should take as long as they need to mourn and to do it in the manner that they need to do it, without judgement from anyone. Mourning a death of a parent is not the same type of sadness as a person who broke up with a boyfriend or is feeling lonely because they have no friends or because it's winter and they don't have money to go to Florida for a getaway. It's not the same kind of sadness.
I am mourning more than my mother's death. I'm mourning the loss of a purpose, the loss of a family (having no one else left), the loss of a confidante (I could talk to my mother about certain topics that no one else wants to talk about), the loss of a companion (we did a lot of fun things together in her later years), the loss of a spiritual guide (my mother was a major influence with spirituality), and certain other losses. I am single and have no children; my mother was somewhat like my child later in life, and the mourning of her death is a lot more intense to me than to my sister who didn't take care of her like I did. I washed her and cooked for her and
Just because I feel grief about her death doesn't mean I don't enjoy life, don't feel joy, don't laugh, or am not living my life. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am living my life very much. I am doing new activities, seeing friends, and am contemplating a job change. I spend many peaceful moments simply sitting in a room in the house listening to music that my mother loved. I feel a great sense of peace...yet cry a lot, too. But I don't feel I am wallowing in sadness.
I don't feel I'm "wasting" my life by mourning her. A mother is someone who cannot be replaced. It's not the same as mourning a spouse. I think people would get upset about me saying that but one can always find a new spouse, one cannot replace a mother.
It's great if you have a feeling to laugh, live again, and be again. Good for you.
I didn't post what I did, to single anyone out, or to say anyone is wrong for grieving, or to judge.
It was a post, to give some people hope, and realize, that now it it time to go out and find another purpose....
believe me, I do know of what you speak of...and I still at times cry for my mother, who wouldn't...however, more times then not, I've grown, b/c of her....b/c of our talks and her influence....and I know, (and this just works for me) deep down inside, she would want me more then anything else, to remember all those wonderful good times we had....and now, its my time...and life is to short, so I'm going to go out and live it to the best of my ability....as a better person, hopefully, b/c of her.
I'm not saying anyone is wrong for their feelings....
What I had hoped to do, was encourage, guess it backfired, sorry, but I'm taking what I learned from her and to go out there and grasp as much life as I can, and rejoice for being so blessed to have those special people in my life.
You do what is best for you....what I'm saying is, I hope in some small way, I can help just one person to view the good more then the bad....
I ask you, why would my post bother you so much that you would feel like you have to defend your feelings to me? I'm not wrong in feeling this way, but neither are you? We are all different....we all mourn differently and different amounts of time....for me, it's been 7 years she is gone....so, I've had time to heal....some it takes less time, some it might take more...there is no set amount of tears you can shed....
We all lost the very same things in our mothers, friends husbands, children....wives....and yes, it's ok to mourn...but I won't let sadness define me....I guess is what I'm saying....and I know, my loved ones, wouldn't want it to.
I "got" what your op was saying immediately, creme. I thought it was lovely and very good advice. None of our loved ones would want to see our lives come to a screeching halt because of their deaths and everyone has their own time. I don't "mourn" my husband anymore but I CHOOSE to consider myself still married to him and don't want to date anymore. I am "happy" to be his widow although he's probably saying "why?". He wanted me to find another. I don't want to.
I miss my parents every day too but I know darned right well they always wanted the best for me and would still do so. They both blessed me by dying without needing my care.
I also wonder why that poster took your post so personally? I don't recall that name in this forum.
I "got" what your op was saying immediately, creme. I thought it was lovely and very good advice. None of our loved ones would want to see our lives come to a screeching halt because of their deaths and everyone has their own time. I don't "mourn" my husband anymore but I CHOOSE to consider myself still married to him and don't want to date anymore. I am "happy" to be his widow although he's probably saying "why?". He wanted me to find another. I don't want to.
I miss my parents every day too but I know darned right well they always wanted the best for me and would still do so. They both blessed me by dying without needing my care.
I also wonder why that poster took your post so personally? I don't recall that name in this forum.
Anywho, good post and nice to see you again.
how better could one honor loved ones and friends then to live on....I'm a better person b/c of them....all of them and everyone who has crossed my path in life, and have been blessed.
loved your post....made me tear up.....happy tears....thank you....
I thank you all for your posts, they are all meaningful to me. I guess OP I needed to hear what you said. I am one of those people that spent this last weekend locked into my house and wallowed in my grief for the loss of my cat that died a few weeks ago. It finally hit me and I cried for two days.
Yes, I am one of those people that hide away and I push people away and I am having a difficult time to fit into mainstream.
Thank you for the reminder that we must live our lives to the fullest and our loved ones would want us to. Life is too short. I really needed to read your words. Thank you.
I thank you all for your posts, they are all meaningful to me. I guess OP I needed to hear what you said. I am one of those people that spent this last weekend locked into my house and wallowed in my grief for the loss of my cat that died a few weeks ago. It finally hit me and I cried for two days.
Yes, I am one of those people that hide away and I push people away and I am having a difficult time to fit into mainstream.
Thank you for the reminder that we must live our lives to the fullest and our loved ones would want us to. Life is too short. I really needed to read your words. Thank you.
Heck, I am one of those people as well, and I've cried for many pets....it really hurts....and it's not at all fair to lose them so quickly
and believe it or not, I to, hide away from people during grief, and my friends say, "oh, you have to have friends near you at those times" "no I don't," I reply, explaining, "I'm not fit to be around and I want to grieve the way it best fits me, as I am not you!"
One thing I've learned, very trendy people it seems find it extremely difficult to understand other people if those people do things differently from them. That really confuses me....I'll explain
One example
I get up very early in the morning and go to bed very early in the evening...I've done that sine I was 13 years old....love the early morning before dawn, it's so quiet, not many people are up and making noise, and I love the quiet. But when people find out my schedule, they say with a face, "you get up at what time". then their next question is, "you go to bed at what time?" Looking at me like I've just got off some boat after spending the past 50 years on an island.
Why is it people cannot allow you, your life, your schedules or whatever?
Strange.....
Yes, my friend, life is way to short.....and I'm convinced it is a gift that I don't want to waste.
I didn't post what I did, to single anyone out, or to say anyone is wrong for grieving, or to judge.
It was a post, to give some people hope, and realize, that now it it time to go out and find another purpose....
believe me, I do know of what you speak of...and I still at times cry for my mother, who wouldn't...however, more times then not, I've grown, b/c of her....b/c of our talks and her influence....and I know, (and this just works for me) deep down inside, she would want me more then anything else, to remember all those wonderful good times we had....and now, its my time...and life is to short, so I'm going to go out and live it to the best of my ability....as a better person, hopefully, b/c of her.
I'm not saying anyone is wrong for their feelings....
What I had hoped to do, was encourage, guess it backfired, sorry, but I'm taking what I learned from her and to go out there and grasp as much life as I can, and rejoice for being so blessed to have those special people in my life.
You do what is best for you....what I'm saying is, I hope in some small way, I can help just one person to view the good more then the bad....
I ask you, why would my post bother you so much that you would feel like you have to defend your feelings to me? I'm not wrong in feeling this way, but neither are you? We are all different....we all mourn differently and different amounts of time....for me, it's been 7 years she is gone....so, I've had time to heal....some it takes less time, some it might take more...there is no set amount of tears you can shed....
We all lost the very same things in our mothers, friends husbands, children....wives....and yes, it's ok to mourn...but I won't let sadness define me....I guess is what I'm saying....and I know, my loved ones, wouldn't want it to.
IMO your thoughts, expressed so well in your posts, are spot on. I don't see that moving on, living your life and being happy again are mutually exclusive from missing and grieving for the lost of a loved one, be it a parent, spouse or child, or even a close friend. I don't think that hole in your heart from their deaths ever goes away. It's just that you put that loss in perspective in the panorama of your life. You know, rationally, that going on and being happy again, even as you carry the burden of that loss, is what your loved ones would have wished for you. I guess it's what we strive for after loss, but it takes time, and resolve to get there, and that time, as you said in your post, is different for different folks and we all grieve differently.
I wish you, all of you that have lost loved ones and must go on, peace and solace as you find your equilibrium and perspective in this life.
IMO your thoughts, expressed so well in your posts, are spot on. I don't see that moving on, living your life and being happy again are mutually exclusive from missing and grieving for the lost of a loved one, be it a parent, spouse or child, or even a close friend. I don't think that hole in your heart from their deaths ever goes away. It's just that you put that loss in perspective in the panorama of your life. You know, rationally, that going on and being happy again, even as you carry the burden of that loss, is what your loved ones would have wished for you. I guess it's what we strive for after loss, but it takes time, and resolve to get there, and that time, as you said in your post, is different for different folks and we all grieve differently.
I wish you, all of you that have lost loved ones and must go on, peace and solace as you find your equilibrium and perspective in this life.
your absolutely right, but for me, there was one difference, I felt I had to morn for a long time and if I didn't I felt I was being disloyal to my mother....your right, that hole is never ever filled...it is a pain deep in your heart of hearts that never goes away, but...you can live, laugh and be happy again...one baby step at a time...each and every single day....
I can relate to what you have to say. I was the caretaker for my mom too, and it hurt when she passed. She said it herself that she wanted me to be happy and not sad when she was gone. And, it is true that everyone grieves differently. Maybe I was lucky that I got it all out when I first learned the news. It takes some people longer to react. Life is too short, and for me, I do not like feeling sad.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
