Not going to a funeral of a person you were very close to??
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I don't think you should worry for one second what anyone thinks about you being at the funeral or not.
As you said, you had a very special relationship and NO ONE can take that away from you.
We all grieve differently and I think it's a little pathetic that your family isn't supporting whatever choice you make at this difficult time.
It was my father's mother. Ironically, he is one of the few people who said he wouldn't mind if I did not go to the funeral. He knows the close relationship I had with my grandmother/his mom. His siblings and their partners though are not going easy on me.... Lots of talk about how "I must not care"...
Well, as I am continually told on this forum, you shouldn't care what other people think.
I would guess it is more your conscience you are arguing with. Nobody can make you feel terrible, unless you allow it.
Enough with the cliche.
If you don't feel the need, don't go. It is not your job to please others, but only to please God. And the bible says nothing about having to go to a funeral. You can show your respect however you choose, and honoring them does not have to be in public view. It is between you and God and nobody else. That said, be prepared to be strong on the inside for others will judge, as they always do. But, God is your shield, use the bible scripture to lean on.
I didn't go to my nieces funeral last month. No regrets. Anyone who juges me is not who I want in my life anyway.
Don't go to be superficial. Be true to yourself.
Where in the post did the OP even mention being religious? That's a big assumption on your part.
Yes, just do what you whatever you want and God will forgive you....sigh. Just please yourself, sounds like a pass to be self absorbed.
You don't just get through life pleasing yourself, and God.
While I agree the OP has to make their own decision, to tell someone that it doesn't matter what others think, a situation like this can create long time hard feelings.
It sounds like this is more of a financial issue than anything else, I suggested earlier to the OP to communicate that to the ones who are insisting he go. Let them put their money where their mouth is and they can pay for the airfare.
Very simple, I was there a couple of months ago, I simply can't afford to pay for an airline ticket so soon. If you want me to come I need someone to pay for the airfare, let's see what they say to that.
My question. Is it REALLY wrong to miss the funeral of someone close to you? I don't think so, neither does my wife, but my family is putting the guilt and hurt on me badly. I'm very confused, and I'm wondering what other people think. Thanks.
No, it is not wrong to miss the funeral.
What counts is all those wonderful memories you will keep in your heart.
I've been to several funerals and I hate seeing people that I knee full of life made up. I'd want my funeral to be closed casket even if there's nothing wrong with my face. It looks disgusting. I hate going even when it is people close to me.
Re-read what you wrote and notice how many times you use the word "I", and used the word "I'm" bottom line your grandmothers dead it is not about you.
Well, this ^. I don't mean to make the OP feel worse about his decision, but in general, I do not like it when people use their own feelings of discomfort as an excuse for not going to a funeral. If the family has decided to have a funeral and viewing with an open casket, and they are able to stand there and receive mourners, then obviously this is what they (and probably the deceased) wanted in terms of a service. It is not about us or our feelings, it's about paying respects to the decedent and supporting the family in their time of grief. I remember a friend saying that old myth about being in such a fog you don't even remember who was there is not true -- she remembered every person who was there, and more importantly, who WASN'T. And yes, it is difficult to hear the sound of chatting and laughter at a loved one's viewing, but this will happen, especially in the case of an elderly person whose death was not sudden and/or unexpected. I had many mementos and pictures of my Mom on easels throughout the room, and I loved seeing people linger over them and discuss their memories of her.
The OP does have a reasonable explanation for not going, if the expense would be absolutely prohibitive. But if the reason really is that he doesn't like funerals, I have a hard time with that one. Even though his father seems to accept it, it will create more stress for him (explaining why his adult son isn't there) at a time when the OP's priority should be his father and the rest of the family's loss, not his own feelings. I mean, what if everyone felt that way and no one showed up for the grandmother's funeral...
Maybe remembering was easy for your friend, Avalon, but I was in a fog for both my parents' funerals. I don't remember much of either.
Hi Tami, yes, I realize many times the bereaved ARE in a fog. My point is that you can't always count on that, if you are not attending the funeral. ("She won't even notice I'm not there.") Besides my example above, I have another one. My great aunt lost her grandson (who was my second cousin) when he was in maybe his 40's. He was found dead in his mother's basement, and they never shared with us what happened. His mother was my Dad's cousin and my godmother. We know we had problems with alcohol, but that's all we knew.
Many of my aunts and first cousins showed up for the viewing the night before, but they all had excuses as to why they couldn't make the funeral the next day. I wasn't planning on going because I had to work and I figured my Mom could represent both of us. However, when I heard that no one else from our family was going, I took off so I could go with my Mom. At the funeral, my great-aunt did seem to be in a fog and I was hoping she didn't notice the lack of family attendance. But as we were all gathered back at the house after the luncheon, she mentioned it. She commented that my Mom and I were the only ones to show up. This aunt had been very beloved by the family and even though we may have lost touch with the cousin who died over the years, I felt it was important we show up to support my sweet aunt in her unbearable pain and sorrow.
It was my father's mother. Ironically, he is one of the few people who said he wouldn't mind if I did not go to the funeral. He knows the close relationship I had with my grandmother/his mom. His siblings and their partners though are not going easy on me.... Lots of talk about how "I must not care"...
If your dad is cool with it? Don't go.
The rest of them are just being insensitive.
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I really do not think I want to go, and further, I do not think I would regret not going. It is very tough because I live 900 miles away.
Your grandma knows how much you love her..... No reason for you to go if you dont want to... (900 Miles away is a long way!!)
Im so sorry Grimace!!!!!!!! -- Those we love passing hurts us the most!!
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