Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't like to think about her, because her passing was part of a very dark time in my life. It happened around five or six years ago, but I'm only now allowing myself to dwell on it. I didn't realize it at the time, but she did so much for me. She kept my feet on the ground. She was my gal pal who gave me fashion advice, although unwanted at the time. She encouraged me to take up girly hobbies and enjoy my fabulous female life, took care of me to the point of hurting herself, sacrificed so that I could get a nice dress, a class ring, and go to prom if I wanted to. She introduced me to so many new people and to my life as I know it. She was my dear mother.
Sure, she wasn't perfect, but life with her was an adventure. She stood up for what she believed in and had no trouble making friends. I'm her opposite in so many ways. She was bold and brash; I'm shy and timid. She was ladylike and feminine; I'm tomboyish. She knew how to make people like her; that's an equation I can't solve.
Why did I resent her growing up? Why couldn't I see her for the gift to me she was? I was afraid, I guess. I was afraid I would get something bad from her, humiliation or disapproval. She did have my life in her hands, it seemed, and she knew how to embarrass me better than almost anyone else. She was sort of a perfectionist who didn't exactly like my feeble attempts at copying. She often offered to redo the things that I did. My desire for independence kind of upset her, I think. That woman also had a lot on her hands; I wasn't her only concern. She was often busy helping her close friends and family. She bonded with my cousin; she shared moments with her that she didn't get to have with me.
I think she knew there was something wrong with me. She was reluctant to let me be independent. I felt like I had to hide a lot of things from her. She had no concept of how to help me with my social concerns. I asked her how to make friends, and she parroted the conventional wisdom, "be friendly." I asked her what that meant, and she dismissed it. My social skills didn't improve. I became alienated at school, but I just learned to deal with it. At least I had people who loved me waiting at home. Mom made suggestions on how to fix my appearance, and I ignored her when I could get away with it. I told myself that if my classmates weren't making fun of my appearance, they would find something else, so it really didn't matter. This was just my fate. Eventually, I grew to resent my mother because I started to have nightmares and extreme anxiety attacks, and she couldn't help me. I used to wake her up at night to pray the "demon" away, but the fear and worry never completely left. Finally, she got tired. Mom and Dad separated, and she found another man.
Hey, sister, you're just like me! My mother was "fabulous". She always had a lot of friends, dressed well, makeup and hair terrific. She didn't know what to do with me. I liked nice clothing, playing around with makeup and hair, but it was never good enough for her. Well, she loved me, but criticized me (my appearance) for most of her life.
Oh KMB, I am so sorry for your loss, and it sounds as if you lost your mother at a young age (both of your ages). I am glad you can talk about your feelings here. Sounds like the typical mother-daughter relationship, especially when the child is the polar opposite of the parent. For what it's worth, I feel tremendous guilt about how I parented my own son, for many of the reasons you cite. He felt I was always criticizing him. I felt my own father treated me that way...nothing was ever good enough. The cycle goes on and on. I'm sure your Mom would be happy that you've learned so many wonderful lessons from her, even if you didn't appreciate them at the time.
Like Avalon said, your love-hate relationship with your mother is pretty typical with polar opposites in parent/child relationships. I was a lot like you when I was younger, a sensitive tomboy, turned hippie chick. Mom, like yours, was always photograph ready. I drove my mother crazy with my alternative ways and the battle continued for 30 years, sucking in my siblings and father. I benefitted a great deal from therapy and can say that my relationship with my mother is the best it's ever been.
You did not get the benefit of righting your relationship before her death but you can get past the guilt and pain of the relationship that you did have. Best of luck to you.
I'm finding that mother really did know best. I'm a girly girl at heart, at least part-time, but I never knew it until she died. Then, with the person I relied upon so much out of the picture, I started to adopt a few of her habits. I hated shopping then. Now I sometimes want to spend a day at the mall or thrift store going through bins. I couldn't stand doing hair, nails, or makeup, but now, five years later, these things are a privilege to me and a near necessity for my work life. I hated talking to people then and allowed her to dominate most of the conversations in girly-girl world, but now I'm finding excuses to sit down, talk, and listen. The world has changed for me quite a bit. Maybe it was all just part of growing up, but she's not around to see it or take credit. I guess all of the nagging finally did pay off.
Thanks, Mom. It turns out we really did have a lot in common. Too bad you didn't live long enough to see it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
