Missing my father terribly

[Dysphoria]

Thank you, hhwtm. I am so sorry for the loss of both your parents in the same year. Even though my parents divorced fifty years ago, my father never remarried. About a year ago, my mother finally admitted that divorcing him was the biggest mistake she had ever made. I'm glad that she asked his forgiveness shortly before a stroke robbed her of speech. It's sad that my mother's death cast a pall on my dad's last two months.

I really regret that the first grief support group I attended was discontinued. It was a small group and I liked the other members. The second one I tried is a larger group which isn't as intimate but the sessions last longer which is good. I will try to attend next month's meeting. That is great that your grief support group continues to meet monthly. Best of luck to you, too.

[Dysphoria]

I have some good news. Today I got assigned a new therapist from Mental Health Access. She's a psychologist with a PhD. She sounded rather hard-boiled on the phone, like a crime detective, so I asked her if she's a compassionate person and if she has done grief therapy. She said yes, and slowed her voice down a little. I will try her out. She talks fast so maybe she can squeeze in some good advice in between my rambling. What I need is someone who sounds sweet and mellow, who will tell me that everything is going to be all right, like a parent. I never got much mothering from my mother. The only meal I remember her cooking for me was French toast when I was five years old -- notice how I remember it, because these small acts of nurturing mean a lot to a child, especially a sensitive one. Even as a baby I knew which side my bread was buttered on. I said "Da-Da" at six months and "Ma-Ma" at one year. I don't think transference is a bad thing in psychotherapy, but I haven't experienced it yet, because I did not feel like my previous three therapists really cared about me.

[Cida]

I've gone through something similar, and it's tough.

But the obvious point is that you need to make new friends, closer to home. Excuse me for saying this, but this is a good example of why children should move out. How about starting up with some new activities to propel you out among some new people?

[Dysphoria]

Yes children should move out if they find someone to live with who will love them, but I don't think living alone is natural, healthy or even wise with rents soaring astronomically. Man is a social animal -- it's only recently that so many people have started living alone. If they truly like living alone or with roommates, then more power to them, but it's not my preference. My next door neighbor is a divorced professional lady who has a housemate who is mean. My other neighbor is also unhappy with her housemate of twenty years but she doesn't want to live alone. A third neighbor sold her house and moved back to Taiwan because life here was too lonely. Many people I know envy the close relationship I had with my father. The only down side is that because I lived with kind people all of my life, it's hard for me to befriend people who are not kind.

I am trying to get out more. Yesterday I went to lunch with a new acquaintance who has more problems than I do. She was in a coma for two months seven years ago after contracting encephalitis. She used to own a restaurant. Now she gets seizures almost every day. She had a black eye from falling down during a seizure the other day. We don't have much in common -- she's younger and far more bohemian and hedonistic than I am, but I don't like eating at restaurants alone. I introduced her to Peruvian food and she's going to introduce me to Ethiopian food.

I went to the de Young museum today with my sister-in-law who is an artist. The best thing was going up to the observation tower. It's new, so I had never seen the view from up there before. I know that my father would have loved it. There's a 360 degree view of Golden Gate Park and the rest of San Francisco. As I looked down, I saw the familiar places I visited as a child, the Spreckels Temple of Music, the grove of trees on the concourse, USF where I went to school and Lone Mountain College where my mother attended, the spires of St. Ignatius Church....seeing these familiar landmarks made me think of my youth long ago with a sense of weary nostalgia. I also observed the sphinx sculptures and the Pool of Enchantment. I imagined my little grandmother sitting next to one sphinx as she did in an old photo I have.

What normally would have been an exciting view made me feel detached and sad, like I was already dead. Is this how spirits see the world? I bought a mug with a view of the Panama Pacific International Exposition of 1915 on it. Why couldn't I have found this mug when my father was alive? He would have liked it -- we were both big fans of the Exposition. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at the books and photos of the fair with the same pleasure now that he's gone. It's another interest we shared which most people I know don't give a hoot about. The Tower of Jewels was the attraction we would have most liked to have seen. On a whim I purchased a membership for the de Young Museum which cost $99. I rarely go there, but I thought it might compel me to go there more often. If I don't go again then it's a donation for the arts.

[Dysphoria]

Uh oh, I didn't hear back from the psychologist. She was supposed to call me back today to see if she can fit me in tomorrow, because I can't make it on Friday. Maybe I ticked her off, because I asked her if she was compassionate. Over the phone she didn't sound very warm -- she didn't even ask me what my problem was. I told her maybe the problem is me, but I've had bad experiences with my last three therapists. She asked if they didn't treat me right and I said they didn't have much compassion. Was it wrong for me to ask if she's compassionate or does that sound impertinent? Aren't psychologists supposed to have experience working with troubled people? I wasn't trying to be rude, I just don't want to waste time going to see someone who doesn't have a gentle, caring attitude.

[Dysphoria]

Scratch my last post, the psychologist just called and she sounded nicer this time. I think she was just rushed on the first call. What a relief!

[Avalon08]

I feel so bad for you. I had a similar relationship with my Mom, who died three years ago. As I was reading your posts, I am amazed that your father has only been gone four months, yet you've been to multiple therapists, support groups, lunches, museums, etc. Your life sounds like a whirlwind! Have you given yourself time to actually process your loss, and actually grieve? Everyone handles grief differently and I read a very helpful book called "Grieving with the Help of Your Catholic Faith". It wasn't the religious part that helped, it was the way the book explained the phases of grief, and that what I was feeling was very normal. It was four months after my Mom had died.....I had been through a whirlwind of activity with her funeral, all the thank-you notes, then settling her affairs....and after all that, I got to a point where I just wanted to be alone, in my own cocoon with no going out or talking to anyone, no Facebook, etc., just wanted to cry and grieve my loss and process how/why it happened. However, this was at the point where everyone else had moved on and I thought they'd be concerned if I suddenly withdrew from life and start trying to talk me out of feeling that way. So that's when the book came in and validated my feelings.

Eventually I came out of it and resumed life again, but a big part of my life is missing. My best friend. I'm an only child and we did so much together. She was always my road buddy if we wanted to take a ride to some scenic area, or just quietly sit at the marina, try a new restaurant even if it WAS expensive (of course, if I was paying!), or just hop in the car to run down to the island to see the sunset. I don't have anyone with that type of relationship anymore and, even though I have plenty of friends, it's lonely without Mom.

I live in her condo in Florida and she'd be very happy I'm here, taking care of her things. She saved EVERY.THING so I had 55 lbs. of paper to be shredded at Staples. But I feel her closeness to me all around and it's very special.

Maybe by the time you write back your new therapist will be a good match and you will be feeling positive. Just don't be too hard on yourself. You've barely had any time to adjust to life without Dad, so don't place high expectations on yourself and then drive yourself crazy.

[cam1957]

I'm so sorry for the death of your Dad. My heart goes out to you and it is going to take time and more so because you were so close. My parents have been gone for 26 and 19 years and I still miss them.

I agree with the poster that your grief is so fresh, you need to allow yourself time to grieve. My son died and I didn't go for counseling for 8 months after his death because I think I was actually in shock for the first 6 mos.

Be kind to yourself and don't rush the process. Your emotions are so raw right now. I hope your new therapist is able to help you, but you have to realize that because you were so close and he was in his 80's you have so many years of memories to cherish and you need to allow the grieving process to happen and run its' course. I do believe in therapists and I hope I'm not overstepping any boundaries by what I'm going to say. You can't rush your grief and the therapist can't take away the raw emotions that are natural this early on.

I don't have any pets, but if I lived alone, I probably would get a dog. They're mans best friend and you can talk to them anytime without seeming "crazy". lol They're used for therapy in all kinds of settings and proven to be extremely helpful in many situations.

I talk to my son all the time when I'm alone. If he starts answering me back, I know I'm in trouble!

Please be easy on yourself and allow the process to happen naturally. You can't get over losing someone you loved for so long in a short amount of time.. You're expecting too much of yourself. It's a process that takes time and we're all different regarding time frames.

You have my deepest sympathies and I wish healing for you in your own time.

[Dysphoria]

Thank you so much for your kind message, Avalon. I am very sorry for your loss. I have downloaded the book you recommended and have started reading it. It is very helpful. I was struck by the advice to pray a simple mantra such as "Lord Have Mercy". This is exactly what my father did when he was preparing himself for death. A male RN saw my dad praying and said, "God is good, my friend." That seemed to comfort my father and once again he was his normal, calm self, until he lost consciousness. The memory of that small window of peace is what keeps me sane.

My "whirlwind" activities are motivated mostly by loneliness, something I've never really experienced before. I try to go to a restaurant at least once a week if I can get somebody to go with me. Sometimes a full week passes when I don't go out of the house. I have plenty of time to grieve. When someone invites me to do something I usually accept, because I'm afraid they might not ask again if I decline.

People tell me it's best to keep busy, but I can think sad thoughts just as well washing dishes and sweeping the floor as I can lying in bed. I can't even lie in bed, because my sad thoughts make me anxious, and so I get up, even though I haven't slept enough. I suffer from chronic insomnia. I took Ambien to help me sleep for a full year before my father died. After his death, my insomnia became worse. A doctor put me on Ativan, which I finally weaned myself off two weeks ago. I am not on any meds now, but I am still not sleeping as well as I used to.

My dad kept everything, too. I have tried to sort through both my parents' things, but it is still too painful. The other day I was looking through a box of photo albums and I came across my father's scrapbook from when he was a boxer in the US Army during the Korean War. Waves of regret immediately ran over me as I thought how I wish we had gone over this album recently so I could have expressed my admiration for my dad one last time. I started crying intensely. I also found a snapshot of my dad as a young man that I hadn't seen in years that I used to like very much. If I had found it sooner I could have enlarged it and put it in a frame. I was so filled with regret for not looking closer at this album that the next day I rented a car and asked my cousin Randy to drive me to the cemetery so I could put fresh flowers on my dad's grave. Afterward we went to Half Moon Bay since we had the car for the day. I feel guilty for not learning to drive a car, although my father had discouraged me from driving. He stopped driving when I was 9 years old after he accidentally hit a dog which had run out from between two parked cars. I keep thinking about all the fun we could have had if I had bought a car when I first had the chance. Car ownership seems intimidating. My neighbors are very vicious about parking. One neighbor broke the windshield of a car parked in her space and another neighbor slashed the tires of a car for the same reason. It's a crazy world.

I should have treated every day I had with my father as the precious gift it was. I was in denial. If I had thought about him dying every day I wouldn't have been able to function. He wanted to live a normal life, and not be reminded too much of his illness.

I just got through crying my eyes out again because I remembered when I used to come home from school crying, after other kids had teased me for being chubby. My father would comfort me by saying they were jealous. My dad became my lifelong hero when he stopped an older girl from bullying me in first grade at public school. One day she followed me into the girls' bathroom, looked over the stall, and made fun of my flower print underpants. After school, my dad told her to leave me alone or he would beat up her father. He didn't know what her father looked like, but it stopped her cold. That sort of thing can get you killed nowadays, but it was a different era. The following year he switched me to Catholic school.

I wish so much I could have made my dad as proud of me as I was of him. I know I made my father proud in some ways, but not in the ways I wanted to make him proud. He never got to dance at my wedding or hold grandchildren in his arms. By the time I had enough money to improve our quality of life, he was too old and sick to fully enjoy it. Because of problems with contractors, he did not live to see the home improvements completed that would have made him more comfortable and happy. I regret that I complained about crooked contractors, inept lawyers and envious relatives. I can only think of the sad memories right now, even though there were many more good memories. This is why I sought therapy early on, hoping to cure my insomnia, my PTSD from watching my father die in Comfort Care, and the negative thought loops.

The good news is that I like my new therapist. She's four years older than me and she is more personable than the first three therapists. She even asked me what my problem was with them, so she won't make the same mistakes. It's not easy getting to her office, but she may be worth the trouble.

[Dysphoria]

Thank you, dear Cam1957, you have my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your son. I also wish you comfort and healing. After my father died, I was numb and didn't cry at his funeral, which surprised both myself and my relatives. I did cry at various times, before and after his death, but only in short bursts. I felt very sad and anxious, but didn't have the release of intense crying. The first two months, I had very little appetite and lost weight without trying. I still avoid my dad's favorite foods, because he can't enjoy them. I like to go to a Peruvian restaurant, because my dad never tried Peruvian food, so there are no associations with him that would make me miss him. I think skipping meals made my anxiety level higher. I was getting high blood pressure and a fast pulse, which I didn't have before. When I'm anxious, I can't relax or sleep -- I felt like I had to do something about my insomnia and anxiety right away, which is why I started going to grief support groups, therapists and doctors early on. Now that I have finally weaned myself off of sleeping pills and have found a therapist I like, I am hopeful. The therapist specializes in emotional intelligence and she also knows how to do cognitive behavioral therapy.

I know what you mean about dogs being very understanding. Yesterday I was walking home from the therapist's office and passed a little white terrier resting on the sidewalk. He looked up and gave me such a kind look, as if to say, "It's going to be alright."