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My mother is days from passing now. It's been a heart-breaking end to a beautiful woman's life. My mother was abused by my father, more verbally/emotionally than physically, her entire married life. We tried to defend her, but she often would discourage it saying we'd just make things worse.
Years passed with all but one of us moving away. We only gathered for holidays and such. It was clear my mother's life/health was deteriorating as she was being run ragged by our father, who in addition to his abusive ways also began hoarding. Their house became packed with junk and only navigable by way of trails. It was in disrepair and dangerous. We tried to help reclaim some liveable space for our mom and fix things, but all reverted back to before as our father would just buy more stuff.
A few years back our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers. She wanted to stay at home and our father didn't want to hire a caregiver saying he could care for her. Fast forward, we ended up having to rescue our mother, who had been severely neglected and abused. When we got her to the hospital the doctor said she would be lucky to live another two weeks. I won't detail her injuries or the legal battle.
Our mother has lived nearly 4 years since then, receiving exceptional care both professional and from family. Mostly her survival is due to her incredible strength of will and courage. Alzheimers advances nonetheless, and she is now at end-stage.
Her wishes are to be cremated and to have a simple family gathering to scatter the ashes, but our father is insisting on a traditional funeral service with wake and burial. Our mother did not want that, but left nothing in writing. A funeral director consulted by a sibling recommended doing both the traditional service followed by cremation as a compromise.
My questions:
Is it disrespectful to our mother to hold a traditional service when we know she didn't want that?
If we do follow the advice to have both services, is it wrong to tactfully reference what our mother went through when speaking at the service. I don't want to cause a scene, but I also find it hard to accept that our father will play the part of loving widower. It seems like it will be yet another opportunity for him to use our mother to further his image.
I honestly can't offer any suggestions to you on what to do. What a predicament to be in. My heart goes out to you and your family knowing the truth of the pain she endured at his hands for so many years. I would be so resentful toward him and the lie of acting the grieving widower.
I hope that someone with legal experience is able to help you with this decision to help ease the burden that you and your family are facing.
Could he be selfish enough, being that he's a hoarder, knowing he'd have more money to spend abiding by your Mom's wishes?
I guess this will be a learning experience to anyone that reads your post, to get their wishes put into writing.
IMO, he's proving that he didn't love or respect her by going against her wishes. I hope someone here is able to guide you in the right direction.
I'm so sorry you're all being put into this situation. It would take a lot of strength to be able to hold your tongue knowing what he's put her through. I don't know if confronting him to let him know that if he doesn't abide by her wishes, that you and your siblings will not hold your tongues to his abuse of her. Maybe that would make him change his mind providing you and your siblings aren't afraid of him...
I wouldn't want to be in your shoes for anything! I wish you the best and hope somebody is able to help you.
I agree with Cam that this is a very difficult situation. I can't give you any answers, but I have a few comments. First, it is probably best not to really out the whole truth at the service. Starting a big argument or angry feelings during the service will not help your mother. She is at peace now, and defending her by telling the crowd the whole truth will not increase her peace in any way. Second, funeral arrangements are for the living. The dead do not need them. My mom told us she didn't want a service, and we could do whatever we wanted with her ashes. So my sisters and I took them back to the state we grew up in, and had a little family ceremony. We did that because she had one living sister alive, and she needed to pay respect to my mom. Before my husband died, he told me that he didn't need a funeral. I told him (paraphrased) "No, you won't need it - you will be fine. But I will not be fine, and I need it to help me with my grief and recovery, and to bring those who want to support me around me." He said that made sense, and agreed that I could do it however I wanted it.
I think most people say they don't want a service because they don't want to cause their family a lot of expense and stress, not because they actually object to having a service. (There may be some who truly object, but I think that is a smaller number.) I think you might want to talk with your family about whether your mom actually objected to having a service, or was declining to help you out. If she was saying "no service" to help you out, and if she had known that a modified service would really be more of a help in your difficult situation, I imagine she would have agreed to that. But I can't make that recommendation; you have to search your heart, talk to your siblings, and figure out what is the best way to go.
Thank you, Cam and GG for your comments. It's complicated that's for sure. My sister has conservatorship, so the type of service will be our decision to make, but we want it to be something that honors our mother's wishes and avoids further legal battles with our father. And while our mother is long past being able to communicate her wishes, we know she didn't want a wake and burial service. So, we're thinking maybe a double service, one with a closed casket, that is followed at a later date by a private scattering of her ashes, will both honor her wishes and be a fair compromise. Also, a lot of people will want to pay their respects, so we'd like to accommodate them, but we don't want to provide our father an opportunity to exploit the situation.
There's no question he never loved or respected our mother, Cam. He used her to further his career and public image, and when she became ill and couldn't be of use to him any longer his abusive behavior escalated.
His public face of course is very different from the person we know him to be. I'm not interested in calling him out at the service or being confrontational. My mom wouldn't want that. It just seems like there should be some mention, however subtle, acknowledging her courage in surviving what nearly killed her. Maybe we could ask in the program that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to an organization that helps victims of domestic abuse. I don't know, I just don't want him to use her at her own funeral.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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My husband died at a young age, leaving behind four children (all adults), and a thriving law practice in our tiny community. When he died suddenly, people in our small town began calling asking when the service would be. He didn't want a service at all. He knew hundreds of people, most were clients, and was very active in our community. I made a compromise, and hoped that he wouldn't be upset. We had a gathering for friends and associates at a community center with music, food and drink. Hundreds of people came, but he'd been cremated. It turned into a fairly raucous party, which he'd have loved, actually, and everyone had a good time! We got around his wishes, but in a way he would have approved.
A funeral service is held to help the living. It can be cathartic for you, and also for people surrounding the deceased. It would be a mistake to skip having a service, even if no one shows up. It doesn't have to be elaborate. It's a spiritual event and is worth doing in a way that is appropriate and deserved.
I would follow your mother's wishes exactly as she described it to you. If your father questions it, I would remind him that this is what she wanted. if he becomes annoyed, I would simply tell him that this is not "about him." This would be respectful to your mother's memory, and you will never have to wonder about whether you did the right thing or not.
If you have the service, OP, I think that asking for donations for a battered woman's shelter in lieu of flowers would send the message quite passive/aggressively. I would think most people would get the message.
If you have the service, OP, I think that asking for donations for a battered woman's shelter in lieu of flowers would send the message quite passive/aggressively. I would think most people would get the message.
Condolences for you and your siblings.
Man oh man Tami, that is a brilliant idea! I love it.
Man oh man Tami, that is a brilliant idea! I love it.
Not my idea, jan. OP's idea and I was just telling her/him how brilliant I thought THEIR idea was.
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