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I must say, yes, in answer to your first sentence's question: we do look for meaning, the Why.
A college roommate apparently passed away in 2009, I found out maybe a year ago. No one told me. I hadn't spoken to the guy in a decade or two and we didn't leave on what I'd call sparkling terms, thus it likely never dawned on anyone to tell me. Nor did I particularly like the guy. Still...I did live with him two or three semesters, and he wasn't a bad sort. Whip-smart, but unwise as a cocker spaniel puppy wagging it's tail in traffic on the superhighway of life. Seems to me that's why we drifted apart: he was thinking small town farming, I had big-city on my mind. We both found our destiny, for-sure.
Now years after the fact, I wrote someone about it, they sort of stonewalled me (politely) and referred my questions to the buddy's parents. The latter never got back to me. Could have been anything, but this guy was depressive so I just "assumed" the worst. Maybe I'll never know.
I don't know the "why" part of, well, why I care. Something in human nature, we search for patterns and reasons. I'm human, I'm frail in that way so to speak, so I'm curious. And that's that. Perhaps it's in bad taste to ask...
...I think etiquette fails me here. I had any number of people point-blank ask me 'Why' at my mother and father's respective passings (at each wake), and truthfully it didn't bother me talking about it to the curious. Seems like the questioners wanted/needed that information as part of their own grieving process. I really wasn't offended. Appears others might be, from this thread.
I should have probably allowed a spouse to answer the post and Tami did lose her spouse to cancer, so I don't think she would be offended by the why's or causes and please correct me if I'm wrong Tami.
When someone passes of natural causes, it is normal to talk about how it happened and does give comfort to the grieving.
The OP wasn't close to the deceased and we are all curious as to someone's cause of death. It is natural curiosity. A spouse has her/his life turned upside down and is trying to handle everything and if there's children involved they're also trying to handle the grieving children. They're in turmoil.
Any spouses out here, please feel free to chime in and give your opinions on this because I haven't lost a spouse and can be totally wrong on my opinions.
My opinions stem from the death of my 21 y/o son and the suicide of my brother when he was 15.
When my parents died, I did as you did and the questioning is normal and acceptable.
If you haven't kept in touch with that person during their life, then why, other than for your own curiosity do you think the person/s most affected by the death should answer your questions now that he's dead? My comment about not asking questions refers to suicide. You assume because your ex friend was a depressive person, he died of suicide. You said that you didn't particularly didn't like the guy. When it comes to suicide, unless you're a best friend or immediate family member, the intimate details of that tragic death hurts those closest. Your curiosity of the event takes precedence over comforting a person who's life has just been torn apart. You're not showing compassion to the grieving, you're trying to satisfy your curiosity. It is rude (although curiosity is normal for all of us) and selfish if you're not very close in that person's life to ask the why's. I'm going to insert a link to a vid on youtube about curiosity and comfort. By no means am I trying to be rude, I'm just trying to educate people on being more sensitive regarding certain situations regarding the grieving.
The vid is of a Mother that her son died of suicide. It's long, but you'll get the gist of why you shouldn't question anyone regarding a suicide in the first 5 minutes or so.
I hope this helps explain my reasoning for my prior comment about questions.
If you haven't kept in touch with that person during their life, then why, other than for your own curiosity do you think the person/s most affected by the death should answer your questions now that he's dead? My comment about not asking questions refers to suicide...
When someone dies I'm sure there are people that will come out of the woodwork whom the departed's closest may not be familiar with,perhaps we come out to pay our final respects. As for things like suicide,there's a case for a sensitive matter such as that...but I did find my classmate's demise was from heart attack apparently.
I think in the case of a young person -- teenager or 20-something -- it might be best to wait to hear the cause rather than ask. I had a cousin who died young -- well, I think maybe he was in his 30's by that time -- he was found dead in his parents' basement and we know he had alcohol problems but we never did hear exactly what he died from. We figured the family didn't really want to share it, and that's OK.
In the case of a 40-to-60-something person, I think it's very natural to be curious about what happened, especially if you're in the same age bracket. I always wonder if the person was "doctoring" for blood pressure or cholesterol (because I am) and if so, how did they end up having a heart attack? Because if it can happen to them, it can happen to me.
My Mom died suddenly and unexpectedly at 89 and I was very comforted when people asked what happened. I felt they cared and were interested in my Mom.
When someone dies I'm sure there are people that will come out of the woodwork whom the departed's closest may not be familiar with,perhaps we come out to pay our final respects. As for things like suicide,there's a case for a sensitive matter such as that...but I did find my classmate's demise was from heart attack apparently.
I'm overly sensitive because of my situations. I think what you did was very kind, sincere and empathetic. I didn't mean to offend you regarding my last response to the other poster.
You mentioned Facebook in your OP and I don't understand why all of the people that didn't talk to me in school, want to be friends on FB. We've never talked on FB even after they sent me a friend request. It's just another thing I don't understand.
I'm glad that you found out how your old friend died. I'm sure you sharing a memory of him during your youth touched his wife's heart.
You mentioned Facebook in your OP and I don't understand why all of the people that didn't talk to me in school, want to be friends on FB. We've never talked on FB even after they sent me a friend request. It's just another thing I don't understand.
As I mentioned I was facebook friends with the departed for a time,but I did not friend his wife...I just sent a message.
As I mentioned I was facebook friends with the departed for a time,but I did not friend his wife...I just sent a message.
I'm sure your message meant a lot to his spouse...regardless. But I do find some responses to your query rather insensitive. But that's just me
The mere fact you took the time to find her and find his memorial page speaks volumes
Let's face it..the older you get the more you realize that days are numbered for everyone..and when someone your own age passes..it makes one pause just a little to see their own mortality No doubt with fuelled your curiosity as to the why's and how's ..
So, I applaud your thoughts and efforts..Happy Memorial Day to you and yours
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No doubt with fuelled your curiosity as to the why's and how's ..
