How to comfort someone who is dying?

[CFoulke]

I can't really add much to what anyone else has told you. I am sorry that she is dying, and that you are feeling this grief, but I am glad for her that she at least has someone there she can turn to in these last months to unburden herself to and to share what she is going through. Most of us have some sense of fear of death - and I personally feel that it is important to make sure that ones final wishes are prepared for, and that everybody involved (that cares) is made aware of circumstances.

Just being with her, comforting her, spending those precious moments with her mean more to her than you will probably ever know. If you can share a happy memory with her, or an anecdote you remember that will forever bring her to your mind - let her know about it. Be patient and listen with your heart as well as your ears. Make sure that she knows how you feel about having her in your life, how much she means and has meant to you.

Ask if there is anything you can do for her after she is gone - something that would ease her mind now - perhaps make arrangements for a pet or making sure that any items she wished to pass on to someone are taken care of. Take some lotion and give her a gentle massage (if she is able to bear it) while you are visiting. My Mother's Hospice nurses did this and she absolutely loved it - you could feel her whole little body just relax. We had been afraid to "hurt her" because she was so delicate towards the end. She could still feel and could still hear us talking to her.

If she is spiritual - talk to her about her beliefs and reassure her that she will truly be "going home" and that this parting on earth will be temporary. Just give her whatever she needs. Make some extra time for her whenever you can - and try to be strong, but it is ok to begin the grieving process. There are no rules. Love will guide your heart and you will know what to say and how to say it when you look in her eyes. Imagine if it were you laying there - how would you like to be treated? Pass it on....it's that simple. God bless you for being there, and I am sorry for you both, truly.

[CRock]

Thank you for all the kind thoughts, suggestions, and sharing your expereinces. I felt I came up a little short in offering words of comfort. I told her I loved her, and can’t imagine what she is going through. We did take a trip down memory lane! I guess what I said was ok.

She is a charismatic person, loads of fun to be around and has lots of friends even though she lives in a pretty remote place. On the other hand she is a very private person. Someone dropped in one day without calling and she was having a bad day and it really upset her. She told me she has shut people out. She hates to talk on the phone. I think it might be because of her depression or it could be a privacy issue. I tried to get her to open up and let people in. They want to see her and be there for her. If being around friends is not what she wants, I can’t fault her. I don’t know what I would do in her situation. Her partner said her best days are when she goes to the Dr! He has tried to get her to get up and go out without much luck. Seeing how sick she is, I doubt she has many “good” days.

She and her partner have been together have been together for around 35 years! They never married. Her wish is to have a commitment ceremony on a local lake this summer. It was planned for May now its July, which has me a little concerned. I’m not sure how long she has left. The cancer has metastasized to other organs and the lymphatic system. She is not yet with Hospice because they are going to try one more round of chemo for pain control. I told her to do it when ever she is up to it! Don’t be to formal with invitations and such. Be flexible and ready to do it on a moments notice!

You all have offered good suggestions and comforting words.

[thinkalot]

Originally Posted by springazure

I wish I had the magically answers for you? Unfortunately, I've always been surrounded by dieing people that were in complete DENIAL of their situation. I wish I could understand it? I can't.

Be blessed, that at least your cousin UNDERSTOOD her situation. The Avoidance/Denial is really painful for those of us, that know better.

Why is that unfortunate? Would it be better for you if they were sad and upset and wanting to talk about it all of the time? You don't know better. They know they are dying and they will do it their way.

[2Q&Lrn&Hlp]

I have something else to add,
if you want to read an excellent article that answers your question:

"Comforting the Terminally Ill"
http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/2008330

[Avalon08]

This is such a tough one, especially if the person is still going through chemo or clinical trials. I just spoke to a neighbor for whom cancer struck very suddenly and the doctor told her she only had weeks to live, but she was going back home to NY in hopes of finding a miracle. Since she did not directly tell me that the doctor said that (her husband did), I tried to remain cheerful and optimistic that the doctors in NY would be able to help her. She did respond to an e-mail a few weeks later, but now I haven't heard anything and I fear things are not going well.

I also had a friend with terminal liver cancer. She sounds much like your cousin, she shut almost everyone in her life out, including me for some perceived slight (she did that even before she had cancer). We didn't talk much about death, only that she wanted no services at all and that she hadn't made a will. Again, she was going through chemo (even though she knew it was not going away) and I didn't want to talk to her as if she were already gone.

Same thing with my uncle....in the hospital with congestive heart failure and knew there was no hope. That side of the family are big kidders -- there is no situation too serious for them not to find something to laugh at. So when I visited him, I had left my dogs in the car (it was winter) and I asked if I could bring them up to the room. He got a kick out of that. Then I told him I'd bring champagne up for New Year's Eve -- he had stopped drinking years ago, but I said, "Hey, what do you have to lose at this point?". He died on Christmas Day.

I think if it were me, I'd want to talk about it. I'd want to have a sense of humor about it -- like, who gets what, what outfit to bury me in, etc. Humor can really take the strain off. I'd want the person to offer to help me with arrangements. But I understand it's difficult because miracles can happen and you don't want it to feel like a "goodbye" conversation. Very, very tough....I feel your pain on this one.

[Avalon08]

P.S. I didn't mean I actually brought the dogs up to the room; I meant he laughed because it was such a silly request -- "Uncle Fred, should I bring the dogs up?".