Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
The loss of a partner is second only to the loss of a child.
If you knew someone who had lost their precious baby, would you expect them to be "over it" in two years?
Of course not.
You also had the added grief of a slow illness, pure torture in itself.
I suggest your coping ways of partying etc were merely ways of delaying your grief.
Now you have settled down, or allowed yourself to slow down, the grief will start. Its a defined process that no one can avoid, just delay. Read up on it and you will see the exact phases passing through you slowly as nature heals.
FWIW I have heard of people who don't actually grieve, for YEARS. Then one day, something trips, and out it floods and its like they have not moved on a single day.
Please get some appropriate grief support and tell the people who love you how much you are struggling. Visit with your GP and do all the good stuff like diet, morning exercise, daylight sunshine (EXTREMELY important, Vit D).
But also be as gentle with yourself as you would be with your best friend who you have watched trash herself for 2 years and finally hit the wall. Don't judge how you are feeling, journal it if you have to, and you will notice tiny improvements, the good days will increase and that's OK.
2 years later, I'm settled down now. No more partying or drinking, and it's all hitting me hard. I'm suicidal. I sleep almost all day and when I make it out of the house on a simple food run, I count it as a win. My work has suffered. I'm on intermittent fmla leave thankfully, which has been a godsend.
Is this normal? I know grief doesn't follow a linear timeline but is it normal to grieve harder two years later than you did at first? I am so lost.
You need some professional help. You are not "nuts" but just having a rough time that with professional help will pass.
The biggest lie I was told when my Dad died was I would get over it. Five years later I can say that I have not gotten over it but I have learned to endure it.
It's been over 5 yrs since I lost my wife. Since my last post through some unusual circumstances a woman I was engaged to 50 yrs ago has reentered my life. After spending hours on the phone we got together for 4 days. Some old feelings were rekindled and we talked for hours. We are now talking about marriage. I am really happy for the first time in 5 yrs. I know I can love again. It will take time but you can get through loss.
I can say that I have not gotten over it but I have learned to endure it.
I think this is true, and can be said about a lot of the sad events and disappointments in life. Some things you do not get over quickly. Some things you never do, but as you said so perfectly, you learn to endure.
I'm really sorry for your loss. I just lost my husband of 16 years to pancreatic cancer in August. I had to go back to work last week for financial reasons. I have a teen daughter at home and I need to be able to take care of her. But it is a struggle each and every day. We've had cooler weather here this weekend and that reminds me of when every year he loved to build me these beautiful fires. I've kind of been a recluse this weekend.
It is hard after almost 2 years of taking care of him to just go back to life- alone. It's not hard it's impossible. I find it hard to go back to Church because it was "our" Church. Someone else here said losing a spouse is only second to losing a child and I agree with that. I've lost a parent, both in laws, 2 siblings, friends...this is by far and away the hardest.
I wish nothing but the best for you and I hope you can find some help.
I agree with you completely, annieosage. I have lost parents, grandparents, friends, had miscarriages, but these seem to be much easier to come to terms with than losing one's spouse. I lost my husband 10 months ago, and it is still hard for me to see how life will ever be joyful again. If there is a single thing that has helped me the most, it is connecting with other women who have had a similar loss. I know from experience that when you have not gone through this you try to be compassionate and helpful, but you can't really get it. I have a couple of friends who lost their spouses several years ago, and I can tell you that I really didn't understand (though I tried.) But now those friends are SO helpful to me because they see what I am feeling and they have been through it. I went to an 8 week spousal loss group at our local hospice, and that was very helpful. Somehow it helps to hear the stories of others, to reach out and hold the hands of others who are suffering in the same way. I also made a good friend at that group - it is wonderful because we never have to apologize for crying, and we both know that tears can come up even when you aren't talking about the loss. And we support each other in trying to rebuild our lives. I just got a book on my Kindle: Living Without the One You Cannot Live Without. I haven't finished it, so I can't say if it will help me, but I can say that this author can truly encapsulate what my daily life is like.
Right now, I am trying to move. Getting ready to put my house on the market, packing, etc. At the same time, my son is getting ready to move out. So I am also facing a profound feeling of being alone. I won't even have a cat! (Can't get any animals until I am settled.) Regardless of friends, there is always a time when they are gone, and you are alone. And that feeling is so painful because it is the result of a stunning loss of your life partner. I have to say that I have some fear of that time when I am by myself in the house. But I am trying to remember that fear is almost never accurate; we always make up scenarios that never happen, so fear is not helpful, and is a great obstacle to peace. This is one place that faith has helped me.
I have friends who know and who tell me that it gets better, but that it never goes away. You never "get over" the loss. I think this is true. In some ways, it is better than 10 months ago. I have more times when I can thing about my husband and smile. But there are also days, or hours, or moments when it feels like a fresh wound. It is exhausting to be in such pain all the time, to have even pleasant experiences colored by the ever present shadow of grief. But I do believe that it will get better somehow. I'm not sure what the shape of that will be, but I have hope. Be patient, take care of yourself, find someone who understands what you are experiencing, have faith, you will make it.
I lost my husband 4 years ago on October 7. The first year was a state of numbness and bewilderment. The second was anger and pain. The third was learning to deal with my new reality. The fourth has been about endurance. This year even though I still experience moments of intense sadness, I also have experienced moments of joy. It has been a surprising discovery. Sometimes it is when I am with loved ones and sometimes it is just a beautiful day that I share with loving memories.
It is a difficult road...but this is the price I have to pay for the love I have experienced with my husband...i have to bwlieve we will be together again.
2 years later, I'm settled down now. No more partying or drinking, and it's all hitting me hard. I'm suicidal. I sleep almost all day and when I make it out of the house on a simple food run, I count it as a win. My work has suffered. I'm on intermittent fmla leave thankfully, which has been a godsend.
Is this normal? I know grief doesn't follow a linear timeline but is it normal to grieve harder two years later than you did at first? I am so lost.
I would like to comment on this. You say no more partying or drinking and this may be the cause of why things are harder now. Your not escaping, your dealing w/ it. So you using your coping skills and no substances to numb you. I am sober now for awhile and about the same thing happened to me.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with the other posters about finding a grief counselor and a support group.
I think for many people, the second year is actually worse than the first. I know I was in shock for most of the first year and was on auto pilot. The reality of it all sets in after a year and you're forced to deal with it.
I wish you much healing.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
