Estranged father has passed

[Severs]

I come here not looking for condolences for myself, although any condolences for the rest involved will be passed on as I can, but I have mostly come here to get this off my chest, to someone from the outside of the whole situation.

Long story short, due to various reasons I have had no relationship with my father for the last 12 or 13 years. I just received word tonight that he had a massive heart attack and passed away. I will say that the last time I thought about this situation happening, I expected to feel nothing, but that may have been more of a defense mechanism than anything else. While I feel for those who are affected by his loss, I feel nothing myself. I have had close friends of mine tell me that how I feel about it is okay, because as far as our relationship was concerned, he might as well have been a stranger to me.

This is not to say that I don't wish we could have had a relationship, as I do, but due to many actions that he has taken, I distanced myself from him emotionally. I had my phase where I was angry with him for everything he had done to me and my family, and it probably lasted longer than it should have, but for many years it has been a void of emotion towards him. Perhaps some sadness that I had no father son relationship with someone, but other than that... Nothing. No anger, no resentment, no happiness, no anything.

That's also what I felt when my mother knocked on my door tonight and informed me of his passing. Nothing. I reached out to those I know that I am here if they wish to talk about it, because I know some of my family were closer to him. But as for myself receiving the news, it was as if my mother had told me that a total stranger had passed. As far any anything had gone the last 12 years, I had no father, he was never there, and what little I do remember of him from when I was little and he was around was, okay, at best.

In the end, while I do wish that I could have had a relationship with him, and looking back perhaps there was a lot more I could have done on my end to try, it simply wasn't something that I had. There were just too many factors that were a part of the drifting apart that I felt it wasn't worth my time. He had come and gone out of my life multiple times by his own will. I got to the point of not wanting to take the chance of getting hurt again, and just distanced myself from him emotionally.

Looking back on what I nearly typed here, I guess I do still harbor some resentment from the old days, as much as I have tried to let this go, I nearly typed out the long story I was trying to avoid. There is no anger or hatred left, but regrets. I thought I had gotten over it all, I thought that when this happened there would truly be nothing. But looking back, typing here tonight, I do see the regrets. I still feel significantly less than what I probably should, but I do feel something at least now. Something, while still very little, is better than nothing I suppose.

[SkypeColorado]

Severs, please pass along my condolences to the people who were close to your father even though I am a complete stranger.

I too am an estranged father, I have/had two daughters who consider me to be a stranger after well over 20 years of being separated and alienated from me by an ex-wife. Several years ago I contacted both of them and tried to establish a relationship which neither one wanted and were even upset to some degree that I bothered them. I get that completely, the only thing they have is my genes and in their estimation there is nothing to enrich or enhance their lives that I can offer.

That being said, both of the women have made decisions to totally estrange themselves from me and I will respect those choices. Upon my death they will not be notified by my current family or friends since it would be quite pointless to do so. Choices have been made long ago by all of us and it is much too late to regret circumstances or wonder "what if" from the past; sometimes letting go completely is the only option left.

If you feel nothing towards him, that's ok. I'm sure that some of your regrets will fade as you live out your life and that too is ok. You have life because of a biological father and for that alone try to be content.