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There is no SHOULD be over the death of a loved one. My mom died in 2003, and my grandparents (her parents) died in 1991 and 1992. These were the three people who raised me. I have never gotten over their deaths and never will. The world is **** without them in it and will never improve until they come back to life. In other words, the world will always be **** from now on.
Oh and I'm 47 (48 in April) if that means anything.
If you think the world is ****, what are you doing to improve it? Be there for someone else the way your loved ones were there for you. And you don't need to "get over" but "get through". ((((hugs)))
First off, I read the sticky on this forum and realize people may have just lost someone dear to them. My condolences. This isn’t about recent loss. I have a friend, a young adult who lost their father to cancer. The deceased family member passed away 5 months ago and they seem to be letting grief take over their life. They have told their spouse that they really don’t want to celebrate Christmas because the grief makes it too painful.
When is it time and how do you have, “The Talk” about moving on with your life?
DO NOT have "the Talk"!!! It WILL NOT help. It will only make them feel hopeless that things aren't and will never get better.
The bereavment and grieving process takes its own time and everyone is different.
As others have said, everyone grieves differently and the there is no defined time period. In my case, it got better as time went on. I would say that if it isn't getting better, it would be OK to suggest grief counseling but please don't tell anyone grieving to move on. That could backfire tremendously for all parties. I would say if your daughter is OK with not celebrating this year, leave it be. If it happens again next year, there might be more to it than just grief.
There is no SHOULD be over the death of a loved one. My mom died in 2003, and my grandparents (her parents) died in 1991 and 1992. These were the three people who raised me. I have never gotten over their deaths and never will. The world is **** without them in it and will never improve until they come back to life. In other words, the world will always be **** from now on.
Oh and I'm 47 (48 in April) if that means anything.
I agree in principle about the word "should." Should is far too loosely used and in areas where it is not appropriate.
You have not gotten over the deaths. That appears to be fact that you state. You never will get over those deaths? If so, you appear to have powers of seeing into the future. Please tell us which stocks to buy, what the weather will be on Christmas in NYC in 2030. If you can't, please knock off the other prognostications.
If the world will always be **** from now on, then those individuals didn't do a good or complete job of raising you. Were their lives always **** because their parents died? Is there something special about you?
You have grief. You have some anger. Much of that will not leave. That does not mean that you are incapable of joy, that you can't do for others what those people did for you, that you can't make one single other person's life just a tiny bit better. How did the people who raised you get elevated by you? Did they act out of hate or the gloom of any future, or is what you felt from them more akin to love and caring?
If you love and respect those people who raised you, please continue to develop yourself, your strengths, your compassion, to act as a continuation of their love. If the world sucks? So what? You aren't responsible for the world. You do have control over your own attitudes and way that you interact with others. You can create moments and bubbles of joy for you and for others - and still miss those great individuals.
OP: I think there has been a lot of good advice and insight passed on to you. I agree that 5 months is not a lot of time for grieving, that everyone is different, and that relationships are all different, so we should not be judging each other about how we grieve. I also think that "the talk" is a probably not a good idea; you can't make someone snap out of their grief.
I have a pretty small family, but the 9 of us always get together for Christmas, spend at least 3 days together, go to church together, eat, open presents, and all that goes with Christmas. My husband died 3 years ago in early December. We knew his death was imminent for the last month, and during that time, I talked to my sister and said basically that I wanted to still have Christmas, since family is important to me, but I would have no heart for shopping. So we just called off gifts for that year. We had no children at the time - all adults. I did no baking, but my sisters did. My husband's service was on Dec. 23. We observed all the other habits and rituals of Christmas, but on Christmas morning gave memories to each other rather than gifts. We sat around the Christmas tree and talked about all of our happy Christmas memories. I don't really remember much about that Christmas, but I know I was allowed to grieve along with everything else. The next Christmas we started back with gifts.
I am not saying this to get people to do what we did, but saying that losses should be acknowledged at times like these. I hope that your daughter and her husband can talk about what would make THIS Christmas meaningful to them. Its OK to change traditions, and OK to change them back again. Its OK to grieve, to enjoy the lights of Christmas through your tears.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper
OP: I think there has been a lot of good advice and insight passed on to you. I agree that 5 months is not a lot of time for grieving, that everyone is different, and that relationships are all different, so we should not be judging each other about how we grieve. I also think that "the talk" is a probably not a good idea; you can't make someone snap out of their grief.
I have a pretty small family, but the 9 of us always get together for Christmas, spend at least 3 days together, go to church together, eat, open presents, and all that goes with Christmas. My husband died 3 years ago in early December. We knew his death was imminent for the last month, and during that time, I talked to my sister and said basically that I wanted to still have Christmas, since family is important to me, but I would have no heart for shopping. So we just called off gifts for that year. We had no children at the time - all adults. I did no baking, but my sisters did. My husband's service was on Dec. 23. We observed all the other habits and rituals of Christmas, but on Christmas morning gave memories to each other rather than gifts. We sat around the Christmas tree and talked about all of our happy Christmas memories. I don't really remember much about that Christmas, but I know I was allowed to grieve along with everything else. The next Christmas we started back with gifts.
I am not saying this to get people to do what we did, but saying that losses should be acknowledged at times like these. I hope that your daughter and her husband can talk about what would make THIS Christmas meaningful to them. Its OK to change traditions, and OK to change them back again. Its OK to grieve, to enjoy the lights of Christmas through your tears.
What a thoughtful, encouraging post. Sorry for your loss.
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