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So, how do people deal with intense grief and emotional pain if it lasts for many months or years? I was so distracted for just one month that I was fearful I might lose my job.
The world seems to have no patience or mercy for this sort of thing.
That too is a very individual thing. There is no right or wrong answer again.
You are correct, the world has no patience or mercy.
Fortunately for me when my mother and father died, I worked in a Union shop. They couldn't fire me for taking two weeks accrued vacation days off when each one died.
When my husband died, I worked with the public and I had to quit my job because I couldn't smile anymore, didn't appreciate regular customers hitting on me. So I took my Union pension instead.
When my dad died he was very elderly but had been in quite good shape. It was a big shock, however, as the hospital was about to release him the next morning.
I remember I could not tolerate eating and when I forced myself everything tasted like cardboard. I just felt hollowed out for several months after that.
When my mother died, she was declining for a period in the hospital and we knew it was coming. Not that it made it easier, but I think sometimes shock is added to grief and causes your body to react in different ways, too.
Everyone is an individual with different coping mechanisms and no one way to grieve is "correct". If your life is being profoundly affected in a negative way many weeks later, counseling or a grief support group might help.
If your life is being profoundly affected in a negative way many weeks later, counseling or a grief support group might help.
That also is not necessarily true either. TIME is the great healer.....if you let it be. It took me over 4 years to come out of my grief most of the way. It's been 6 1/2 years now but now I am a functional human being again.
So, how do people deal with intense grief and emotional pain if it lasts for many months or years? I was so distracted for just one month that I was fearful I might lose my job.
The world seems to have no patience or mercy for this sort of thing.
You are right about this. Many people do not understand what grief means, probably because it hasn't happened to them (yet.) The number of responses to this quandary are as numerous as the people dealing with it. I was already retired. At various times, I could sit and think, look at photo albums, talk to friends, go to grief groups, etc. as much as I wanted. Many are not so lucky. They may have to compartmentalize - close it off from their consciousness - for their working hours. Some have heavy family responsibilities. In general (although generalizations are dangerous) people who don't have the opportunity to take the time to grieve often have difficulties for much longer, or have it "pop up" much later on, or don't resolve some issues, etc.
I went to a grief class a year after my wife died. The other participants were about 90 days or less from their loss and hoped they were almost through grieving. They were not happy to see me because they were certain that grief lasted about three or four months. Maybe in some circumstances. My mom was in a nursing home for seven years and became mostly unresponsive the last six months so most of the grieving took place months before she died. You will miss someone forever but the grief will eventually diminish to nothing over time.
I think it depends on the relationship you had with the deceased. My Dad passed with Alzheimer's almost 6 years ago. For 3-4 years he could not talk. When he fell down the stairs 3 months before his death, I knew he wasn't going to last much longer even though he did not have any serious injuries from the fall. His death was a blessing after his suffering for so long.
When my husband passed 3 years ago, his illness came on quick. He didn't suffer with his final illness very long though he was sick much of his 63 years. I'm still mad to this day at him for being so careless. Living in financial ruin not knowing what the next day brings, adds to my grief over his loss. If the financial thing weren't so hard I could probably learn to live again, but its hard.
For some I think it hits them harder after the first month. There is a lot to do when a person dies. When that slows down it can really hit you.
That first month I think that my Mother was "protected" somewhat with utter numbness. That and her absolute certainty that the loss of my Brother was not real; simply a nightmare out of which she could not find her way.
She turned briefly to alcohol but, not being much of a drinker, all it did was make her throw up.
Then came the grief counsellors until she said that she could simply stay home and cry instead of paying hundreds of dollars to go cry in their offices.
Then came the mediums...more dollars spent trying to ease the agony; each of them told her at least one thing of importance but no one told her enough.
Then came the car accident resulting in a fractured sternum where she refused heart monitoring at the hospital because (a doctor there told us), if she died we would be able to accept an accident, since we had made her take a solemn vow to not suicide.
Then she simply shut down...for about three years it was like she wasn't in there at all.
Now all these years later she has managed to build a wall around her grief, to keep it private and at least now we can talk (and laugh) about our memories of my darling Brother.
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the grief will eventually diminish to nothing over time.
That is absolutely not true!!! You NEVER not have some grief buried deep down inside you! Unless of course, you did not love that person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by myrc60
Living in financial ruin not knowing what the next day brings, adds to my grief over his loss. If the financial thing weren't so hard I could probably learn to live again, but its hard.
That is absolutely not true!!! You NEVER not have some grief buried deep down inside you! Unless of course, you did not love that person.
Oh, don't I hear you loud and clear!!!
As anyone who has been around those with dementia, Alzheimer's, or people with strokes can attest, grief does not always transcend the limits of the brain. Memory itself is a bit of a mystery still, so I would not be as assertive with that posit as you are.
The issue of finances after the death of a spouse is better discussed in economics/personal finances, please.
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