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I think I was wearing the mantle of "widow" for a while. I finally got over that. The only time I share that I am a widow now is when my new doctors ask for the record.
I think we can all recognize that people grieve differently, and that those whose lives aren't derailed by grief have a right to express that, and those who really are struggling day to day in grief have a right to express that also. Everyone has a right to their story.
When my mom and dad both died in their 80's, although I missed them and would, at first, think oh I need to show that to mom, only to realize again I had lost her. Oh wouldn't mom love this, oh no, she's gone. Can't wait to hear mom's take on this . . . etc. That lasted a year, where I'd forget for an instant that she was gone and would have sad pangs in my heart.
But to me, I've expected since I was a child to outlive my parents, and certainly my grandparents. And that has happened. And I miss them, wistfully. But I truly wouldn't say I'm grieving them still.
I had two first trimester miscarriages, and I will say I'm not grieving them. It was a disappointment, and a sad week. Time marches on.
If I ever lost a child, or when my siblings pass on or my husband passes on, I think those will be losses I will grieve forever. Those will be holes I didn't necessarily expect to have in my life.
I still can't stand to look at pictures of my mother. I have decades of fond memories. But it doesn't do me any good to think about them because they simply remind me of her absence now.
Sockie, I am so sorry that you have lost your husband. I lost mine to cancer, too, and a lot of other people on this forum. I slept in the guest room for the first month. It helped me because in our own bed, I kept listening for him and expecting him to be there during the night. In the guest room, it was a single bed, and I guess it was easier to sleep there by myself.
Please take care of yourself. Doubtless, you have been through something long and draining. Try to eat well, sleep as much as you can, and get some walking in every day, even if it is slow walking. Getting outside is helpful. Nature can be healing, but sometimes it is hard to see that early on. Have patience. This will be a long road for you, but remember, that things will get better. I hope you have people or at least one person around to talk to. That is important, too.
Keeping the tv on with the volume low helped me finally fall asleep at night, Sockie. I still do that 50% of the time. I find "Forensic Files " to be a good show to fall asleep to.
My mother passed away in May of last year. For one month, I experienced this brutal, empty feeling that wouldn’t go away no matter what I did or thought about. It felt like someone stabbed a dagger into my soul and I was deprived of something very precious.
After that one month, the feeling gradually started to wane. I think my mind suppressed the thought of my mother’s death because thinking about it wasn’t doing me much of any good. Now, more than a year later, I can say that it no longer affects me the way it did in those first few weeks.
I say this for those of you who are going through a period of grief - no matter how terrible you feel it is, it will come to pass. Just hang in there.
Thanks for the thought. My Dad and Mom both died already this year. Dad in January and Mom in April. My brother died in January of last year and now I feel like an orphan. I am still having a very difficult time with it 3 months after Mom's death. Everything has changed. I'm not as happy in my marriage. I have to decide if I want to move into Mom's and Dad's house, which is the house I grew up in, or sell it and pay off our house. Everything would be so much easier if I were single. I wouldn't have to consider anybody else. I am in so much pain and I don't know what to do.
Thanks for the thought. My Dad and Mom both died already this year. Dad in January and Mom in April. My brother died in January of last year and now I feel like an orphan. I am still having a very difficult time with it 3 months after Mom's death. Everything has changed. I'm not as happy in my marriage. I have to decide if I want to move into Mom's and Dad's house, which is the house I grew up in, or sell it and pay off our house. Everything would be so much easier if I were single. I wouldn't have to consider anybody else. I am in so much pain and I don't know what to do.
First off, I'm sorry for your losses. That's a lot to go through in a short time.
I think most who have lost loved ones would say don't make any major decisions for a year or more. I know that's what I'd suggest.
I was always a fairly level-headed guy in every way and a successful businessman, but when I lost my beloved wife 22 years ago, I lost all sense of reason. I'd divorced my first wife 5 years earlier, just before meeting my late wife, and gave her all of our cash and most everything else of any value as settlement. All I really kept was some minor real estate with zero value and my good credit.
After my wife died, suddenly and without any warning, all I wanted to do was run away. And that's what I did. I quit working and just took off. I don't think it helped with anything, but I couldn't seem to stay home and work. Three years later I had accumulated nearly $500K in credit card debt and had nothing to show for it. I had to sell my only "retirement" investment property and refinance 2 houses just to get even. (Luckily they had all appreciated significantly since my divorce.)
I did worse things that I'll not get into, but the point is, I was out of control and "unable" to function like I had for so many years. I guess it was depression, but at the time I didn't recognize it for that.
Just be careful. You're probably not yourself right now.
I think I was wearing the mantle of "widow" for a while. I finally got over that. The only time I share that I am a widow now is when my new doctors ask for the record.
My husband has been gone for seven months. I recently started to go to several new doctors. I circled both M (married) and W (widow/widower) on the forms.
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