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What ultimately helped you move through your pain?
After about a year I intentionally sought out new friends. I looked for people and activities that were new. I was becoming a poster child for grief among my usual circle at work or church or old social friends. I found a small group of people who did not know my wife and only knew that I was a surviving spouse but had no inclination to join me in my grief or reinforce it. It took me a long time to realize that needed a group of people where I could just be myself and not the poor guy whose wife died. I didn't give up on my old friends (they were grieving too) but I had a sort of refuge where, once a week, I could just experience something close to normal. I have since moved 1000 miles away but I still keep in touch and go back to visit every year or so. When I moved it was part of a reinvention process.
I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best for your husband and you.
Thank you very much. I watched my mom go through this with my dad, and now I walk in her shoes.
He’s a medical doctor who was retiring soon. Now he’s out on medical disability. What a sad way to end 30 years of caring for other people, 60 hours a week. He’s a wonderful man.
Disclaimer: I am a rare person who, having lived 50+ years on this earth, has never experienced a deep loss. I still have both parents, my husband, all my siblings, and my (grown) children. Perhaps it is because I have not yet lost anyone dear to me that I am quite fearful of how painful it will be when the time comes. I wouldn't say I am obsessed, but lately I can easily cry just thinking about losing my parents, for example (88 and 90). And I often tell my husband that if he leaves this earth he better take me with him. I cannot fathom carrying on without him.
I try to think about the natural cycle of life. People are born, they live, they die. I try to think about how life is constantly full of all kinds of changes for all of us, and that with change comes new joys. And I try to tell myself that I will survive the inevitable losses that my future holds, just as billions of other people have done. But mostly I feel frustrated with the inability to know what happens to someone after they die, and that has become almost an obsession with me the past year or so.
Other than religious beliefs (which I no longer hold) what helped you move through the intense pain of losing someone precious to you?
Losing somebody you truly love is the worst emotional pain a human can ever experience. I kid you not. It hurt like hell. It changed my life. I lost weight. Thought I was going to die it hurt so bad. Eventually I learned to deal with it. Doesn't go away but, in time, I learned to manage and carry on. That is what the deceased would want. So that helped.
I'm OK most of the time, but this is the anniversary of dying and death week. At nine years, I still have a bit of a problem with this. Two days ago, I thought of a song that my husband used to sing to me. I couldn't fall asleep last night. I was awake until after 4 AM. Today I remembered why.
I can relate, this is my first Thanksgiving and Christmas and my first birthday without my companion. I am finally starting to move to a different phase of my grief, and I think ultimately hits I thought I fully realize just how much pain he was in how much suffering he was in from poor health and I know that he was a blessing to me. So having those loving memories and loving thoughts is the only thing that keeps me going. And I try to tell myself it's OK to cry and it's OK to grieve but I do not have to be wedded to unhappiness. Sorry for the typos I am using Siri.
I can relate, this is my first Thanksgiving and Christmas and my first birthday without my companion. I am finally starting to move to a different phase of my grief, and I think ultimately hits I thought I fully realize just how much pain he was in how much suffering he was in from poor health and I know that he was a blessing to me. So having those loving memories and loving thoughts is the only thing that keeps me going. And I try to tell myself it's OK to cry and it's OK to grieve but I do not have to be wedded to unhappiness. Sorry for the typos I am using Siri.
Typos don't matter here. I don't see any.
The firsts are the worst. The second isn't much better. I wish that you could come to my place for some kind of food. We could watch a movie or take a walk. We would talk. At least we can still talk.
Nothing ever has. 38 years later I feel it like day one. I was at the cemetery 3 times already today, and likely will be there once more. Moderator cut: Mind reading and comparisons You simply cope, at best.
Last edited by harry chickpea; 12-22-2019 at 02:34 PM..
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