Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Sorry for your loss OP. Been there, done that with my Mom's "stuff"
EVERYONE should make a list while they are still mentally capable of it:
List everything that has sentimental value to you, or possibly has resale value.
If you have heirs that might fight about your "stuff" put their names on each article on the list that you want them to have.
If they don't want it, they can give it to a sibling or another relative, or give it away to someone (a neighbor/friend) who might hold it dear to them because it belonged to their friend.
If no one else wants it, they can toss it out or give it away to goodwill.
Through an unfortunate series of events, I ended up with everyone's stuff. Grandparents, parents, and finally, husband's. It was totally and completely overwhelming. It took me 5 YEARS to be able to park a car in my garage. 11 years later, I am still getting rid of stuff.
It just sucks the life out of you. Too much clutter and mess. You end up serving the stuff. Don't let anyone guilt you out about keeping stuff you don't want. Go through it once. Either it is good enough to donate or it goes in the trash. Judge your success by the size of your trash/donate piles. Get rid of it so you can get on with your own life.
My dad died in April and left behind three bank accounts, three vehicles, and a trailer. He didn't own any property and lived a seasonal existence where he shuttled back and forth winter and summer staying with friends or relatives. So his van and trailer contain everything he owned, which wasn't much. My sister and I are weeks into the task of sorting through, throwing away, donating to Goodwill, etc.
Two things:
1) I had a decent relationship with my dad but my sister did not. I spent a lot of time with him and she did not. I'm finding that my sister keeps urging me to hang on to certain items of sentimental value, when I really don't wish to - I have the memories, I don't need to keep the objects, particularly when they are worn out or not usable. "Don't throw it away - you'll be sorry!" No, I'm pretty sure I won't be. I generally take these items home and wash them properly in preparation for giving them to Goodwill (and that's my way of saying goodbye to them), but I just don't feel it's necessary to keep them. I wish she would stop telling me to keep them, but I don't want to offend her or make a scene.
the more serious thing is 2)...
2) I am becoming mentally overwhelmed by the consciousness of all the belongings and junk that my parents (and elderly aunt also) have collected which I will be responsible for getting rid of when the time comes (because they never ever think ahead about who's going to have to throw out these things). Furthermore, I come home and look around my place and now see only junk and objects (of my own) to be thrown away (not things I love or enjoy). I feel like I need to throw away everything and that every second of my day should be spent weeding and tossing and shredding my own stuff, when I'm not throwing out my dad's stuff. I find it hard to relax. I don't have any help (other than my sister with my dad's things) and probably won't have any help when my other relatives die. I feel like I am going to be throwing things away all day every day until I drop dead.
Making matters worse, I have a job at an library where we are now just doing nothing but throwing away old items to repurpose the space -- books, periodicals, scrap metal, desks, bookshelves, furniture -- my whole job has become arranging for these things to be taken away and it's getting deeply depressing when combined with my life circumstances right now.
Has anyone else been through this burden/obsession with throwing away obsolete things after a death in the family? I feel like I'm drowning in stuff, not just my dad's but also my own and all the stuff my other relatives have collected (and they don't even think about cleaning their own messes up). Everything looks junky and old, nothing is enjoyable any more. I feel like I just want to throw out the whole world. Does it get better?
Dad passed away years ago...Mom now 84 years old (luckily in good shape), but a bit of a hoarder with tons of stuff in the old house. Sister basically estranged from family...doesn't want to be involved, and my older brother is special needs. I'm going to have to do it all at some point. EBAYed a few things...will probably have an estate sale on the rest and what doesn't sell, give most to goodwill? She may move soon and downsize...worried about all of this.
Hire a company that does estate sales. They'll sort, price, and sell, then arrange for the rest to be donated or whatever you want. They take a percentage, and it's worth it.
i have been in cleanout mode since both our mothers died this past year. Apart from some of their things we still have some of our kids' stuff from way back as well as stuff the grandkids have outgrown.
Gosh it is all exhausting. Our main big op shops are Vinnies (St Vincent de Paul) and Salvos (Salvation Army) So today discovered Vinnies will not take any baby equipment at all. Salvos will take strollers with compliance certificates attached. As mine did not have this it is off to council cleanup. Along with the non compliant high chair, car seats and broken toys.
Fortunately Salvos will take covered coat hangers, of which my late mother had a lot. Vinnies won't take them but were happy with a very ugly wooden CD holder from Bali. We were happy to donate my mother's good clothes to a charity who send them to Fiji but MIL's went to Vinnies.
Then there are old books. Some of my mothers went to Vinnies but DD's university textbooks are obsolete and are so heavy they have to go in our recycling bin in batches.
I simply cannot cope with all the old photos. I cannot bear to throw all of them out. I thought of scanning them but who is going to look at them? At least our mothers' jewellery is now all given out to family members.
I simply cannot cope with all the old photos. I cannot bear to throw all of them out. I thought of scanning them but who is going to look at them? At least our mothers' jewellery is now all given out to family members.
I have a ton of old family photos. DH was great with a scanner and went through years of slides from the 1950s, 60s and 70s before he died. Mom gave me more hard-copy photos before she died, some duplicates of what DH had. I can operate a scanner but it's taken me a couple of years to get to it; my mother died in October, 2016 and DH died the following month (both forms of cancer) so I couldn't face them for awhile.
Your circumstances may be different but I have a large extended family: 4 siblings, nieces nephews, great- nieces and -nephews, a lot of first cousins. Many are on FB and they love to see the occasional old photo. Even my other friends like to see old pictures of me, or will notice the car, the clothes, etc. I"ve also made copies of them and give thumb drives with all the pictures to family members.
The ones dealing with stuff: you have my sympathy. I feel a little guilty getting rid of some things but I remind myself that they've created all the happiness they were going to for me, they're not creating any more, so they go. I felt particularly bad about a bride doll I'd had in the 1950s- Mom had saved it all these years. I think I did treasure it back then, but now dolls look a little creepy to me and it reeks of the 1950s mindset that the epitome of your life is the day you marry a good husband. I put it out as Free Stuff on Craigslist. I hope someone else appreciates it.
I have a ton of old family photos. DH was great with a scanner and went through years of slides from the 1950s, 60s and 70s before he died. Mom gave me more hard-copy photos before she died, some duplicates of what DH had. I can operate a scanner but it's taken me a couple of years to get to it; my mother died in October, 2016 and DH died the following month (both forms of cancer) so I couldn't face them for awhile.
Your circumstances may be different but I have a large extended family: 4 siblings, nieces nephews, great- nieces and -nephews, a lot of first cousins. Many are on FB and they love to see the occasional old photo. Even my other friends like to see old pictures of me, or will notice the car, the clothes, etc. I"ve also made copies of them and give thumb drives with all the pictures to family members.
The ones dealing with stuff: you have my sympathy. I feel a little guilty getting rid of some things but I remind myself that they've created all the happiness they were going to for me, they're not creating any more, so they go. I felt particularly bad about a bride doll I'd had in the 1950s- Mom had saved it all these years. I think I did treasure it back then, but now dolls look a little creepy to me and it reeks of the 1950s mindset that the epitome of your life is the day you marry a good husband. I put it out as Free Stuff on Craigslist. I hope someone else appreciates it.
I had intended to scan a selection of my mother's old photos even before she died. But actually our family is small, she was the last of her generation. I have a brother and sister but they have only one daughter between them. There is only one cousin in contact. I can give anyone who is interested some of the photos to keep. But I suppose I should scan some in case anyone is interested at a much later stage.
I no longer post on FB because of security and privacy concerns and neither do most people I know. Actually the Instagram effect worries me. It reminds me of what you say about the old bride doll, some young ladies I know post nothing but endless stylised photos of themselves and I wonder what values and aspirations they have.
I always do keep in mind a friend whose husband had a stoke when he was early sixties. He could not do very much the few years he survived after that and she said he spent a lot of time going through and enjoying their family photos. Which does make me inclined to keep a good number.
I always do keep in mind a friend whose husband had a stoke when he was early sixties. He could not do very much the few years he survived after that and she said he spent a lot of time going through and enjoying their family photos. Which does make me inclined to keep a good number.
And don't forget to annotate them, either on the back of the physical photo (carefully, with something that won't soak through) or in the Properties section of the file when they're electronic. My mother had written the wedding date of my paternal grandparents (her in-laws) on the back of their wedding photo. Their 90th anniversary was last month so I posted that photo on FB. Even people who weren't part of the family loved the vintage dresses and Grandma's beautiful bouquet.
My Mom passed Oct 2017. My Dad passed Nov 2018. The lived in the house they bought in 1959 meaning almost 60 years of living in the same place.
The will was my brother, myself, and our children (2 each) splits in thirds with mine and his kids comprising 1/3 total. I was in charge of everything. I made it really simple. I told everyone to come by (all are local) and point out anything of meaning to them so they could take it. If two people wanted the same thing we discussed. After that it was rent a dumpster and get rid of it all (3 dumpsters full). I knew my parents had nothing of real monetary value.
Each of us took some stuff. I took tools, some electronics, a bed, a refrigerator. I kept all pictures (for now to deal with later) and sold the vehicles. The house is sold and now demolished with a new bigger one being built in its place.
As main executor all I wanted was to give those involved the opportunity to take what they wanted. In your case I would have simply said if you want the stuff come and take it, because whatever isn't taken is being dumped. That's what I said, and that's what I did. It all worked out fine. Who knows if I threw something away of value. I didn't care. I just wanted it all behind me.
My dad died in April and left behind three bank accounts, three vehicles, and a trailer. He didn't own any property and lived a seasonal existence where he shuttled back and forth winter and summer staying with friends or relatives. So his van and trailer contain everything he owned, which wasn't much. My sister and I are weeks into the task of sorting through, throwing away, donating to Goodwill, etc.
Two things:
1) I had a decent relationship with my dad but my sister did not. I spent a lot of time with him and she did not. I'm finding that my sister keeps urging me to hang on to certain items of sentimental value, when I really don't wish to - I have the memories, I don't need to keep the objects, particularly when they are worn out or not usable. "Don't throw it away - you'll be sorry!" No, I'm pretty sure I won't be. I generally take these items home and wash them properly in preparation for giving them to Goodwill (and that's my way of saying goodbye to them), but I just don't feel it's necessary to keep them. I wish she would stop telling me to keep them, but I don't want to offend her or make a scene.
the more serious thing is 2)...
2) I am becoming mentally overwhelmed by the consciousness of all the belongings and junk that my parents (and elderly aunt also) have collected which I will be responsible for getting rid of when the time comes (because they never ever think ahead about who's going to have to throw out these things). Furthermore, I come home and look around my place and now see only junk and objects (of my own) to be thrown away (not things I love or enjoy). I feel like I need to throw away everything and that every second of my day should be spent weeding and tossing and shredding my own stuff, when I'm not throwing out my dad's stuff. I find it hard to relax. I don't have any help (other than my sister with my dad's things) and probably won't have any help when my other relatives die. I feel like I am going to be throwing things away all day every day until I drop dead.
Making matters worse, I have a job at an library where we are now just doing nothing but throwing away old items to repurpose the space -- books, periodicals, scrap metal, desks, bookshelves, furniture -- my whole job has become arranging for these things to be taken away and it's getting deeply depressing when combined with my life circumstances right now.
Has anyone else been through this burden/obsession with throwing away obsolete things after a death in the family? I feel like I'm drowning in stuff, not just my dad's but also my own and all the stuff my other relatives have collected (and they don't even think about cleaning their own messes up). Everything looks junky and old, nothing is enjoyable any more. I feel like I just want to throw out the whole world. Does it get better?
Reading through the forum helped me to downsize, along with necessity. When I moved from one state to another upon retirement, it was prudent to review what I was willing to spend money on to move and I ended up giving a lot away. Even then I found I had kept too much.
I recently moved again from a two bedroom to a one bedroom apartment. Once again I find myself downsizing even more. There's a coffee set I keep hanging on to even though I haven't used it in years.
A flashbulb appeared over my head the other day and I thought, 'Why aren't you letting someone else enjoy that?' So it will go in the give away box. Since moving I have donated five bags and a box and have started another box.
I still have more to go through but have been taking my time. Be gentle with yourself and don't do more than you're ready to.
As for your sister, say, go ahead and keep it if you want to, personally I have enough.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
