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Well, I don't know what happened with your situation, and I'm sorry you were hurt by it. But I wanted to point out that the process and disposal of my parents' estates fell nearly all to me and it was not (and IS not) relatively painless at ALL. That's been one reason why I have become so firm about it - because I've had to be. And I am about to get more firm - and more ruthless.
I have been holding on to other peoples' stuff for YEARS now. My attic is full of other peoples' stuff. My closets upstairs. Boxes. Trunks. A safe. All things that other family members have told me they want - when they can come get them. Come on - it's been years now. I know you live out of state, but you've freaking BEEN HERE WITH A TRUCK several times. And somehow managed not to pick up your stuff from my house. Always some sort of excuse.
I'll tell you why they aren't getting this stuff - because it's inconvenient to them and they know that I've got it and they don't think I will throw it away. So they leave it here. I am sick of this stuff. Oh and by the way, I am the one who made it a point to get these items for them, move them to my house, haul them up the stairs, or put them in a safe or closet or whatever. Me - a middle aged woman, actually the oldest of my siblings. And my husband is a smooth ten years older than any of them, but he and I have hauled this stupid stuff around over and over again.
So here is my plan. I am going to haul this stuff one more time - to an outbuilding out of state. I don't care if it's valuable stuff. I don't care if it's supposedly "fragile." I'm moving it into that outbuilding that is filled with more stuff that doesn't belong to me, and I am going to tell my brother "Your stuff is in such and such barn. At some point that barn is going to be sold by the estate and you'll need to get your stuff out of it. Oh, the antique coins? In the barn. The antique desk? In the barn. The oil paintings? In the barn. Yep, not in my house anymore. If you want it, go get it." I can hear it now "But they're not safe in that barn!" And my answer is going to be, "Well, it's locked but if you're worried about it, go get it."
The barn is part of an estate and the trust is who needs to agree to sell the property, not my brother, and I've already lined up a buyer and a back up buyer so this is going down pretty soon!
I can hardly wait.
It's too bad you have to do that but I agree with what you are doing.
When my Dad died my mother and I packed up his clothes the day after the funeral to take to the Rescue Mission.
While we were doing it we remembered all of the good times they had when my Dad wore that suit or that tie or that hat. It wasn't a sad occasion. We thought about the people that would get their first quality suit or Stetson fedora. It made her feel good that the clothes were going to do some people some good.
I heard something yesterday. "Don't be sad that you lost them. Be happy that you had them."
It's too bad you have to do that but I agree with what you are doing.
Thank you.
I have borne the brunt of the physical part of caring for elderly, dying parents and then ALL THEIR STUFF (and it was a LOT) for years. For various reasons, both my brothers live out of state, and so they weren't here to help me. Not saying I'm upset about that, but it is just the way it played out. But now? Now I have all this STUFF and I am just not going to keep storing it for them, for "someday." Nope. It's going in a barn, in the fall when it's not so hot to move it.
When my Dad died my mother and I packed up his clothes the day after the funeral to take to the Rescue Mission.
While we were doing it we remembered all of the good times they had when my Dad wore that suit or that tie or that hat. It wasn't a sad occasion. We thought about the people that would get their first quality suit or Stetson fedora. It made her feel good that the clothes were going to do some people some good.
I heard something yesterday. "Don't be sad that you lost them. Be happy that you had them."
I really like that quote.
I also like your story. It makes a lot of sense to me. I'm not one of those people who feels weird about going through a deceased loved ones belongings and dispersing them.
After my dad's funeral, we had everyone there. I mean everyone - with trucks large vehicles, and all that good stuff. I talked with my mom and I said, "You know, how do you feel about giving people Dad's hats, and maybe some of his small items that we know he wanted to go to people?" She was absolutely fine with it. So after the funeral, at my parents' house, I said, "While everyone is here, and before everyone scatters, Mom would like for us to go ahead and take some of these smaller items of Dad's home with us." Most of it, he had already told who to give it to but like his hats, which were really nice and very nostalgic (and my family members love to wear hats so there was that), we needed to divvy up. Also, my dad had a collection of binoculars of all things, and my mom didn't care a whit about those, so hey everyone is here, let's divvy those up too.
Most people were fine with it but I caught a little bit of flak from one or two people who said, "Wow, that sure did seem insensitive of her." Oh well. My mom was eager to clear some things out, everyone was there, and believe me, most people had no plans to actually come back anytime soon and get these items. And everyone knew my mom was going to move into assisted living within a few weeks - my parents had already discussed this before my dad's death with everyone. My mom couldn't live alone and my dad was her main caregiver.
Nope, a few people would have been fine just walking out of there with nothing and then expecting me to either mail them these items or store them till they decided to come get them. In fact, that's what I ended up doing with one brother's items anyway because he just left them there anyway "to come get later." Three years later and they're still at my house.
Although I seldom buy anything, I do enjoy going to estate sales. I don't go to any out of my way, it's just if I see one in passing. I see people buying things that I would just toss in the trash. Half bottles of shampoo, for example. I suspect the good stuff is frequently taken by the family members before the estate sale happens. It seems that some days they cut the prices in half on whatever is left. I have also seen a few estate sales that have a bid box. The professional estate sales seem highly overpriced me.
I purge my own house on a regular basis. I don't let my husband see what I'm getting rid of though, because he would want to keep it. @@
Although I seldom buy anything, I do enjoy going to estate sales. I don't go to any out of my way, it's just if I see one in passing. I see people buying things that I would just toss in the trash. Half bottles of shampoo, for example. I suspect the good stuff is frequently taken by the family members before the estate sale happens. It seems that some days they cut the prices in half on whatever is left. I have also seen a few estate sales that have a bid box. The professional estate sales seem highly overpriced me.
I purge my own house on a regular basis. I don't let my husband see what I'm getting rid of though, because he would want to keep it. @@
I have the opposite problem - my husband wants to throw everything away! I don't know which is worse.
In this vein... I used to have mixed feelings about going to estate sales. I felt ghoulish, picking through the belongings of someone gone, almost like I was benefiting from their death.
Then I realized: their family needs to get rid of this stuff. Rather than feel like I'm a vulture, they may feel I'm helping them out. (It's the way I would feel-- pleeeeeeeeease take it!! lol) I don't feel bad about it anymore.
And sometimes, in a way, it almost feels like a tribute to the person. I didn't know them, but I get an idea of who they were and how they lived by what they left behind. And in some cases, I've thought, "Wow, I wish I had known them" because I could tell we probably would've gotten along, or at least bonded over similar interests.
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Originally Posted by germaine2626
And, it is OK to save too many things right away and then go through them again in a couple of weeks or months.
However. This is only true IF you have the room to save the things, and IF you will go through them again in a couple weeks or months and get rid of some/all of it. (Me, I both knew I didn't have room for more than a few things, and that I'd get apathetic and never get rid of what I kept, even if I never really did anything with it.)
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Originally Posted by G Grasshopper
If the OP is overwhelmed with "clearing out" in every part of his life, I would suggest a vacation from doing this. Plan a time away when you don't have to give away anything at all. Come back refreshed. Another possibility, if your work will allow it, is to request assignment to other tasks for a while. Your boss may understand that throwing away stuff constantly, in all parts of your life, is rough on you, and you need to at least not be doing that at work. At least for a while.
When we are grieving, it is easy to get obsessive about things. I think it distracts our minds away from the painful work of grieving. It is true that sometimes we have to do these tasks. I recommend thinking about how much cleaning out is really necessary NOW and how much can wait until you are feeling more relaxed about it.
This can depend on the person, too. Sometimes it's easier to just feel the pain, hack it all out, and be done with it. I'd probably find it harder to have to pick it up again after a break rather than just get it over with.
Being able to put it off also depends-- is it an apartment that has to be cleaned out in a short time period? Is it a house you need to clean out and get rid of ASAP because you can't afford to keep paying for it? Etc.
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Originally Posted by MarisaMay
I simply cannot cope with all the old photos. I cannot bear to throw all of them out. I thought of scanning them but who is going to look at them? At least our mothers' jewellery is now all given out to family members.
Honestly, every so often I go through our "family" picture box... it might only be every couple years, but I still like to look. (I did get rid of some pictures though, like cousins' kids who I barely know and don't really care about, etc. It doesn't really mean anything to me to look at them-- especially since sometimes I can't even remember who they are/whose kid they are-- and nobody will ever know I tossed them.)
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Originally Posted by athena53
The ones dealing with stuff: you have my sympathy. I feel a little guilty getting rid of some things but I remind myself that they've created all the happiness they were going to for me, they're not creating any more, so they go. I felt particularly bad about a bride doll I'd had in the 1950s- Mom had saved it all these years. I think I did treasure it back then, but now dolls look a little creepy to me and it reeks of the 1950s mindset that the epitome of your life is the day you marry a good husband. I put it out as Free Stuff on Craigslist. I hope someone else appreciates it.
I've felt bad about a lot of things (it doesn't help that I tend to be a really sentimental type). One was a figurine my mom gave me a really long time ago... never even had it out of the box except to look at it sometimes, though (partly to protect it). After she died, part of me felt "okay" to finally give it to the thrift store (also I was panicked because of moving to a smaller apartment and fitting everything, so I got ruthless even with getting rid of some of my stuff as I was getting rid of most of hers)... but part of me now regrets it. Just because I know of the very specific reason she got it for me (I did save the note she tucked into the box about it), and if she saw me get rid of it she would probably be sad. At the time I thought, "I'm just going to put the box on a closet shelf again and not get it out and why keep storing it" (I don't really have knickknacks sitting around for decoration; I just don't have the room for them because I don't really have shelves or anything) but I admit I regret it a bit now, along with some other things, like just hauling Rubbermaid bins of Christmas ornaments to the thrift store (I don't decorate for Christmas) and only remembering later that in there were probably some things either that I'd made or that we'd had for as long as I can remember (read: since I was a really little kid).
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Originally Posted by tamiznluv
I DID regret at one point throwing my parents' lives away and my childhood too but it all worked out for the best in my life.
That is what I had to keep telling myself, in the end. "Yes, you're sad you got rid of that. But you'd also be sad and stressed out if you'd kept it without really a place to put it and no use for it. And, you did what you had to do and there's no shame in that." Either way it was going to make me feel bad. And it's not like I did it because I was callous and didn't care about my mom or even the stuff, I simply did it because it needed to be done and there was really no good/better solution.
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Originally Posted by harry chickpea
One curious thing I found interesting and worth keeping was a photo inventory of the contents of the house where I was raised, with the only reason those photos ever have been taken being for insurance purposes. There is something to be said for revisiting old stomping grounds with everything "in situ."
Actually, that would be interesting. Now part of me wishes I'd taken photos/video of my mom's place before I cleaned it out, rather than after. Same with apartments I've had (I pretty much always take photos either before I move in or when I move out. I guess part of the reason I do it empty is because I'm so messy I figure I wouldn't want pictures of that, lol. And maybe partly that, well, I'm going to remember what my stuff looks like because I brought it with me, but it's the place I want to remember later. But there's something to stuff-in-place, you're right.)
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Originally Posted by athena53
I don't know if it's necessarily sad, other than all of the additional stuff going into landfills. My perspective is that the things that were dumped may have added to the quality of their lives but they're gone now and they've served their purpose.
That was another thing for me. I didn't have the time or mentality at the time, but after the cleaning out of my mom's place was finished, I felt pretty guilty for treating things that mattered to her like so much trash. Even if it was stuff that didn't mean anything to me (or that I didn't have time/storage space to feel sentimental about), it meant something to her. I mean, most of her stuff went to the thrift store, not the trash, but still, the way I had to ruthlessly throw it in boxes and haul out the boxes without much thought or ceremony felt the same way. A family member who was helping me kept saying "are you sure you want to get rid of this?" and I'd just say, "I don't have room to keep it." (There were a few things she took because she just couldn't stand to see them go.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by athena53
Another note on Free Stuff on Craigslist: I was very happy to see how much people would take.
People will take just about anything if it's free. I and people I know have found that out... put a price on something, even a low one, and no one wants it. Say it's free, and it's gone fast. (I had some specialized hobby equipment of my mom's that a friend on a website for that hobby was helping me try to find new homes for. Not much in the way of takers, until I finally got desperate enough to say I would just give it away because I simply needed it gone. It all went pretty quick... the friend was actually on the site trying to shame people into sending me a few bucks because we all knew what the stuff was worth. I know of someone else trying to clean out a storage unit who couldn't sell the stuff for love or money but people were happy to take it if it was free. In both cases, I'm not talking about complete junk that the owner mistakenly thinks is worth something, either.)
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Originally Posted by CraigCreek
Holiday decorations can be donated - see if the ornaments from Grandma's tree were made in Germany prior to WWII. If so, don't pitch 'em! Elementary schools might like non-religious child-safe holiday items to brighten up classrooms.
I see soooo much Christmas stuff at thrift stores that clearly nobody wants... it's part of the reason I refuse to buy Christmas decorations... I know they'll never see a second life.
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Originally Posted by chattyneighbor
Great idea. There is also freecycle.org which we prefer to craigslist as its more a community of locals but saves you lugging to goodwill.
I lug to Goodwill simply because Craigslist or Freecycle would mean that I would have to have strangers tromping to my place (or, hauling crap out to meet them somewhere "neutral"), finding a time to meet with these strangers, and depending on them not to be flaky and actually show up (and hope that if they're *not* going to show up, they at least let me know). IMO, just packing it up and handing it to the nice thrift store folks is much easier, less time-consuming, and less stressful, especially if I'm just giving it away anyway.
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Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
I agree that it depends on an individual's belief system.
Here's what I believe - that when a person passes to the next life, things that seemed incredibly important here in this life fall into a much larger perspective.
This very much. If my mom was there watching me get rid of stuff, she would've been offended. Then I would have pointed out to her: What am I going to do with all of it? I absolutely do not have room for it and you know it. And she would've seen my point. Sometimes it's not about respect; sometimes you simply need to be realistic about what you can do. A person with their own stuff can't reasonably be expected to take on all of someone else's, or things they have no hope of storage/maintaining/whatever. I'm sorry if someone unreasonable expects that I'm going to take on all of their stuff and thinks it's "disrespectful" when I can't-- literally cannot-- but in the end, a person can only do as much as they can.
I used to know a Catholic priest that would mention at least once a month that all of the things you think are important will end up in a dumpster when you die.
Why would you care if you throw out Mom's holiday table cloths? After all she threw out your baseball cards. It certainly didn't bother her. Think about the things your kids had that you threw out.
The things I kept from my parents probably have no monetary value. Their wedding invitation, grandmother's citizenship papers, Dad's DD214, and things like that.
I did make one mistake when I cleaned out my parents house. I should have hauled everything to the garage and made 2 signs. "Fill you trunk for $10" and "Fill up your pickup for $25." I probably would have made more, spent less time, and wouldn't have had to make so many trips to Goodwill.
My mother was a hoarder. When she passed we helps Dad clear out the house some. Donate donate donate. We donated over 2000 books to our local library. Boxes of wigs, hats and costumes to the local high school Thespian troupe. Some bricabrac to salvation army. There is still a lot left. Hundreds of pieces of jewelry from QVC, a huge wall rack filled with "collectable" plates with paintings on them. A collection of tea cups, a basement filled with odd bits of vintage and antique stuff, mostly glassware.
every now and then we try to help dad get rid of a bit more. He wants to sell ti on e-bay but does not realize how much work that is. the wanted to get rid of the plates on the wall, but then the wall would be bare. Depressing. Plus no one really wants collectible plates anymore.
We also had a garage sale. Between all the family members we put about 100 or more hours into it and made between $300 and $400. Most of that came from selling Moms collection of several hundred sewing patterns dating back to the 1920s for $150. It was not worth the work. Salvation army would not come pick up what was left at that time, so we called Purple Heart and they came with a truck and took everything.
I am the OP. I feel a little better now that we've finally come to the end of my Dad's belongings (except his vehicles which still have to be sold). It's a weird situation because he left our family 27 years ago and lived on his own (remaining married to my mom, so she gets his estate, so we have to make sure to throw out nothing that actually has value)... he had very little of value in the way of things... ALL his clothes, with the exception of one or two jackets, went to Goodwill... I'd say 90% of his things were obviously trash. Some of it was OK and we put it on the curb and it disappeared (things like older camping equipment, etc). I kept a very few cherished small items that I can actually use. A lot of his things had no emotional content for me because they were all from his life he was leading in the 27 years since he left our home. It's just the sheer weight of that, plus future things belonging to my mom and aunt...etc...
I am doing better.
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