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In this vein... I used to have mixed feelings about going to estate sales. I felt ghoulish, picking through the belongings of someone gone, almost like I was benefiting from their death.
Then I realized: their family needs to get rid of this stuff. Rather than feel like I'm a vulture, they may feel I'm helping them out. (It's the way I would feel-- pleeeeeeeeease take it!! lol) I don't feel bad about it anymore.
And sometimes, in a way, it almost feels like a tribute to the person. I didn't know them, but I get an idea of who they were and how they lived by what they left behind. And in some cases, I've thought, "Wow, I wish I had known them" because I could tell we probably would've gotten along, or at least bonded over similar interests.
However. This is only true IF you have the room to save the things, and IF you will go through them again in a couple weeks or months and get rid of some/all of it. (Me, I both knew I didn't have room for more than a few things, and that I'd get apathetic and never get rid of what I kept, even if I never really did anything with it.)
This can depend on the person, too. Sometimes it's easier to just feel the pain, hack it all out, and be done with it. I'd probably find it harder to have to pick it up again after a break rather than just get it over with.
Being able to put it off also depends-- is it an apartment that has to be cleaned out in a short time period? Is it a house you need to clean out and get rid of ASAP because you can't afford to keep paying for it? Etc.
Honestly, every so often I go through our "family" picture box... it might only be every couple years, but I still like to look. (I did get rid of some pictures though, like cousins' kids who I barely know and don't really care about, etc. It doesn't really mean anything to me to look at them-- especially since sometimes I can't even remember who they are/whose kid they are-- and nobody will ever know I tossed them.)
I've felt bad about a lot of things (it doesn't help that I tend to be a really sentimental type). One was a figurine my mom gave me a really long time ago... never even had it out of the box except to look at it sometimes, though (partly to protect it). After she died, part of me felt "okay" to finally give it to the thrift store (also I was panicked because of moving to a smaller apartment and fitting everything, so I got ruthless even with getting rid of some of my stuff as I was getting rid of most of hers)... but part of me now regrets it. Just because I know of the very specific reason she got it for me (I did save the note she tucked into the box about it), and if she saw me get rid of it she would probably be sad. At the time I thought, "I'm just going to put the box on a closet shelf again and not get it out and why keep storing it" (I don't really have knickknacks sitting around for decoration; I just don't have the room for them because I don't really have shelves or anything) but I admit I regret it a bit now, along with some other things, like just hauling Rubbermaid bins of Christmas ornaments to the thrift store (I don't decorate for Christmas) and only remembering later that in there were probably some things either that I'd made or that we'd had for as long as I can remember (read: since I was a really little kid).
That is what I had to keep telling myself, in the end. "Yes, you're sad you got rid of that. But you'd also be sad and stressed out if you'd kept it without really a place to put it and no use for it. And, you did what you had to do and there's no shame in that." Either way it was going to make me feel bad. And it's not like I did it because I was callous and didn't care about my mom or even the stuff, I simply did it because it needed to be done and there was really no good/better solution.
Actually, that would be interesting. Now part of me wishes I'd taken photos/video of my mom's place before I cleaned it out, rather than after. Same with apartments I've had (I pretty much always take photos either before I move in or when I move out. I guess part of the reason I do it empty is because I'm so messy I figure I wouldn't want pictures of that, lol. And maybe partly that, well, I'm going to remember what my stuff looks like because I brought it with me, but it's the place I want to remember later. But there's something to stuff-in-place, you're right.)
That was another thing for me. I didn't have the time or mentality at the time, but after the cleaning out of my mom's place was finished, I felt pretty guilty for treating things that mattered to her like so much trash. Even if it was stuff that didn't mean anything to me (or that I didn't have time/storage space to feel sentimental about), it meant something to her. I mean, most of her stuff went to the thrift store, not the trash, but still, the way I had to ruthlessly throw it in boxes and haul out the boxes without much thought or ceremony felt the same way. A family member who was helping me kept saying "are you sure you want to get rid of this?" and I'd just say, "I don't have room to keep it." (There were a few things she took because she just couldn't stand to see them go.)
People will take just about anything if it's free. I and people I know have found that out... put a price on something, even a low one, and no one wants it. Say it's free, and it's gone fast. (I had some specialized hobby equipment of my mom's that a friend on a website for that hobby was helping me try to find new homes for. Not much in the way of takers, until I finally got desperate enough to say I would just give it away because I simply needed it gone. It all went pretty quick... the friend was actually on the site trying to shame people into sending me a few bucks because we all knew what the stuff was worth. I know of someone else trying to clean out a storage unit who couldn't sell the stuff for love or money but people were happy to take it if it was free. In both cases, I'm not talking about complete junk that the owner mistakenly thinks is worth something, either.)
I see soooo much Christmas stuff at thrift stores that clearly nobody wants... it's part of the reason I refuse to buy Christmas decorations... I know they'll never see a second life.
I lug to Goodwill simply because Craigslist or Freecycle would mean that I would have to have strangers tromping to my place (or, hauling crap out to meet them somewhere "neutral"), finding a time to meet with these strangers, and depending on them not to be flaky and actually show up (and hope that if they're *not* going to show up, they at least let me know). IMO, just packing it up and handing it to the nice thrift store folks is much easier, less time-consuming, and less stressful, especially if I'm just giving it away anyway.
This very much. If my mom was there watching me get rid of stuff, she would've been offended. Then I would have pointed out to her: What am I going to do with all of it? I absolutely do not have room for it and you know it. And she would've seen my point. Sometimes it's not about respect; sometimes you simply need to be realistic about what you can do. A person with their own stuff can't reasonably be expected to take on all of someone else's, or things they have no hope of storage/maintaining/whatever. I'm sorry if someone unreasonable expects that I'm going to take on all of their stuff and thinks it's "disrespectful" when I can't-- literally cannot-- but in the end, a person can only do as much as they can.
There is far too much in this one post to address in detail.
The recurring theme seems to be an issue with history, specifically family history. Carrying tchotchkes forward through generations does not preserve real history. Fetish objects are just that. Immortality is not achieved because a cherished Star Trek dinner plate makes it through seven generations.
A real understanding of a deceased person, whether deceased three centuries ago or three weeks ago, comes from making the effort to know who they were, what was important to them, what made them tick, what made them unique. Hummel figurines are not a shortcut or substitute.
I am the OP. I feel a little better now that we've finally come to the end of my Dad's belongings (except his vehicles which still have to be sold). It's a weird situation because he left our family 27 years ago and lived on his own (remaining married to my mom, so she gets his estate, so we have to make sure to throw out nothing that actually has value)... he had very little of value in the way of things... ALL his clothes, with the exception of one or two jackets, went to Goodwill... I'd say 90% of his things were obviously trash. Some of it was OK and we put it on the curb and it disappeared (things like older camping equipment, etc). I kept a very few cherished small items that I can actually use. A lot of his things had no emotional content for me because they were all from his life he was leading in the 27 years since he left our home. It's just the sheer weight of that, plus future things belonging to my mom and aunt...etc...
I am doing better.
I am so glad to hear that you are processing through all this sadness and putting things into place. Thank you for the update!
It can really seem overwhelming when you're in the middle of it or facing it but one day you look in the rearview mirror and it's behind you. And you survived!
Congratulations, Jeromeville. Glad to hear you made it through this utterly intense time we survivors have to go through. Just remember, in all things, there are always people who know exactly what you are going through.
after the cleaning out of my mom's place was finished, I felt pretty guilty for treating things that mattered to her like so much trash. Even if it was stuff that didn't mean anything to me (or that I didn't have time/storage space to feel sentimental about), it meant something to her.
Actually, a good deal of the stuff your mom had compiled probably was no longer very meaningful to her, depending on what it was. We imagine that everything our parents had was something they cherished, but sometimes it was just something they wanted, bought, loved for a while, and then really didn't care all that much about. But it's hard for us because we probably never had the opportunity to ask them their current feelings about each and every thing that was in their closet...
I don't know if this helps, but when my parents passed away we had a huge estate sale. Then we filled a dumpster. My sister and I kept a number of items. But I have found as the years passed that some of the objects have lost their meaning to me. I have been selling some things on ebay to get rid of them. Keep what you want now, and then later if you discover you no longer want the item you can get rid of it. Grief takes some time.
Actually, a good deal of the stuff your mom had compiled probably was no longer very meaningful to her, depending on what it was.
I think that's a really good perspective. All of us have things we can't throw out because "It used to mean something to me" or "I paid a lot for it" or "It might be valuable someday" or "I might fit into it again"- or just out of inertia. In that sense, we're just doing something they should have done, but didn't.
Actually, a good deal of the stuff your mom had compiled probably was no longer very meaningful to her, depending on what it was. We imagine that everything our parents had was something they cherished, but sometimes it was just something they wanted, bought, loved for a while, and then really didn't care all that much about. But it's hard for us because we probably never had the opportunity to ask them their current feelings about each and every thing that was in their closet...
Oh, I knew how she felt about most of her stuff. It doesn't really matter... I doubt anyone wants to see things they owned, even if they weren't super-attached to them, treated like nothing or garbage or no more than a nuisance.
Oh, I knew how she felt about most of her stuff. It doesn't really matter... I doubt anyone wants to see things they owned, even if they weren't super-attached to them, treated like nothing or garbage or no more than a nuisance.
When I was getting rid of stuff I had several people tell me they are not going to bother. The kids can throw it out when they die.
The depression kids didn't keep all of that stuff because they were attached to it. They kept it in case they might need it in the future. In the case of a couple I bet one wanted to throw much of it out and the other wouldn't let them.
Sometimes one person's junk is treasure. Down the street lived an old retired engineer... He was in his 90's when he passed...
In the garage was a carefully packed away in original boxes and packing with receipt and wrapped Apple // computer Apple printer and accessories plus period advertising. Receipts were over $3,000.
His daughter and grand daughters said just like Dad to meticulous store things with all original packaging... they offered it to a neighbor kid who sold it for $800...the old man's kid thought it was just e-waste
When I was getting rid of stuff I had several people tell me they are not going to bother. The kids can throw it out when they die.
The depression kids didn't keep all of that stuff because they were attached to it. They kept it in case they might need it in the future. In the case of a couple I bet one wanted to throw much of it out and the other wouldn't let them.
That is those people. I don't know them. I do know my mother. (Who did have things she was attached to, yes. And was not a Depression kid, at any rate.)
Clearly plenty of people here are attached to at least certain possessions, or know people who are/were, considering that we're having the discussion at all about people who are/were worried about what would happen to their stuff after they died, were offended that family members would get rid of it, etc. If someone bothered to keep something-- even for practical reasons-- they clearly felt it had some value. That's why these same "depression kids" were often pushing things on family members. In some cases, they couldn't stand to see it go in the trash (for whatever reasons they had).
I'm not sure that an anecdote about people who simply may have been too lazy (or, attached) to clean their own stuff out and decided to leave it for someone else to take care of is proof that people don't care about what happens to it. It just means they know it's out of their hands (and culpability).
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