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My sister went through a horrible divorce and is still VERY ANGRY with him. He’s dead, almost 20 years, but she can’t let it go. And frankly, with her dementia, she goes on and on… and can’t let it go.
With other things you’ve said…she sounds like she’s all about herself. His death inconvenienced her and she is angry because now she can’t get anything else out of him. The gravy train is over. Even if he never caved and never gave her anything, in her mind, there was still a chance she could wheedle something. Now, that’s over…because she has NO hold over you.
I think you're right.
You should have heard and seen her as she was trying to get every bit out of me that she could. My attorney finally had to call her and just say, "Look, you do what you think you need to do but I know that will is valid and that man was in his right mind totally when he set it up." She finally shut up but good grief, she was trying to put me through the mill. I finally had to block her emails and phone calls.
DRA-MA. Non stop. I didn't need it and still don't need it and I'm sorry if she is suffering but she'll have to get comfort or closure or whatever from some other source.
I bolded the part of your post that really resonated with me.
That being said, I don't know that she's typical. Personally if I found out one of my exes had died, I would be sort of sad (the father of my kids). I would probably go around that day thinking about him and I'm sure I'd need to be there in some way for my kids, even though they aren't close to him. The other one - like Mister said, I wouldn't lose any sleep. That's the truth. I mean, I might be like "Oh, that's too bad," or something mild like that, but otherwise, meh.
Learning that he passed away really bums me out and I have been thinking about it all day. I am currently with my partner of 5 years now and I don't want to be too emotional around him because of this. I don't want him to think there is some kind of longing to be with him again because there really is not. It's just that the person, who had such an impact on me in my 20s is no longer alive. No longer shares the memory of me or us. I dont know if I should be feeling this glum about it, but I find myself feeling pretty terrible.
Tell your partner exactly this. We all have pasts, and those experiences shape our present and future. Your partner should know how you're feeling, and why.
I get why you're sad. Even if you don't love someone anymore, you can mourn their passing and regret that they're gone.
An ex of mine - who I didn't stay in touch with, but I knew where he was living and working - died last summer, on his birthday. He'd always been prone to bouts of depression, and he hated his birthday, so my first thought was Oh, damn, he harmed himself. But after exchanging emails with his sister, I found that he'd developed some pretty serious health issues that forced him to quit working and that his death was from natural causes. I'm still sad about his death, and I think of him on occasion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OptimusPrime69
Never wanted him to not be on this earth.... especially since it was suicide, makes me feel deep sadness for the state he was in.... and I had no idea.
That makes his death even more sad - such a waste. I'm sorry to hear it.
Should my ex wife leave this life before I do, I will not shed a single tear. And since that is about the nicest thing I can say about the woman who destroyed our home and family, I’ll leave it at that.
My ex passed away last night. I'm gutted, and my head and heart are fragmented into millions of pieces. He was my first love, and became my ex after 13 years together. Despite our failed relationship, we remained on civil terms, and I maintained ongoing contact after our divorce with his family. In fact, I was instrumental in communicating with his family and friends during this abrupt and untimely death.
I can't stop feeling the pain. I want to stop feeling the lump in my throat, the tightness in my chest, I want to stop holding my breath. There is so much resentment building at the injustices that came to light in the last few days.
What can one do to switch off the mind and be at ease, even if for just an hour or two? I don't partake in mind altering substances, the most hard core substance I use is coffee but clearly that's not going to work. If anyone knows of any kind of online grief meditation or I don't know what, please let me know.
When I was 58 I found out while making plans to go to my high school reunion that my first husband died at age 37. We had a son together and I always thought he would initiate contact once our son was a adult. He killed himself a day before our son’s 18th birthday. I was incredibly sad for awhile.
My ex passed away last night. I'm gutted, and my head and heart are fragmented into millions of pieces. He was my first love, and became my ex after 13 years together. Despite our failed relationship, we remained on civil terms, and I maintained ongoing contact after our divorce with his family. In fact, I was instrumental in communicating with his family and friends during this abrupt and untimely death.
I can't stop feeling the pain. I want to stop feeling the lump in my throat, the tightness in my chest, I want to stop holding my breath. There is so much resentment building at the injustices that came to light in the last few days.
What can one do to switch off the mind and be at ease, even if for just an hour or two? I don't partake in mind altering substances, the most hard core substance I use is coffee but clearly that's not going to work. If anyone knows of any kind of online grief meditation or I don't know what, please let me know.
Hello there. I haven't lost an ex but I have lost my husband. I can imagine, especially with my kids' dad (we were married for eleven years) that I would feel very sad.
When my husband died, I just bit the bullet and did some one on one grief counseling. I didn't find groups or online stuff to be helpful. But I found the in person, one on one therapy to be extremely helpful.
Regardless, one thing I can promise you is that you won't always feel this badly. Time really does take the edges off things, and in my experience within a few weeks (with my parents/grandparents and brother) or months (with my husband) I noticed that the good memories, of happy times together, began to outweigh the bad ones. At first though, I couldn't get some very negative images and happenings out of my head space - and it was even keeping me awake at night. I was so distraught.
With everyone else, I just let things take their course. With my husband, I ended up taking something to help me sleep for a few weeks, not for long though. It was a low dose of something or other and I didn't like taking it but I had to get some rest. I only took it for a few weeks and haven't taken it in many, many months now. I wear a FitBit to bed and it measures my sleep and my sleep quality has improved over the months.
One thing I heartily recommend is to allow yourself to feel things. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like screaming, scream. I found out something that was very, very hurtful about my dad several weeks after he died, and I felt like taking a little figurine that was his out into the garage and hitting it with a hammer and that's what I did. And it was in the same timeframe that I opened his briefcase and found a bunch of stuff in a first aid kit that he was carrying around - he had a platelet disorder and this was to prevent bleeding - but he had a stroke so it was all for nothing. For some reason, finding that little "safety packet" absolutely broke my heart and I fell to my knees in my house and sobbed and shook my fist in the air and did the whole "ugly crying" thing. It lasted, oh, abut five minutes. Neither emotional outburst lasted very long and then it was over and done with and I felt a lot better. Same with my husband - I have just allowed myself to cry when I feel like crying, laugh when I feel like laughing, be nostalgic, etc. and it's worked very well to keep those emotional lines open so to speak.
So I always really encourage people to do this.
I've also described several techniques that my grief counselor taught me that were VERY helpful for me to process grief and to feel safe. The first one is the universal method of self comforting. What you do is find a chair (preferably a rocking chair) that is very comfortable. Sit down and close your eyes, cross your arms, and pat your upper arms firmly. Concentrate on your breathing - slow breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth. Rock, breathe, pat your arms. What you are doing is hugging yourself as you rock and breathe with your eyes closed. The first few times I did this, all I could do was cry. Now I don't cry very often but if you feel like crying, let 'er rip.
The second thing really helps me sleep. I realized that I was sleeping in a very self protective position - curled up on my side with both hands clenched below my chin. I say I was sleeping but what I was doing a lot of was turning on one side, then the other, but always maintaining these clenched fists. And I'd start thinking about something STUPID (like vehicle insurance or something like that) and I could NOT get any significant rest. This was months after my husband died - and prior to that, I couldn't get images of him dying out of my head. Anyway, so my counselor told me, "Unclench your fists. Spread your legs out. Focus on breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly. Say to yourself I Am Safe, I Am Safe." Wow, this really works! She said to focus on breathing and count five deep breaths in and out but I don't think I have ever been able to count that many breaths since I started doing this!
None of my Ex's died that I know of either. I have had many before my husband but none of them lasted more than 1 or 2 years and few were less than a year. I would be shocked to here that they died but other than that it would not phase me. They weren't the greatest relationships either.
My ex passed away last night. I'm gutted, and my head and heart are fragmented into millions of pieces. He was my first love, and became my ex after 13 years together. Despite our failed relationship, we remained on civil terms, and I maintained ongoing contact after our divorce with his family. In fact, I was instrumental in communicating with his family and friends during this abrupt and untimely death.
I can't stop feeling the pain. I want to stop feeling the lump in my throat, the tightness in my chest, I want to stop holding my breath. There is so much resentment building at the injustices that came to light in the last few days.
What can one do to switch off the mind and be at ease, even if for just an hour or two? I don't partake in mind altering substances, the most hard core substance I use is coffee but clearly that's not going to work. If anyone knows of any kind of online grief meditation or I don't know what, please let me know.
One of the things that I did after I lost my husband, is I decided to learn how to make a biscuit. From scratch. Which frankly is utter lunacy. But it involved math, and experimentation, at the end of it there was a biscuit. For those couple of hours I was totally divorced from the fact that my husband had just suddenly died of a brain tumor that was supposed to take him in two years so, 21 months early.
That first Christmas I decided to make everybody pinecone ornaments. That involved cutting 2 1/4 inch square pieces of fabric then folding them then pinning them onto Styrofoam eggs. It was fiddly enough that I had to pay attention, but not so far mindful that I had to like really concentrate on them.
I ended up using silk greenery at the top with a pretty ribbon to hang them. They’re gorgeous. And I made about 14 of them to give away.
You might want to bake a loaf of bread, take a walk, if you’re like me the normal things that take your mind off of things and distract you are not going to work like reading a book, or listening to a podcast. At this point I can read a book, but the book has to be really good. If it’s just OK, I’m out. And that is strictly grief. I could read almost anything with no problem whatsoever before, I can’t right now.
What you were going through is very very normal. And you will get through this I promise you.
Regardless, one thing I can promise you is that you won't always feel this badly. Time really does take the edges off things, and in my experience within a few weeks (with my parents/grandparents and brother) or months (with my husband) I noticed that the good memories, of happy times together, began to outweigh the bad ones. At first though, I couldn't get some very negative images and happenings out of my head space - and it was even keeping me awake at night. I was so distraught.
.
It took me well over two years to get over my Grandmother's passing. Same with my stepfather. I joke with my mother (it won't be funny one day) that when she dies I'll just take the elevator to the psych floor in the hospital.
If my husband died IDK if I'd ever be right again honestly. FWIW I'm late 30s.
I think this is different for different people, but yes thank you I like your post.
It took me well over two years to get over my Grandmother's passing. Same with my stepfather. I joke with my mother (it won't be funny one day) that when she dies I'll just take the elevator to the psych floor in the hospital.
If my husband died IDK if I'd ever be right again honestly. FWIW I'm late 30s.
I think this is different for different people, but yes thank you I like your post.
I have to be honest with you, I think it really depends. I don’t think you can predict. I lost my father at 21 for many years after I would be fine most of the year then come the end of June through July his birthday was in August and mine was in August a few days later. We celebrated our birthdays together. That month and a half leading up to his birthday I would just become progressively more wrecked. And then on his birthday I’d wake up and the sun was shining and the mood had list lifted. And then on my birthday I was fine and excited because I was having a birthday. Which sounds now like sheer lunacy . But grief is a little crazy. And I’m not kidding he died in 1981, and this went on until about 1995. Which is when a coworker managed to steal almost $300,000 over a period of two years and when the powers that be figured it out she went home and killed her self and that happened around the time I used to go into my sad. And it was just gone.
Losing my mother was a different experience. She had cancer, went very quickly. I stuffed my feelings down and that caused its own problems. Six months of nightmares till I let my feelings out.
But when I lost my husband, I didn’t do any of that. My husband had a glioblastoma brain tumor. He was diagnosed in April and he died in June. He was having seizures and since the diagnosis he had not had one seizure and I felt really good that through this terminal disease that he would probably not have them until he was in late stages. Seizures don’t seem to physically affect the person who’s having them, I mean they physically affect the person who’s having them, but they don’t seem to have any memory— it’s like that’s gone and it didn’t exist. It’s extremely traumatic for the person who’s watching them.
Three months after diagnosis, he had a massive massive seizure and his heart stopped in the ambulance. And because we didn’t have a DNR set up because supposedly we had a few years, I had to be the one to tell them to stop the life-saving procedures. While I was in the room with him, they were doing CPR, and I looked at the monitor and the monitor stayed flatlined. Pretty clear indication that it’s time to stop this.
But here’s the thing. When he got the diagnosis he was more worried about me. And he had three wishes — that he not suffer, and that he not linger, and that he not spend all our money on this illness. I made the decision to be grateful. I was grateful that he didn’t suffer and linger. I didn’t really care about the money. I was grateful that we didn’t have this long arduous death journey. And I do think about the fact that six months after he died we were in a pandemic, and nine months after he died we were in lockdown. At that point he might’ve been in hospice and I would’ve never been able to see him. He would’ve been alone. Because there’s no way that I could take care of him he was a very large man and I couldn’t even lift. When he had a seizure, I couldn’t get him flipped over on his side so he wouldn’t aspirate anything he may vomit.
Did I get hysterical and sobbing and out of control? Couple times yes. But for the most part my eyes well up and then I’m fine. Because I’m grateful for the 40 years I had with him, and I’m grateful that he got his wish to go quickly and peacefully. And I’m grateful for the people that he brought into my life that have stuck by me through this. Because a lot of people leave.
I didn’t have good role models for widowhood, but I’m rocking it.
__________________ Solly says — Be nice!
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Solly says — Be nice!
