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Really appreciate your insights.
I had no idea of the the scope of the bureaucratic as well as emotional hurdles some adoptees are facing in their everyday life.
It seems that the void is always there even for happy adoptees with loving families.
Heartbreaking.
Agree with the father’s decision not to allow the official adoption of his daughters by ex step-mother.
They had their mother who unfortunately died. It was selfish of the stepmother to even ask and then insist on adoption. Why was she so uncouth?
It was as she was trying to erase the dead mother..
Perhaps this actually led to the break down of the trust and the OP’s commitment to marriage; hence mistress.
It should be the other way around - the OP’s daughters asking her to adopt them if they felt that she was truly doing an outstanding mother’s job while honoring their dead mother.
Thank you once again for your thoughtful post - showing us the other side of some adoptions (wouldn’t let me rep)
Here's the information for children born in Texas. UNLESS THE ADOPTIVE MOTHER INSISTS AND PAYS ALL COSTS, the birth certificate remains the same, and includes the biological mother's name. Sounds easy enough for the father to navigate and call the shots. I mean, that's how he operates anyway. https://www.dshs.texas.gov/vital-sta...tificate-based
Not sure what state the girls were born in but the OP has lived in Ohio and Texas.
My brother needed to wait till he was 18 (he was born in Korea but adopted in Virginia, or maybe it was in my parents' home of record, not sure - our dad was in the military) to find out his biological mother's name but my dad had it all along - he just wanted my brother to be an adult before he found out her name. (My brother never tried to connect with either of his bio parents and considered our parents to be his parents.) My grandson has no issue with wanting to know more about his biological parents in Korea but the information is there if he ever wants it.
My granddaughter was born in Texas. Her mother, my daughter, was never married to the bio father, and began dating my granddauther's adoptive dad, and then married him, after her birth. Her bio dad gave up his parental rights so that he didn't owe child support and my son in law formally adopted my granddaughter. Even so, I don't think the birth certificate was changed. Also, she has remained close to her biological grandmother and her bio dad's side of her family. She is also close to her adoptive dad and to his side of her family. The more people who love a child, the better in my opinion.
By the way, we don't know whether or not the daughters of the OP were for or against this proposed adoption. He doesn't discuss their feelings.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 07-17-2023 at 07:40 AM..
While I appreciate all the points made about adoption, this is a single person, intra-family adoption. In the OPs situation, this is not taking the child from their birth family and inserting them into an unfamiliar setting with unknown people and sealing the records on the birth mother. Nothing related to their birth mother's family will be lost if the stepmother adopts them, unless she is the "evil" stepmother and there is no indication that she is anything but loving and warm to her stepdaughters. They will always know their history.
Death, not adoption, has ripped these children from their birth mother. There is no reason why they would be ripped from her family regardless of adoption by their stepmother.
An intrafamily adoption will not deny these children their family history.
After experiencing a stepmother's adoption in our family, I remain in favor of these adoptions. The children were not harmed; they have no unanswered questions about their birth mother's family since they are part of the children's lives.
It really depends on the family members involved. In the OPs case, I'm very happy he didn't allow the adoption because he is a liar, unstable and unloving. It's good that his second wife left. The children continue to be at risk.
Last edited by Lillie767; 07-17-2023 at 07:54 AM..
.... I started as an adoptee advocate around 1999 right after coming online. Some of you are familiar with some of my posts here in the people search section where myself and other members reunited the adoptees with their bio family.
I'll admit, it wasn't always in the best interest of everyone because the adoptee had too much negative baggage due to the adoption, being ripped away from their truth, denied their right to have a copy of their birth certificate which they are the only people denied this basic right, their names were also changed, some dying, never knowing their birth name. Most have never regained their right to that birth certificate. Some can never get a passport either due to that amended adoption birth certificate not being legal for identification purposes like an original birth certificate was. There are also too many to count who are denied access to the DAR (Daughters of the American revolution) and their genetic Mayflower ties. Some are trying to have their biological father who was identified via Ancestry DNA added to their birth certificate but they're denied that right too, even when the biological father is standing next to them to be added to the birth certificate but are denied. A DNA paternity or maternity test is not as accurate as ancestry DNA which says a parent/child relationship, not that the person is 99.9999999999% chance they are the parent, insert mother/father here.
You guys are replying in the best interests of the step mother, you're too close to what she may be going through, this is not about her, it is what are the best interests of the child or children?
Adoption is never in the best interest of the child because their name is being changed. I can bring 9 out of 10 adoptees here to give an opinion that changing their birth certificate and name are not in their best interest.
Do you not understand that a birth certificate should be about one thing, the two people, a born genetic male and female who's sperm and egg who share biological DNA with the child they created.
It is 2023, maybe we need to change birth certificates to add lines for who [b]carried and birth the child along with the person deemed the 2nd parent who is not always a male these days which is stupid because two women, while they can raise a child, they can not both contribute one egg to said child, or at least not yet. I wouldn't be shocked if it could be done in a lab.
Anyway, in 2023 there are ways to give legal rights to the step mother without her having to alter their birth certificates to add her as "mother" when she did not birth these girls. Editing her as being the mother will not make her whole after not having the ability to have her own kids. This is what this is about. Making her feel like she birth these kids when she could not have ever done that. She should go get counseling if she has baggage about not being able to have her own kids.
I say yes, give her legal rights because yes, she deserves legal rights, even to be called some sort of "mother/mom name" such as mama fist name or whatever. A birth certificate should never be altered. Children should not also have to change their names.
Think about what is best for the child. Sorry but it is not editing the birth certificate, especially not in 2023 when legal rights do not need her name on the birth certificate. Adding her name to this "birth document" will not restore her fertility, ability to have a child.
Thanks for reading
*****
In the above paragraph about the "it was not always in the best interest of everyone as the adoptees had too much baggage" I also should have said that the bio mothers also carried too much baggage. Back then, single women were dirty if they birthed a child out of wedlock. They were counseled to feel ashamed that they had sex that produced a child before marriage. Their parents also made them give their child away no matter how much they wanted to keep them, being told they'd be thrown in the street with that child. No one counseled them about how much pain they'd be living with.
They were stripped of their identity to the child, forever terminating their rights to that child.
I stopped advocating for adoptees/bio parents to do missing and unidentified people with "Does" in 2009 and missing in 2011 when I met Cathy, the mother of Adopted Aundria Bowman who was missing from Michigan March 11, 1989. Her adoptive father reported her after she accused him of molesting her pretty much when he got out of prison for a sex crime. Michigan CPS failed Alexis (her birth name) horribly by making her go back. Apparently Dennis supposedly pushed her down the steps which broke her neck according to him. He then cut her body up, buried her at their home then dug her remains up to move her to their new house.
Some of you are familiar with Aundria's story before she was found buried under a concrete pad at her adoptive parents house in Feb 2020, confirmed to be her, March of 2020 when her DNA was matched with her mother Cathy. Dennis was eventually tried for her murder and charged so that if he ever gets out of prison for a woman he brutally raped in 1980 in Virginia that Michigan would never let him out. Wiki - Murder of Aundria Bowman
Cathy legally gave Alexis up for adoption in 1975 so even though it is due to her along with help from a friend Carl and I that Alexis's case grew in popularity when I started helping her on Alexis's facebook page. Cathy and I tirelessly spread her story online.
Sadly, when I met Cathy online, she could not remember details of the adoption due to her emotional scars, she had pushed the adoption so far in her brain that she did not remember details. She and I Facebook messaged multiple times per day in 2013 until I was able to help her remember everything which eventually all did come back, starting when she gave birth. It's a very tragic story. I only knew that Cathy planned to raise Alexis, was forced to give her up when she found her husband having sex in their house while Alexis was in her crib with a soaked diaper. She took a bug home to her mother in Virginia to find her mother at deaths door with breast cancer which was kept from Cathy at the time. BTW, Cathy was 17, so not legally an adult which played a part when her mother set up the adoption behind Cathy's back. It was ready when Cathy ran out of formula for Alexis, her mother said how will you afford to keep her?
So Cathy gave her up, not knowing Alexis was put in foster care where she was wrongly targeted with fetal alcohol syndrome which we didn't know until Brenda Bowman, the adoptive legal mother of Alexis, screamed to Cathy at a missing in Michigan missing persons event. Cathy never drank while pregnant. No clue why they targeted Alexis except her mother said something about liquor being consumed by the husband.
Anyway, long story short, Brenda supposedly physically and mentally abused Alexis too.
Alexis was eventually cremated after Dennis was charged. Her remains did not go to her biological mother Cathy, they went to Brenda who did give Cathy half of them. I had told Cathy to go to court since she was found to get custody of her remains but it never happened. Cathy did believe she was not entitled to them because she legally signed her rights away when she was a minor. Now her daughter who is forever a minor, can't speak. She was forever silenced. Cathy had been planning to get the adoption annulled but it was not happening as fast as it needed to be so her rights were never restored.
Cathy and Alexis's story will be a movie without my part being mentioned which I'm annoyed about. I'm a private person so have not made noise about it, at least not yet. If it wasn't for me helping Cathy on facebook her page never would have reached the amount of people it did, that is a fact. Dennis Bownman complained to police so much because Cathy posted about him killing Alexis, saying she was buried under that concrete pad which turned out right, they eventually took his DNA from a water bottle which is how he got nabbed in Virginia. He may never have complained about Cathy posting because she only had 20 likes when I started helping her in 2013. It's also why Brenda got off of facebook because we were following her online.
*My reply is not off topic if anyone thinks it is. The point is that an adoption which is what the step mother wanted, in the end removes/terminates the biological birth of the parents and child, a child is a minor who gets no say on whether their name and parentage gets removed. Even if the OP's kids consent right now, they are legally not adults who realize the consequences of the action of adoption. If anyone happens to die before the kids are adults, the birth certificate can never be restored fully as they can not voice their opinion/choices any more. If stepmother did adopt them, if the girls wanted to annul it when they're adults the step mother may be deceased or may not even consent to her removal with their bio mother restored.
*My reply is not off topic if anyone thinks it is. The point is that an adoption which is what the step mother wanted, in the end removes/terminates the biological birth of the parents and child, a child is a minor who gets no say on whether their name and parentage gets removed. Even if the OP's kids consent right now, they are legally not adults who realize the consequences of the action of adoption. If anyone happens to die before the kids are adults, the birth certificate can never be restored fully as they can not voice their opinion/choices any more. If stepmother did adopt them, if the girls wanted to annul it when they're adults the step mother may be deceased or may not even consent to her removal with their bio mother restored.
In the above paragraph about the "it was not always in the best interest of everyone as the adoptees had too much baggage" I also should have said that the bio mothers also carried too much baggage. Back then, single women were dirty if they birthed a child out of wedlock. They were counseled to feel ashamed that they had sex that produced a child before marriage. Their parents also made them give their child away no matter how much they wanted to keep them, being told they'd be thrown in the street with that child. No one counseled them about how much pain they'd be living with.
They were stripped of their identity to the child, forever terminating their rights to that child.
I stopped advocating for adoptees/bio parents to do missing and unidentified people with "Does" in 2009 and missing in 2011 when I met Cathy, the mother of Adopted Aundria Bowman who was missing from Michigan March 11, 1989. Her adoptive father reported her after she accused him of molesting her pretty much when he got out of prison for a sex crime. Michigan CPS failed Alexis (her birth name) horribly by making her go back. Apparently Dennis supposedly pushed her down the steps which broke her neck according to him. He then cut her body up, buried her at their home then dug her remains up to move her to their new house.
Some of you are familiar with Aundria's story before she was found buried under a concrete pad at her adoptive parents house in Feb 2020, confirmed to be her, March of 2020 when her DNA was matched with her mother Cathy. Dennis was eventually tried for her murder and charged so that if he ever gets out of prison for a woman he brutally raped in 1980 in Virginia that Michigan would never let him out. Wiki - Murder of Aundria Bowman
Cathy legally gave Alexis up for adoption in 1975 so even though it is due to her along with help from a friend Carl and I that Alexis's case grew in popularity when I started helping her on Alexis's facebook page. Cathy and I tirelessly spread her story online.
Sadly, when I met Cathy online, she could not remember details of the adoption due to her emotional scars, she had pushed the adoption so far in her brain that she did not remember details. She and I Facebook messaged multiple times per day in 2013 until I was able to help her remember everything which eventually all did come back, starting when she gave birth. It's a very tragic story. I only knew that Cathy planned to raise Alexis, was forced to give her up when she found her husband having sex in their house while Alexis was in her crib with a soaked diaper. She took a bug home to her mother in Virginia to find her mother at deaths door with breast cancer which was kept from Cathy at the time. BTW, Cathy was 17, so not legally an adult which played a part when her mother set up the adoption behind Cathy's back. It was ready when Cathy ran out of formula for Alexis, her mother said how will you afford to keep her?
So Cathy gave her up, not knowing Alexis was put in foster care where she was wrongly targeted with fetal alcohol syndrome which we didn't know until Brenda Bowman, the adoptive legal mother of Alexis, screamed to Cathy at a missing in Michigan missing persons event. Cathy never drank while pregnant. No clue why they targeted Alexis except her mother said something about liquor being consumed by the husband.
Anyway, long story short, Brenda supposedly physically and mentally abused Alexis too.
Alexis was eventually cremated after Dennis was charged. Her remains did not go to her biological mother Cathy, they went to Brenda who did give Cathy half of them. I had told Cathy to go to court since she was found to get custody of her remains but it never happened. Cathy did believe she was not entitled to them because she legally signed her rights away when she was a minor. Now her daughter who is forever a minor, can't speak. She was forever silenced. Cathy had been planning to get the adoption annulled but it was not happening as fast as it needed to be so her rights were never restored.
Cathy and Alexis's story will be a movie without my part being mentioned which I'm annoyed about. I'm a private person so have not made noise about it, at least not yet. If it wasn't for me helping Cathy on facebook her page never would have reached the amount of people it did, that is a fact. Dennis Bownman complained to police so much because Cathy posted about him killing Alexis, saying she was buried under that concrete pad which turned out right, they eventually took his DNA from a water bottle which is how he got nabbed in Virginia. He may never have complained about Cathy posting because she only had 20 likes when I started helping her in 2013. It's also why Brenda got off of facebook because we were following her online.
I don't think that the same as an intrafamily adoption.
It's a sad story, but hardly the usual scenario for an intrafamily adoption where the birth mother has died.
That's a sad story but it's not applicable to this particular case. In this case, the biological mother DIED. She is DEAD. The stepmother asked to adopt her husband's daughters. We don't know how the daughters felt about it because the OP has not discussed his daughters feelings. I already posted links concerning whether or not the bio mother's info would be automatically stricken from the birth certificates (no, not in either Texas or Ohio), so I won't post them again.
However, I am glad that the stepmother left this very toxic relationship and I feel very sorry for the daughters.
While I appreciate all the points made about adoption, this is a single person, intra-family adoption. In the OPs situation, this is not taking the child from their birth family and inserting them into an unfamiliar setting with unknown people and sealing the records on the birth mother. Nothing related to their birth mother's family will be lost if the stepmother adopts them, unless she is the "evil" stepmother and there is no indication that she is anything but loving and warm to her stepdaughters. They will always know their history.
Death, not adoption, has ripped these children from their birth mother. There is no reason why they would be ripped from her family regardless of adoption by their stepmother.
An intrafamily adoption will not deny these children their family history.
After experiencing a stepmother's adoption in our family, I remain in favor of these adoptions. The children were not harmed; they have no unanswered questions about their birth mother's family since they are part of the children's lives.
It really depends on the family members involved. In the OPs case, I'm very happy he didn't allow the adoption because he is a liar, unstable and unloving. It's good that his second wife left. The children continue to be at risk.
We really don't know why OP posted this story. He's either looking for validation or he's looking for advice as to how to continue I certainly hope that he listens to all of the people here about remaining in Texas because, you're correct, if he doesn't the children are at risk.
Last edited by pathrunner; 07-17-2023 at 09:04 AM..
Reason: typo - Opie is not a part of this scenario! :p
Sorry that it took this long to respond. The reasons for the estrangement from my mother were that:
She is a Devout Muslim Woman. After I had gotten married, I left Islam and switched to Catholicism. I never once practiced Islam from middle school and beyond. That wasn't my religion.
I married a woman outside of my race. I followed the footsteps of my stepfather (His first marriage was to a Caucasian woman.)
My mother was always sweet around her eldest granddaughter. She always wanted grandchildren.
Another reason for wanting to move is because I want to try and reestablish my relationship with my mother. I want my youngest two to meet her and have a relationship with her.
My mother is a college professor at a small college.
Working out is one of my hobbies other than taking care of the kids, job, and watching sports. After my wife's passing, I really limited social interactions with new people. That was a mistake on my part.
I'm adding on more piece of advice. It's a quick overview without getting in all the nasty details.
My Italian born in-laws, like so many immigrants, never adjusted to the USA. When my husband and I married, his parents expected us to behave like we were living in 1930's Italy. Their unrealistic expectations destroyed our relationship with them.
We tried to keep an even kneel so our kids could have a solid relationship with their grandparents. IT DIDN'T WORK! Yes, my children had a good relationship with their grandparents UNTIL my children were old enough to see the situation. My in-laws were cold to my husband & myself and my children saw it. It put the children into a position of choosing between their parents and grandparents.
And, unlike the OP, my husband and I were the same religion and my mother's grandparents came from Italy. Today, My FIL is dead and my MIL is 94 years old, She is still freaking angry at us. My husband has four very quick, very cold conversations with her each year. Our children have lost all contact with her except when I nag them to call her! It's very painful.
OP location will not change your dynamic with your mother! You will feel like the odd man out as your mother and daughters become close. Your daughters will see this tensions between your and your mother. It will put them in a difficult situation.
Could you and your daughters spend vacations with your mother? When they are independent enough to stay without you, perhaps they can spend summer vacations with your mother? It might be a good break for you! After a couple of years of vacations, you'll have a better idea about moving closer to your mother!
You might want to make a new life away from your deceased wife's family and not be burden by old memories. You might want strike out a new world for yourself. After your daughters are grown, you have that possibility in the future. It just takes patience to get there!
Last edited by YorktownGal; 07-17-2023 at 08:39 AM..
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