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I was on the caregiving forum for several weeks. My mom was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer at 75. Sadly, she passed away in two months' time. I was with her, at her side, from when she was diagnosed until just about the very end.
I can't really articulate/type the extent of my grief. We were very close. Her death has left this big, gaping hole in my heart and I feel such emptiness like I've never felt before. I just feel like I'm existing, just wandering in this strange universe.
I'm supposed to go back to work next week after being out for three months. I just don't know how I'm supposed to do my job, as I am not there mentally.
Today, I was trying to locate some old photos and I located a journal she kept over the years.
In it, she wrote how I was the "light of her life" and how transformative my birth was. And I just started crying reading that, because that was true mother's love. If there was anyone in this world who thought the world of me, it was my mother.
And I'm just so sad because just like that, cancer took her away from me. And now I just feel so alone, even if I'm not.
It's lucky that your job allowed you three months.
And you'll manage. Take it easy, and your co-workers will probably go easy on you.
How wonderful that you have her journal and that she wrote such loving things. Of course it will be hard, but just the act of going to work will put you out in the world again. And you know that even though your grief honors your mother, she would want you to try to slowly pull yourself together and go on.
riaelise
I’m sorry. I would give anything to have been able to say “I love you, Mommy. Goodbye.” She was 72, vibrant, semi-retired, and scheduled to drive home for a weekend visit. Yet she died unexpectedly one night in 2022.
The heartbreak was/is still shocking and unbelievable, but I’m learning how to live with it because there is no other option. Whatever you feel moment by moment is what you’re supposed to feel. I hope you’re able to take as much time for yourself as you need.
Prayers and best wishes to us all as we carry on.
ETA I just want to add that you will probably be surprised at how accommodating, supportive, and helpful your coworkers and management prove to be.
A sudden death comes with different issues than with a death where someone is expected to die. Also, someone dying after becoming a different person because of a stroke/dementia/brain injury/addiction (not terminal) presents its own challenges. No one gets easier grief, unless you really didn't love that person very much.
If you lost someone to death in a sudden fashion (not real sickness, etc.), it will be impossible to rationalize the death. If you're someone (like me) whose loved one became a different person after a stroke (not terminal), the death can be rationalized a little. Does it help me? A little tiny bit.
It's all hard...we just have to go with the flow in the "river of grief." Our ancestors for thousands of years experienced grief, and so must we.
If you lose your parents when they're 90, or 70, or 50....it won't really matter in the end, because everyone will lose their parents someday; it's just a matter of time (unless the children die first, which is even more tragic).
I'm having particularly hard few days. Hard to get through the days. I just do the best I can do. When things get to be too hard, I just slow down and sit in a quiet space.
A sudden death comes with different issues than with a death where someone is expected to die. Also, someone dying after becoming a different person because of a stroke/dementia/brain injury/addiction (not terminal) presents its own challenges. No one gets easier grief, unless you really didn't love that person very much.
If you lost someone to death in a sudden fashion (not real sickness, etc.), it will be impossible to rationalize the death. If you're someone (like me) whose loved one became a different person after a stroke (not terminal), the death can be rationalized a little. Does it help me? A little tiny bit.
It's all hard...we just have to go with the flow in the "river of grief." Our ancestors for thousands of years experienced grief, and so must we.
If you lose your parents when they're 90, or 70, or 50....it won't really matter in the end, because everyone will lose their parents someday; it's just a matter of time (unless the children die first, which is even more tragic).
I'm having particularly hard few days. Hard to get through the days. I just do the best I can do. When things get to be too hard, I just slow down and sit in a quiet space.
I thought I would be “ready” when this day came. Boy was I wrong! This is the deepest valley I’ve ever been in. I share your perspective. This is all normal and will pass. Praying that all of us will experience peace during our time of grieving…
I thought I would be “ready” when this day came. Boy was I wrong! This is the deepest valley I’ve ever been in. I share your perspective. This is all normal and will pass. Praying that all of us will experience peace during our time of grieving…
I agree, friend.
I sure hope so. My grief is just unbearable these past few days. I just miss her physical presence. I was used to her not being her anymore after the stroke. After 2 years, my dad and I got used to her being a different person. We just accepted it over time. Same with her death - I will just have to come to accept it over time. But it's going to take a long time.
I sure hope so. My grief is just unbearable these past few days. I just miss her physical presence. I was used to her not being her anymore after the stroke. After 2 years, my dad and I got used to her being a different person. We just accepted it over time. Same with her death - I will just have to come to accept it over time. But it's going to take a long time.
Dear friend,
Our mothers would not want us to stop living. We must go on somehow. I a
I am so sad today that I can barely walk or move.
I almost collapse to the floor when I get hit with thefeeling of terrible grief. I just accept them and stay with them. So, so painful. So, so hard. Like bricks falling on me.
I know I will not be like this forever, and neither will you. No one feeling is forever.
Our mothers would not want us to stop living. We must go on somehow. I a
I am so sad today that I can barely walk or move.
I almost collapse to the floor when I get hit with thefeeling of terrible grief. I just accept them and stay with them. So, so painful. So, so hard. Like bricks falling on me.
I know I will not be like this forever, and neither will you. No one feeling is forever.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You have been through A LOT. As others have said, be kind to yourself. You have been a wonderful daughter to your parents. Like you, I was the main caregiver for my mom along with my Dad. I tell myself that God gave us that job because He knew that we could handle it. But sometimes I feel as though I have PTSD from events over the last year. I know what you mean when you say you just miss your mom’s physical presence. I think about that tradeoff myself. My mom was unable to walk for about the last 5 months of her life. She could stand and take a few steps but that was all. I slept on the floor in the room next to my parents bed for the last two months she was alive. Sometimes she would wake up in the middle of the night and forget she could not walk. She was always at risk of falling - and she did twice. I had to call 911 on those occasions to safely get her up.
I would go for short walks during the day. Sometimes my phone would ring and it was my parents. My heart would race and I would panic that something had happened. This was daily living for several months. I know you have similar experiences and it will take time to heal from ALL the pain that has transpired over the last two years.
I ask why did this happen, but I feel ashamed for questioning God’s providence. My mom was diagnosed with leukemia, but there is no history of cancer in her family. How did this happen? Why did this happen? Could we have done anything differently? I don’t know. I don’t like to talk about it because it won’t change what has happened. I rest, and am comforted by knowing that God knows all things and His will is perfect. I believed to the end that she would recover, but alas there is a time to live and there is a time to die. We just have to accept that.
My mother had aplastic anemia (autoimmune blood disease) that led to her stroke (low platelets). My mother had to get blood and platelets every week for over two 2 years. She had a severe stroke a few months after being diagnosed. She recovered physically but emotionally she became very mentally ill. She was an insomniac, too, keeping us up at night most of the time. I won't go into any more details but my dad and I almost lost our minds. I was on edge every single day. My dad was my rock. Without him, I would not have been able to care for her.
Then my mother has 2 massive seizures at home and then goes to the hospital for 1 month and dies from sepsis. Unreal.
I am male, not female. lol.
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