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I've been thinking about posting here for several weeks now but feeling a little guilty because it will sound like not a big deal, almost silly, compared to what so many of you have gone through. The person I am grieving is still alive, but permanently gone from my life.
For perspective, I'm 54, and I had lost both parents, my father-in-law, my oldest sister (who was my "soulmate"), and two of my dearest friends by the time I turned 50. So I am no stranger to loss, but this is actually the worst emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life.
The person I've lost was my daughter's boyfriend. I loved this dear young man so much, and he was constantly at our house and involved in family events and dinners, which were much more enjoyable when he was there. We completely trusted him to treat our daughter well, which for parents is huge, and he never let us down. We hoped they would be married within the next couple of years and be part of our family forever. It was one of the happiest times of my life.
Then, they abruptly broke up. I don't need to go into details about that except to say that there was fault on both sides, but barring a miracle (and we know how rare miracles are), I don't expect that he will ever be in our lives again. What's more, my daughter has requested that we have no contact with him, not even to follow him on social media.
I am sadder than I would have thought possible. It's been over two months and I am not feeling better; nothing seems fun any more. My husband is tired of hearing about it and told me just to let it go. My daughter, of course, refuses to talk about it at all, and I can't keep boring my friends, who are starting to think I'm crazy, because who gets that upset about their child's ex? I have wondered myself why I am taking this so much harder than the actual deaths of family and friends, and can only presume that it's because he's NOT dead, but still out there, permanently inaccessible. And I can't stop thinking about the 0.001% chance that they will come together again--I can't seem to give it up and accept that this is final.
Am I the only one? How do you come to terms with the loss of someone who's still alive--stop thinking about them, wondering if they're okay and how they're doing, and if by some chance you will ever cross paths again?
A legitimate type of grief, sailbot. Worthy of exploration.
Maybe by just reminding yourselves everytime certain thoughts pop into your head that there is nothing you can do about it so it is just best to put it away. I had to do this once and it took a while to sink in and become a recognized truth, but it did eventually.
As an aside, I'm not sure it's fair for your daughter to dictate whether or not you reach out for some closure with this young man. A short communication of some sort to extend a compliment and well wishes in the future doesn't seem out of order, given the level of the prior relationship. And that may (privately) help you with closure. I don't see anything wrong with that, everyone involved is an adult after all.
Good luck.
Last edited by LilyMae521; 11-13-2023 at 04:46 AM..
A legitimate type of grief, sailbot. Worthy of exploration.
Maybe by just reminding yourselves everytime certain thoughts pop into your head that there is nothing you can do about it so it is just best to put it away. I had to do this once and it took a while to sink in and become a recognized truth, but it did eventually.
As an aside, I'm not sure it's fair for your daughter to dictate whether or not you reach out for some closure with this young man. A short communication of some sort to extend a compliment and well wishes in the future doesn't seem out of order, given the level of the prior relationship. And that may (privately) help you with closure. I don't see anything wrong with that, everyone involved is an adult after all.
Good luck.
Thank you, LilyMae. Being a spiritual person, I found it helped a bit when I told myself that if God had wanted him to stay in our lives, he'd still be here, and if God wants him back, he'll be back. Your suggestion to do something like that every time I have a wave of sadness is a good one; it may help me accept it and let go.
As for the closure, I couldn't agree with you more that it's unfair. I would love to give him a little note like that thanking him and wishing him well, That would definitely help me. I get that my daughter is still grieving (and angry) herself, and I don't want her to feel hurt and betrayed by my going behind her back. I struggle with thinking that since they have no contact anyway, she'd never even know, but I fear what would happen to our own relationship if she did find out.
Do NOT go behind your daughter's back and contact her ex. I feel for you in your feelings but you need to move on like your daughter appears to be doing. SHE is your main concern. I "get it", this is a big change in your life as well, but change is inevitable in life and we have to adapt. I hate change and did try to fight it at times but as a spiritual person as well, I have had to adapt to it myself. Best of luck to you and don't let this ruin your future days.
I'm so sorry that their relationship didn't work out. We love our children so much and I'm sure the thought of this great guy being there for your daughter gave you so much comfort and happiness.
But, he was your daughter's bf, not yours. You really can't contact him. If you run into him, that's one thing, but don't you make an effort to initiate the contact. And I'm sure it will be difficult not to compare her future companions with this "perfect" guy.
You've got to lean on the fact that God has a plan for her. Years from now you may be holding your grandchild from a new son in law and be thanking Jesus that they broke up so your daughter could marry this new guy.
Then, they abruptly broke up...What's more, my daughter has requested that we have no contact with him, not even to follow him on social media.
I went through something like this when our closest friends had a nasty divorce and the wife left him for another man in our friends group. I had no idea what she was doing, and I found out about it by someone sharing a screenshot of a text exchange between the two cheaters.
I called her and we talked about it, she admitted to the affair, and then we didn't speak much after that because she was busy moving out of her marital home, and the person she cheated with was not very well-liked in the group, so she basically walked away from all of us. I wasn't told not to contact her or anything, because we are all adults. But it happened around this time of year, right before we all would have been celebrating holidays and birthdays together, and the dynamic between all of us changed drastically. It cast a pall over everything for me, and I was also hurt by her actions, something she knew I wouldn't abide by, which is likely why she never told me.
At any rate, it's been about 3 years I think and we haven't spoken in quite some time. I felt the loss for a while but then I got over it. But, I had closure. I was able to talk to her and tell her good luck in her new life. I think you should talk to your daughter and tell her you'd like to contact him one last time, because he didn't hurt you, and you had a relationship with him, too. Hopefully she's mature enough to allow you that.
I see both sides. Of course, my loyalty is to my daughter, and I don't want to hurt her any more than she's already hurting. But I also feel that I had a relationship with her boyfriend, and that was cut off due to no fault of my own. Being able to say good-bye would make a big difference to me.
It's only been two months, so I can wait a little longer. Then, rather than approach her directly, I might ask my husband to gently broach the subject of whether it would be OK to allow Mom to write him a little note. That would probably be less difficult on everyone than if I brought it up. My husband was very fond of the boyfriend too, they had a lot in common, but he has had an easier time letting go.
I really appreciate everyone's comments and especially the point that there is someone better for her--and, I trust, someone better for him--and one day we will all be able to look back and say this breakup happened for the best. We just have to get there first, and that's hard, but lots of things in life are hard, and sad.
I also tell myself to look forward in faith to the day we are all together again in God's kingdom. And take it one day at a time right now.
I agree that you shouldn't contact him without your daughter being aware that you are doing so. That would be wrong. (In my earlier post, by "privately" I meant that if you did contact him and heard back and felt that closure had occurred, it would likely be something that you would hold close to your heart, ie "privately")
But I do think that it is mildly unfair for your daughter to request no contact.
Your plan in post #7 is a good one. Also, I think now that you have written about this and received some feedback, you will be able to put it aside more easily and follow through on your plan after more time has passed and things are less raw.
You also want to be sensitive that the other person may be uncomfortable if you contact him, he may feel that he's being put in an awkward position. And on the opposite extreme, sometimes the other person may want to vent to you and tell you things you don't want to know about your daughter, which may or may not be true.
I understand and resonate with the love you feel for someone that is now gone from your life through no fault of your own.
I might take it to a higher element and write a heartfelt letter to him in your journal that no one will ever see. If you are a spiritual person, you might realize you can talk to him yourself, out loud, and convey whatever messages you might like to speak to him (without involving him at all).
EFT could really help with this (tapping): "Even though my daughter and her boyfriend broke up and I love and miss him, I totally and completely love and accept myself" (tap on all points several times a day).
Cutting cords of attachment is also a thing. If you want to know how to do that, DM me.
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