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I started a new thread in Retirement called "Rent or Buy After Age 69". It's probably a done-to-death topic somewhere on here and maybe somebody will redirect me.
It's three weeks since my husband passed away. Although he was in a care home for almost two months prior, I still look around for him and think of things to tell him. It seems like he's somewhere in the house. I'm not feeling alone yet.
House is almost ready to put on the market. I had picked out another house to buy but thought maybe I should just let the dust settle, rent somewhere, and take my time.
Tough call. There are pros & cons for both. I keep thinking of a conversation I had with my brother I don't know how many years ago. He said something about selling his house and just rent. He wouldn't have to worry about any maintenance. Of course he is still living in his house. I don't think he will sell-actually, I don't think his wife will let him sell.
This was, is, my personal D for death day. It was quiet and slow. I spent some time planting tomatoes in pots. I watered the plants waiting for a permanent home. I ate leftovers.
I used to feel sad that I had to move from the house and yard that I loved. It was a great neighborhood, too. I no longer need good schools and absolutely couldn't take care of that labor intensive property.
This was, is, my personal D for death day. It was quiet and slow. I spent some time planting tomatoes in pots. I watered the plants waiting for a permanent home. I ate leftovers.
I used to feel sad that I had to move from the house and yard that I loved. It was a great neighborhood, too. I no longer need good schools and absolutely couldn't take care of that labor intensive property.
My son didn't want to be reminded.
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
The year anniversary will be this Friday. I will spend it making a potato salad, setting up the porch, etc. I will also light a candle. And cry.
I feel like I have made a few breakthroughs this week. I didn't cry on Monday so that is something. I also got rid of his...um...adult video collection. I was taking them down from the shelf in the closet and a bunch fell on my head. I think he might have been trying to tell me something.
I have been looking at his clothes and thinking that I think it might be time. There are a couple of items that I want to keep but maybe I am ready to deal with them. 3 of his kids will be here on Saturday. I'm gonna ask if they want any of his clothes and one of his dressers which belonged to either their grandmother or great-grandmother. I haven't even gone into either of his dressers yet. I had been thinking when I finally clean out the closet, what do I do with it? I already have my own closet that is enough for my clothes. And I like the fact that my closet-and dressing room is also the laundry room so I don't have to lug baskets around. The extra sheets & blankets are in the closet in the spare bedroom. I just don't know what to use it for. (My sister said if she was in the same situation I am in, she would clean out his closet right away because she wants his space.) His things are still around the house. His coat is still on the back of the rocking chair in the living room where he left it last year. His toothbrush is still in the holder in the bathroom. I know-baby steps.
For the past year, I felt that people gave me a pass because I was grieving-a grace period so to speak. Now that the year mark is coming up, I don't think I will still have that same pass, like when the tears come from out of the blue. I know I am going to have to get back into life sometime. I like to think that I am almost ready but not sure if I am there yet. And I don't want to force myself or pretend that I am. I want to be sure.
Yeah, I know I am long winded. (That is the writer in me.) If you have read all of this-thanks.
This was, is, my personal D for death day. It was quiet and slow. I spent some time planting tomatoes in pots. I watered the plants waiting for a permanent home. I ate leftovers.
I used to feel sad that I had to move from the house and yard that I loved. It was a great neighborhood, too. I no longer need good schools and absolutely couldn't take care of that labor intensive property.
My son didn't want to be reminded.
Just read this. Hope it was an OK day and that today was a better one.
The year anniversary will be this Friday. I will spend it making a potato salad, setting up the porch, etc. I will also light a candle. And cry.
I feel like I have made a few breakthroughs this week. I didn't cry on Monday so that is something. I also got rid of his...um...adult video collection. I was taking them down from the shelf in the closet and a bunch fell on my head. I think he might have been trying to tell me something.
I have been looking at his clothes and thinking that I think it might be time. There are a couple of items that I want to keep but maybe I am ready to deal with them. 3 of his kids will be here on Saturday. I'm gonna ask if they want any of his clothes and one of his dressers which belonged to either their grandmother or great-grandmother. I haven't even gone into either of his dressers yet. I had been thinking when I finally clean out the closet, what do I do with it? I already have my own closet that is enough for my clothes. And I like the fact that my closet-and dressing room is also the laundry room so I don't have to lug baskets around. The extra sheets & blankets are in the closet in the spare bedroom. I just don't know what to use it for. (My sister said if she was in the same situation I am in, she would clean out his closet right away because she wants his space.) His things are still around the house. His coat is still on the back of the rocking chair in the living room where he left it last year. His toothbrush is still in the holder in the bathroom. I know-baby steps.
For the past year, I felt that people gave me a pass because I was grieving-a grace period so to speak. Now that the year mark is coming up, I don't think I will still have that same pass, like when the tears come from out of the blue. I know I am going to have to get back into life sometime. I like to think that I am almost ready but not sure if I am there yet. And I don't want to force myself or pretend that I am. I want to be sure.
Yeah, I know I am long winded. (That is the writer in me.) If you have read all of this-thanks.
Cat
I read it all. Keep writing. That helped me a lot. Still does.
I had an odd day the other day when it felt like Frank was around. It was a pleasant feeling, the way it was so easy to be together when I was at the lake. It lasted all day long.
As you know, I think, I took a job for a while as I sort out in my brain what to do next. I thought of you, though, and knew the anniversary was near. I hope to remember to find some time to chat with you in another realm.
I read it all. Keep writing. That helped me a lot. Still does.
I had an odd day the other day when it felt like Frank was around. It was a pleasant feeling, the way it was so easy to be together when I was at the lake. It lasted all day long.
As you know, I think, I took a job for a while as I sort out in my brain what to do next. I thought of you, though, and knew the anniversary was near. I hope to remember to find some time to chat with you in another realm.
The other morning I was in bed and Hubby was there. We were just about to engage in some activity when 2 of my cats started fighting and woke me up! The dream was so vivid I know he was there. And yeah, I was very mad at the cats waking me up before...
It has now been a year and according to the calendar my period of mourning should be over but my heart says differently. I know I will mourn him for the rest of my life. I am spending this day preparing for a party tomorrow. Yeah, I know it sounds strange. This is a party we have had for almost every year we have been together. My town throws a big todo complete with a parade that goes past the house. As hard as it will be, I think I can handle the parade if people are here. So I am continuing with tradition.
I have gotten through a day or two without crying (once this week). I have been looking at his clothes thinking that maybe it is time to do something with them. I know I need to get back into life but I am not sure I am ready. I don't want to push myself. I want to be sure. I feel like I am getting ready to be ready-just not there yet.
A dear friend stopped by with flowers, cheese, crackers, & a bottle of wine. While she was here, I got a package. I thought it was something I ordered. It was flowers from my sister & niece.
I almost forgot to light a candle because of everything that was going on today. I just lit it. I hope it will be out by the time I am ready to go to bed.
Pictures are very hard for me. My sister and I don't like to look at pictures of my mother who died a year ago.
My mother's sisters posted pictures of my late mother all over Facebook to spite us. Very sad lot of people they are. I just cut them out of my life for good. I won't be bullied or harassed ever -- especially while grieving.
My Dad is appalled by the behavior of my mother's sisters and one brother. They are in their 60s and 70s. Hard to believe they would act so childishly.
When people die, relationships change. It is true that my relationship with my sister and Dad has not, but with my aunts and uncles, things are just not the same anymore. We dust our feet and move on, as they say.
The party this weekend was great. I gave the kids some of his paintings (the ones I can part with at this time). Unfortunately, no one took any food home with them so I have a full refrigerator. I know I have to transfer some of that to the freezer.
I had been thinking about the past year. I have not seen any of my sisters. The 2 closest (5 hours away) have to count on my brother-in-law to get them here and he has had surgery so driving 5 hours wasn't going to happen. The one who is 5 states away has a significant other who isn't doing very well so she has to stay close to home. But she & her daughter will be coming in July for a short visit if everything is ok. She may have to cancel. But she is trying. I know she is feeling guilty because no one has come.
Then there is the stepkids. One is on the other coast so it is not easy. But 3 of them live in state but still a couple hours away. After one of my granddughter's coming of age party at the end of June last year, this is how often I have seen them. 2 of them came down last summer with their kids-one for the day and the other just for dinner. They came and got me for Thanksgiving that we had at a restaurant. I offered to host but they didn't want to like I offered to host Christmas but it was the same thing. They didn't want it here without him. For Christmas a friend took me to my stepdaughter's house and even came to pick me up a few days later. And then 2 of the stepkids came down in January and we went to lunch. I stopped by my stepson's house with a friend after the eclipse for about 10 minutes. And then I saw the 3 of them this weekend. That was it. They did send me a gift package for my birthday and they have called and/or texted to see how I am doing.
Just to remind people, I don't drive.
So basically I have spent the last year alone. I think I have mentioned about my two friends who have been there for me but they have their own families. I don't know if it is better that I have been alone. But still, it would be nice to have family. I know they are grieving, too but they have people-kids, significant others, even their mother.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if I saw the stepkids less & less. I hope I am wrong.
Cat
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