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My grandfather died over 20 years ago and I still miss him. Heck, my dear dog died in my arms 3 years ago and I get weepy daily missing her so I cannot imagine the grief of losing my father.
first, let me just express my deep sympathy for you. i know how hard the pain of losing a father is. my dad died at the young age of 46 and i was only 20. that was almost 30 years ago and i still miss him terribly.
i still live my life imagining what my dad would have said, thought or done in different situations i go thru. i know if he had lived i would have a very different life. but, i know he's watching over me and he lets me know he's there in different ways.
someone told me something about a week after my dad died that really helped me thru the grief. they said if god takes them so young, and so good, there has got to be a better place. now i'm not religious, but that made me feel so much better.
so, although he is gone, it's only his physical form that's left. you hold within you all the memories, lessons and love you shared while he was here. call your mom. she needs you and probably needs someone to talk to that shares the same loss you have.
You have my deepest condolences. It is going to take you some time to adjust. But get over it? As the One said, never. My grandmother died 25 years ago next month I can remember every detail like it was yesterday. This first year is going to be the hardest. Let yourself grieve. Every holiday that comes up, you will feel his loss all over again. And his birthday.
This is the worst part so be prepared: you will forget he's gone. I know it seems impossible. But you will. Whenever something wonderful happens to you, or whenever something horrible happens and you want to tell him, you'll go to call him then you'll remember and grieve all over again.
As time goes on, it will get easier. Especially if you talk about him and share your memories of him. Don't stop talking about him as though he never existed. The more you keep him alive in your memories, the easier it will be but that comes after his death hits you and you finally accept that he's gone.
... call your mom. she needs you and probably needs someone to talk to that shares the same loss you have.
Good thoughts, but I wanted this repeated. It won't hurt her further if you call; it'll make you both feel better to talk about him. It might make you cry, but it'll be a good cry. Really, you both need it.
Grief is a somewhat commplicated and misunderstood emotion. Just remember you're not the only one experiencing this. Many parents die when kids are even younger. Hence, don't stuck in a stage 1-4 too long. Recognizing some of the following stages... may help you move on faster... Best wishes...
Stages of Grief...
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.
During this, the last stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
My mom passed away on November 29 and I still feel her lost. I was with her when she left this Earth and went to Heaven. Her cancer brought her terrible pain and seeing her suffer to the end has made it all the more terrible for me since she was a tough but honest person in life.
Oh wow. Everyone is different, but it will take a long time. I have a friend who lost her dad, she said the first year was really hard. Holidays, birthdays, everything had changed without him being there. Be patient with yourself; these painful emotions are what makes us human, and it's completely normal.
its really hard. death of a loved one is always hard. but it takes a different form when its someone you were particularly loyal, free, intimate, and happy with.
but we all process loss differently. it all takes time.
and physical effects of loss are common. the prime example of that is the old widow who soon after the death of their spouse follows them into "the light". they alwasy say "he died of a broken heart". sounds sappy. but i have seen it happen. couples who have lived together for decades and decades find it exceptionally hard.
my grief was only from a 10 yr relationship. the pain, and its effects were physical, mental, emotional, psychological. it was hard.
its still tough.
man i think i need to go be with the kids now. i need some brightness.
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Originally Posted by Public_Newsense
Interesting. I assume that's from experience? I can't imagine you could make that call for anyone but yourself. And I can't imagine the grief I felt for my brother and sister being worse than it was. I lost 12 pounds in the first week when my brother died. I didn't even know that was possible.
As I mention before, everyone goes through those stages.... at different rates. Nothing anyone say can make you feel better. In fact, I think the more we say sorry, the long you stay in the stage2.
My experience with death was of my mom that came when I was a pre-teen. Hence, mom was much younger than 68. Looking back, one thing that helped me most getting through it quickly is to think what my mom would want me to live my life. To be sad? unhappy? or live life to its fullest? She is dead and there is nothing I can do to bring her back, but I can do so much more about my life and family. I guess being a guy.... it was easy... I choose to be strong... and happy!
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It won't hurt her further if you call; it'll make you both feel better to talk about him. It might make you cry, but it'll be a good cry. Really, you both need it.
There is nothing to fear but FEAR itself.
