If Your SO Dies Or Gets Killed, How Long Would You Mourn?
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I would collapse, I would draw the shades, and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar pad or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great.
It takes time to mourn and when we lose someone, we need to mourn. There's a reason the mourning period is one year or more. Part of the mourning process is going through the year of events. Living each day of one year as the first without the person who died. Going through the first Christmas, Easter, Anniversary, Birthday, etc,etc, etc... without them. Bringing a replacement into the picture too soon cuts off the mourning process abruptly. You need to mourn before you can heal and you need to heal to go on to a healthy relationship.
Excellent observations!
I was widowed with two small children in my 30's. Was fortunate enough to find a support group geared toward younger widows/widowers. Our facilitator (who was a social worker, and widowed herself) warned us not to make any big decisions in the first year (e.g. financial decisions, selling the house, getting remarried) unless it was absolutely necessary. Most of us aren't thinking too clearly in the early stages of grief (this doesn't become apparent to us until later), and it's so easy to make a quick decision, only to regret it later.
The first year can be pretty tough, and as Ivory writes, we need to go through the holidays, birthdays, etc. of that first year without our loved one. For many people, the second year can be worse. This is when the shock wears off and reality sets in. I must say that I never truly realized what mourning was all about until it happened to me.
Well, my sister-in-law married another man 4 months after her husband (my husband's brother) died of leukemia. She was widowed w/ 3 young kids but it's really hard to be understanding of someone who gets back into the marriage game that quickly.
I wonder if your sister-in-law is the type of person who can't bear to be alone, or was experiencing financial problems after the loss of her husband. Maybe their marriage was a mess, and she and her late husband would have divorced had he not been ill.
Not trying to be judgemental, but...it's been my experience that the majority of people who remarry too soon after being widowed generally run into problems with their relationship that eventually leads to a divorce.
There is no timetable when it comes to mourning whether you are mourning a significant other, a parent, aunt, uncle or a pet. Everyone mourns at their own pace and you can't be pressured by peers or anyone else to either speed it up or slow it down. If you are talking about having lost someone yourself and feel that you have mourned all you can then get on with your life.
My second husband passed away at age 42 and I stayed by myself, didn't date for almost 7 years. This was by choice. No one dared interfere and tell me how long it should or shouldn't be..it is a VERY personal issue.
I wonder if your sister-in-law is the type of person who can't bear to be alone, or was experiencing financial problems after the loss of her husband. Maybe their marriage was a mess, and she and her late husband would have divorced had he not been ill.
Not trying to be judgemental, but...it's been my experience that the majority of people who remarry too soon after being widowed generally run into problems with their relationship that eventually leads to a divorce.
Yes, she's divorced now (big surprise, eh). I don't think she knew how to deal with being alone for any length of time and just caved at a more stable offer - being a working single mother was something that terrified her (she was a SAHM and her husband had always provided for her). Her MIL and FIL moved near their son and his wife (once he became ill) to help... they stayed after he died with the intention of helping her in any way that she needed. By all accounts there was no problems in their marriage - they were high school sweethearts and he was probably the only man in her life that ever really loved her. Her mother-in-law (the mother of the ill son) raised 5 kids as a single mother and worked her fingers to the bone to provide for her kids... so it's even harder for her to understand her DILs actions. He was a good man and a good father - he deserved better and her actions really hurt and bewildered his family at a very bad time. I guess it doesn't matter anymore - what's done is done. I just wish people (in general) would adhere to the unspoken rule of waiting at least a year to jump back into the dating game... especially if there's children involved.
I would mourn my husband for the rest of my life. I would collapse in a heap. I would be completely lost. It wouldn't shock me if I ended up having a heart attack and dying myself.
Gato, are you going through a mid-life crisis or something? (kidding!)
Two & a half years later, I still mourn my husband. Just in a completely different way than I did at the start. At the very beginning I was so
damn pissed off at him; that didn't leave room for much else. Then I spent all of the second year glorifying his memory; I was so sure I would
forget all the good things he was and the good things he did. Now I'm at a pretty good spot and have reached a fairly level middle ground. If it
took me twice this long or hardly any time at all; either route would have been just fine. You just gotta get through it, no matter how long it takes.
Ok, rehash to a lot of people here but here goes.
Married in 1995, 2 kids current ages about 10 and 12.
My wife got breast cancer back in 2003. Chemo, masectomy, radiation...hoped they'd got it all.
It was rediscovered spread throughout her bones Dec 2006. They gave her maybe 2 years.
<this started my grieving process>
Immediately in 2007 included 2 hip breaks plus numerous treatments, blood clots, you name it.
2008 she was rapidly deteriorating, it was in her liver, lining of her brain, spine, spinal cord...you name it. Her hearing was going, she was "hunched", she slept constantly and at her BEST since her hip breaks she could maybe walk 2-3 blocks.
She passed in April 2008.
With that said, I was 38 and I waited about 7 months before starting to date again and yeah...I probably wasn't 100% ready but I did find just dating until one relationship started getting deeper and also some fighting started to occur and I couldn't handle that much stress. (All told it was an EXCELLENT 3month relationship in terms of me getting back to a good place and helping me get a dating mindset back etc.)
I'd gone through a lot of stress, I hadn't had sex since 2007 and was frankly attention and affection starved.
So, yeah...there is that whole magic "1 year" stuff people say but the bottom line is that I don't have issues with my wife but rather the whole stress of transition to single parent and having been a care-giver for a few years and watching her suffer. Every situation is different.
So here it is...about 11 months after the fact and I'm doing pretty well. I've lost 40lbs and am very fit, my kids are doing well and my life is otherwise pretty dang good. I will probably start dating again in April. Frankly, I'm going to date more casually this time and NOT get in too deep too fast. I've never been a player, I never will be, but I intend to not focus in on one woman quite so fast.
P.S. I would URGE young couples to both have portable (meaning non-company) life insurance. It will make the survivors life A LOT easier not having to worry about residual medical, burial costs and allow them to transition to their new life more easily.
Ok, rehash to a lot of people here but here goes.
Married in 1995, 2 kids current ages about 10 and 12.
My wife got breast cancer back in 2003. Chemo, masectomy, radiation...hoped they'd got it all.
It was rediscovered spread throughout her bones Dec 2006. They gave her maybe 2 years.
<this started my grieving process>
Immediately in 2007 included 2 hip breaks plus numerous treatments, blood clots, you name it.
2008 she was rapidly deteriorating, it was in her liver, lining of her brain, spine, spinal cord...you name it. Her hearing was going, she was "hunched", she slept constantly and at her BEST since her hip breaks she could maybe walk 2-3 blocks.
She passed in April 2008.
With that said, I was 38 and I waited about 7 months before starting to date again and yeah...I probably wasn't 100% ready but I did find just dating until one relationship started getting deeper and also some fighting started to occur and I couldn't handle that much stress. (All told it was an EXCELLENT 3month relationship in terms of me getting back to a good place and helping me get a dating mindset back etc.)
I'd gone through a lot of stress, I hadn't had sex since 2007 and was frankly attention and affection starved.
So, yeah...there is that whole magic "1 year" stuff people say but the bottom line is that I don't have issues with my wife but rather the whole stress of transition to single parent and having been a care-giver for a few years and watching her suffer. Every situation is different.
So here it is...about 11 months after the fact and I'm doing pretty well. I've lost 40lbs and am very fit, my kids are doing well and my life is otherwise pretty dang good. I will probably start dating again in April. Frankly, I'm going to date more casually this time and NOT get in too deep too fast. I've never been a player, I never will be, but I intend to not focus in on one woman quite so fast.
P.S. I would URGE young couples to both have portable (meaning non-company) life insurance. It will make the survivors life A LOT easier not having to worry about residual medical, burial costs and allow them to transition to their new life more easily.
I read your story and I become ashamed of myself. The things that I worry about are really trival. I couldn't imagine going through something like that with Mrs. Chow.
Best of you luck to you and your kids.
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How Long would you Mourn
(kidding!)
I couldn't imagine going through something like that with Mrs. Chow.
