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I have taken care of my mom for years, got her a car, bought her a new home, paid her a salary for helping me with my kids, even made sure she had health insurance. I saw her every day and believe me we had words and argued but I was always there for her. My sister never called her for years, the last time was two years. Grandma has not talked to her kids more than twice in two years, and has never seen the great grandson and he lives an hour away and is now 2.
Now that mom is not well, the drama queen is here. She hasn't worked in two years and no longer has a vehicle so wince mom is in the hospital she has claimed stake to it, also got ahold of moms purse and I am sure she is feeding the car gas off of moms credit cards. So mom is in a coma and I took her to the hospital and stayed for the first day but I cannot go, physically and emotionally cannot go. I have given everyone my numbers and I am available 24/7 but I cannot go there. I do not know why, I am sure it has something to do with that person (my sister) there but I also do not want to see mom there in a coma and going south fast.
I have already deceided that if mom passes I will not go to the funeral, I will have a dignified ceramony with our close family friend and priest, but I am not sitting in a funeral home with that whole clan of drama queens, aka known as my sister and her three daughters crying over the loss of mom and putting on a ridiculous show.
Just to let you know how sincere my sister is, she did the same thing when my dad died, on the way home from the funeral breakfast she and her then hubby stopped and cleared out dads house of anything valuable.
Please do not think I am selfish or non carring but I just want to remember mom in my own way and not have any bad memories that my sister will certainly cause.
I am sorry about what you are going through. Do what you think is best for you at this time and grieve and remember your mother in the way that is best for you. We can't choose our relatives, and you don't have to add any stress to yourself by putting up with self-centered people simply because they have the same DNA.
I get why your siblings feel your sister is being selfish. You will all lose your mother and it's understandable that when a family member dies the others want to gather and touch base with one another. That's why I go to funerals, not to deal with my grief but to support my friends and family through theirs. It's not how I choose to grieve but out of love, I go to be with those who need me to be next to them while they grieve.
Cosign.
Whether or not I do my personal grieving at a funeral, I couldn't imagine not being there to emotionally support my siblings, nieces, nephews and other extended family. For me, it's about coming together as family and being there for one another during a time of loss and transition. But not everyone has that type of relationship with their families.
I am reading the posts and find myself in a similar situation. I have a grandfather thats just passed,the whole event has been horrific to see him ill and in pain before he died.
Due to circumstances beyond my control I am unable to attend his funeral, sad as it may seem I will not be in the country and traveling at that given time, something that I cannot change or negotiate around.
I personally feel bad but what can I do? I feel my grandfather knows how I feel and would understand completely. I guess I have to live with myself for not being there, not him.
Just my 2 cents.
At the very least, this is a woman who bore you in her womb for nine months, wiped your bottom, stayed up all night for you when you were sick, went to your dance recitals, drove you everywhere you wanted to go, made you breakfast, lunch, and dinner, laundered your clothes, organized your birthday parties, taught you to put on makeup, coached you in math, comforted you through breakups with your boyfriends, paid for your tuition, and generally sacrificed her time, money, sleep, and everything else to fulfill almost every whim of yours from the time you were born until the time you left home. All without reservation or even serious complaint.
Hate to be a bearer of bad news, but Mom will not be around to take attendance. Sounds like some sisters will be, and exactly how much inconvenience are they worth? Had I to do it over I would never have attended my mother's funeral.
I think it's very debatable. At one point, the sister wants to grieve in her own way, so the siblings should respect her choice. But at another, the siblings want her to come, so they could all grieve together and build the family bonds strong, while making their grief more tolerable as they are surrounded by loved ones for comfort.
I think the family should talk it out with the sister. Would the sister be willing to give up her grief ceremony to go to the funeral to support her siblings. Or does she want to do her own thing even though the siblings would like her to attend?
If the family bonds aren't strong by now it's really unlikely a funeral is going to build them.
I would be more upset with her not coming to visit her when she was seriously ill (if she didn't) than not coming to her funeral. She should at least spend some of your mom's last days with her. I think she would feel much better about not attending the funeral and your brothers and sisters would be more accepting of her decision. Funerals are horrible. Viewings even worse. Hopefully she at least spoke to your mom and she has your mother's blessing. If your mom thinks it is okay, then it really isn't anyone's business. I however would never have missed any of my immediate family member's funerals, especially my mom's and I would have been pissed if any of my siblings decided not to go, so I understand both sides of this. Your family needs each other at times like this and supporting each other is very important.
I hope I'm posting this in the right place. Our Mom has terminal brain cancer. She is in her final days now. We have a sister who lives across the country who is not planning on attending the funeral. My other siblings are extremely upset by this. The sister who is not attending told me that she wants to mourn in her own way and doesn't believe that she HAS to come to the funeral. I tend to agree with her. Does anyone here think she is being selfish or callous for not attending? I know there will be hurt feelings from my other siblings, but I do believe that it's a very personal decision.
Have anyone who is judging her offered to pay her way? She lives across the country - it's not as simple for her as taking a couple hours off work and driving across town.
When my grandmother passed away, I was told there was not going to be a service. But then two days later, my aunt changed her mind and it was set for the following day. There was NO WAY I could afford to go, much less make arrangements for the kids, travel plans, find a hotel, etc and get there on time - and I got several nasty messages from "family" regarding my non-attendance. *shrug* I love Grandma and she loved me - and my inability to attend a service where her dead body was didn't change those facts.
Here it is 2 years later and we're even 'broker'. My mom is going to pass away... could be in an hour, could be a year. I cannot go. Money is just that tight. I will have to stay here and mourn her my own way. Meanwhile, there will be those who take off work 2 hours early and drive 15 miles for the service, then criticize ME for not taking off 4-5 days, while spending thousands on plane tickets, hotel, rental cars, etc.
Again, my relationship with my mother isn't based on my ability to view her corpse.
Ah, family dynamics! Some families are just full of resentments, long-held grievances, jealousy, dominance battles (battles for control), even hatred wouldn't be too strong a word. This can really come to the fore at the time of a death in the family. Just ask any funeral director.
Love, has your Mom passed away by now? I'm so sorry to hear of her illness. Are you the only one of her siblings still talking to her now? I gather you guys did not have the "Leave it to Beaver" family. Not many of us do but still can understand your sister not wanting to go to the funeral if your mother was not the kind to be respected and loved.
I was still so resentful at my mother for making my teenagehood life a living hell that I made a big, bad mistake right off the bat at 17 years old and never recouped until I met my late husband almost 20 years ago, if, left to my own, I may not have gone to her funeral. I went to hold up my Dad. LOL, he went for me and to be respectful to the woman who had been married to him for 50 years. I'm glad I did go now. I have forgiven my mother for the pi$$ poor job she did at raising a teenager and would now be wracked with guilt if I hadn't've gone. I also did not live across the country either. My own daughter lives in Texas and I doubt very much she will come to my funeral when I die. No matter, I won't know it and there are no siblings or other family members to scrutinize her.
(((HUGS))) to you and your family. I hope things have turned out okay with all of you.
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