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I didn't go to my fathers (no fault of my own) and I won't be going to my mothers either.
Just as well I didn't get to my fathers, the carry-on with rellies appearing out of NO WHERE and helping themselves to his stuff would've made me so mad.
Funerals and weddings both bring out the worst in people IMO.
I don't even plan to HAVE a funeral when I die. There's no law saying you have to.
I didn't go to my fathers (no fault of my own) and I won't be going to my mothers either.
Just as well I didn't get to my fathers, the carry-on with rellies appearing out of NO WHERE and helping themselves to his stuff would've made me so mad.
Funerals and weddings both bring out the worst in people IMO.
I don't even plan to HAVE a funeral when I die. There's no law saying you have to.
I actually thought it WAS the law. Then when my hubby first got diagnosed, my bff who is the head of the health dept for our town, told me no, you don't have to do all these different things by law, they were just customs.
I just laid my hubby's cremains to rest yesterday. Just me, no one else. Since it has been almost 7 months, I went from having a full service to just me. My choice. It didn't cost me a penny even. The VA paid for it.
I almost didn't go to my Dad's. He died unexpectly Christmas day. I was in Tulsa, he died in Jersey. My sisters were making things very difficult, as we hadn't spoken in years. Going thru, taking everything....I couldn't get a flight, but finally decided I needed to go. My Dad was very good to me, so I drove 24 hours straight to get there. My sister and I still don't speak, and good riddance. She always has been a B****H.
I actually thought it WAS the law. Then when my hubby first got diagnosed, my bff who is the head of the health dept for our town, told me no, you don't have to do all these different things by law, they were just customs.
I just laid my hubby's cremains to rest yesterday. Just me, no one else. Since it has been almost 7 months, I went from having a full service to just me. My choice. It didn't cost me a penny even. The VA paid for it.
That sounds lovely and much more meaningful.
To me, death is part of life and I have a hard time "mourning". I'm like John Lennon who said "why should I fear death? It's just like getting out of one taxi, and into another".
I'm going to give the dregs to science and leave some money for a booze up, or a wake in the old fashioned term. Have a great time on me. The end.
I think it should be mentioned that a funeral is actually a rite or a sacrament in many religious groups throughout the world. The congregants are engaging in a solemn ritual to consecrate a person's soul and lay the body to rest (buried or cremated).
That has not really been brought up in this whole discussion. Funerals may be "for the family" but the bigger picture is that a funeral (in a church) is also a religious act on the behalf of the deceased, as well, and may include the sacrament of the altar (eucharist/communion) as well as a full liturgical service.
For folks who live a religious life, having their loved ones participate in that final religious rite (a funeral), can often be a very real expectation. Additionally, a funeral is a way that family and friends commemorate the end of life of someone who held a place of importance in their lives.
Some people will be thinking about the religious implications when a family member refuses to attend a funeral. Others, less religiously inclined, may not find it so important.
I think it should be mentioned that a funeral is actually a rite or a sacrament in many religious groups throughout the world. The congregants are engaging in a solemn ritual to consecrate a person's soul and lay the body to rest (buried or cremated).
That has not really been brought up in this whole discussion. Funerals may be "for the family" but the bigger picture is that a funeral (in a church) is also a religious act on the behalf of the deceased, as well, and may include the sacrament of the altar (eucharist/communion) as well as a full liturgical service.
For folks who live a religious life, having their loved ones participate in that final religious rite (a funeral), can often be a very real expectation. Additionally, a funeral is a way that family and friends commemorate the end of life of someone who held a place of importance in their lives.
Some people will be thinking about the religious implications when a family member refuses to attend a funeral. Others, less religiously inclined, may not find it so important.
As paradoxical as it may sound, I am not a religious person but I agree with your post. Let me try to explain. A ritual or a rite of passage can be important in a secular sense as well. Important milestones in life are, in pretty much all societies, marked by ceremonies of some sort - and I mean "ceremonies" in the broadest possible sense (for lack of a better word). Such things as the birth of a child, a marriage, graduation from various levels of education, retirement, and of course death, are important milestones, even if they are not all equally important. For me it seems that something important is missing if there is no service (or observance or whatever you want to call it). There is a wide range of possible observances: my understanding of the term "memorial service" is that the body is not present, whereas "funeral service" means it is (or that the cremains are), whether the casket is open or closed. I cannot even conceive of there having been no service or observance at the deaths of my parents.
Of course there may be exceptions which make sense. I was good friends with a family in which the mother (one generation older than I) died last - her husband and her siblings and many of her friends were gone. Her son, an only child, decided not to have a service. I know him well enough to ask about it, in a non-accusatory way, of course. His response was, "Well, hardly anyone would come". When I thought about it, he was right. I would have been there, plus her son, plus perhaps a nephew or two - not as meaningful, really.
I have been rather surprised by how many posters in this thread "just don't do funerals". I accept differences in attitude, so I am not attacking them. I am just trying to explain why I do not understand. I would think it bizarre if a child did not attend a parent's funeral, unless there is a question of serious illness, geography (half-way around the world), or some other force majeure. Or I also understood a cousin whose hatred of his father knew no bounds; he refused to attend his father's memorial service, saying he wanted to **** on his father's grave later. Well as it turned out there wasn't any grave as his father (my uncle) had been cremated. I never did learn what happened to the cremains, but I was glad I attended the memorial service to mark his passing and stand with his other children who did attend.
I think it should be mentioned that a funeral is actually a rite or a sacrament in many religious groups throughout the world. The congregants are engaging in a solemn ritual to consecrate a person's soul and lay the body to rest (buried or cremated).
That has not really been brought up in this whole discussion. Funerals may be "for the family" but the bigger picture is that a funeral (in a church) is also a religious act on the behalf of the deceased, as well, and may include the sacrament of the altar (eucharist/communion) as well as a full liturgical service.
For folks who live a religious life, having their loved ones participate in that final religious rite (a funeral), can often be a very real expectation. Additionally, a funeral is a way that family and friends commemorate the end of life of someone who held a place of importance in their lives.
Some people will be thinking about the religious implications when a family member refuses to attend a funeral. Others, less religiously inclined, may not find it so important.
Absolutely.
It should be the wishes of the deceased which are honoured, not those who are still alive and kicking.
This is why funerals can cause soooo many problems IMO.
I've got my will done and everything is ready and waiting. My kids won't have to decide a thing, because I've decided it for them.
I got it did in my 30s when I divorced my ex...killed two birds with one lawyer.
Every adult should have a will...it should be law. In my work I have dealt extensively with deceased estates and it can be an absolute nightmare unless the deceased had worked things out before hand.
In Australia, if you die intestate (no will) the Public Trustee steps in and basically TAKES THE MONEY.
It happens all the time, because people will insist on believing they aren't going to die.
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When my dh died suddenly and unexpectedly at age 59, I learned a few things. He was an attorney in a fairly small town for almost 30 years, so most people knew him. As soon as word got out that he died, I had half the town calling asking when his service would be. He and I had talked about our wishes as we planned retirement, and one thing he was adamant about was having no service, no obituary, nothing. I ended up having a service as so many people seemed to want to pay respects, but it was an informal gathering at the funeral home with lots of food and his favorite music, and I wrote his obituary. I was shocked when over 200 people showed up, and many flew in from out of state. Lesson learned: It is important for people to say goodbye, and for the family to see how appreciated their loved one was. For those who may not hear of someone's passing, an obituary in your local paper, and possibly the family's hometown paper let people know. I also notified his college alumni newsletter and his law school alumni newsletter. Again, amazed at how many cards from people he was still in contact with.
Lesson two. Have a will and make a list as to where your heirs can find your bank accounts, legal papers, everything they will need to settle your estate. My dh was an estate attorney yet, he had no updated will. Like the shoemaker's family who had no shoes, he did everyone else's will but his own. His will (that we could find, anyway) had been made 12 years earlier and didn't reflect many of the changes in children and finances during that time. It was a reciprocal will basically with a predeceased in common disaster clause. But, because he had his own business, it was a nightmare tracking down his business bank accounts, credit cards, client lists, and office bills. We had to wait until statements or bills arrived via email or snail mail to know where everything was. The estate is still not officially closed as there are some client issues still out there. Lesson learned: Make a list of all your bank accounts, credit cards (photocopy fronts and backs), birth and marriage certificates, real estate deeds, where they can be found, and any safe deposit boxes you have. Let your family know where the list is in case you die unexpectedly. I now have a Trust (wills alone are not sufficient in community property states), and have let oldest daughter and her dh know where all my important papers are, along with where all my financials can be found. I have also taken pictures of specific things I want specific people to have and attached the pics to a memorandum list stating who gets what, so there will be no in-fighting between the four kids when I die. I'm trying to make settling my affairs as simple and easy as possible for my heirs.
When my dh died suddenly and unexpectedly at age 59, I learned a few things. He was an attorney in a fairly small town for almost 30 years, so most people knew him. As soon as word got out that he died, I had half the town calling asking when his service would be. He and I had talked about our wishes as we planned retirement, and one thing he was adamant about was having no service, no obituary, nothing. I ended up having a service as so many people seemed to want to pay respects, but it was an informal gathering at the funeral home with lots of food and his favorite music, and I wrote his obituary. I was shocked when over 200 people showed up, and many flew in from out of state. Lesson learned: It is important for people to say goodbye, and for the family to see how appreciated their loved one was. For those who may not hear of someone's passing, an obituary in your local paper, and possibly the family's hometown paper let people know. I also notified his college alumni newsletter and his law school alumni newsletter. Again, amazed at how many cards from people he was still in contact with.
Lesson two. Have a will and make a list as to where your heirs can find your bank accounts, legal papers, everything they will need to settle your estate. My dh was an estate attorney yet, he had no updated will. Like the shoemaker's family who had no shoes, he did everyone else's will but his own. His will (that we could find, anyway) had been made 12 years earlier and didn't reflect many of the changes in children and finances during that time. It was a reciprocal will basically with a predeceased in common disaster clause. But, because he had his own business, it was a nightmare tracking down his business bank accounts, credit cards, client lists, and office bills. We had to wait until statements or bills arrived via email or snail mail to know where everything was. The estate is still not officially closed as there are some client issues still out there. Lesson learned: Make a list of all your bank accounts, credit cards (photocopy fronts and backs), birth and marriage certificates, real estate deeds, where they can be found, and any safe deposit boxes you have. Let your family know where the list is in case you die unexpectedly. I now have a Trust (wills alone are not sufficient in community property states), and have let oldest daughter and her dh know where all my important papers are, along with where all my financials can be found. I have also taken pictures of specific things I want specific people to have and attached the pics to a memorandum list stating who gets what, so there will be no in-fighting between the four kids when I die. I'm trying to make settling my affairs as simple and easy as possible for my heirs.
Great post and the part I set in bold print is especially important. Each of us only sees one part of a loved one's life---no matter how well we think we knew that person---but they touched others in ways we don't fully understand. At memorial services we often get to see a fuller view of a loved one's life and how they effected others...and that is very comforting to many of us. Also, if you don't have an obituary to notify people of the death of a person then you spend then next few years running into people who didn't hear the news and they will ask how so-and-so is doing, opening up wounds again. Better to let everyone begin the mourning process at the same time, at the same place.
She's not being disrespectful for not attending. She's entitled to grieve in her own way and shouldn't be treated as an outcast by your other family members.
Exactly. It is absolutely not one's business whether a relative attends a funeral or does not attend. I have known many people who did not attend the funeral of a parent. Some told me they didn't want to hysterically cry during the ceremony, some didn't want their last site of a loved one to be in a casket. Others had different reasons, all of then valid to the person making the decision.
However anyone mourns is a deeply personal decision and it's their decision alone to make. I can't imagine being "offended" if some family member doesn't attend a funeral. They have their reasons and I respect them.
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Then when my hubby first got diagnosed, my bff who is the head of the health dept for our town, told me no, you don't have to do all these different things by law, they were just customs. 
