Hello,
I am a birth mother to four children, and a stepmom to one. I want to start out by saying that I come from an Irish/Scottish family full of strong willed, no-nonsense women used to speaking their mind. I am in a hurting place right now, and it's hard to be that, so I am going to be forgiving of myself and I hope you don't see me as needing pity!
My first marriage was very lonely and emotionally abusive. I tended to be a caretaker when I was young, and slavishly gave everything I had to everyone in my life. But whenever I needed someone, even just for a chat, there was nobody around. I ignored that.. and happily enrolled my children in play groups, becoming involved in various causes throughout the years that didn't restrict my parenting time, so this was good enough for a while.
My first two children were a joy to me, but I was very young when I first married, so as I grew older and realized how unfair and unbalanced my marriage was, things changed. During my third pregnancy, I discovered my first husband's infidelities. I found letters where he called me horrible, horrible names and made fun of me to other women.
If I had a job, it was "for pocket money" and my "little job." When my second child turned 4, I wanted to prepare for the future, so I could begin a career when my children were all in school and I was home alone. My first husband initially said he would support my choice, but once I enrolled in classes, he began coming home later, "forgetting" my class nights so I had to miss them (three missed or late classes back then = failing the course).
I left college and took an office job which quickly proved that I could move up, earning a bonus every month without fail, and that is when it hit the fan. My 1st husband said I would never make more money than him, that I was a piece of garbage and nobody would want me. My income from work left me with exactly $15 per week to pay for gas and it never occurred to him that he was 1/2 responsible for child care expenses. To him, I was wasting our family's time because I belonged at home. Those were cold, cold years for me, but my children had the best of everything, which was important for me because I grew up poor.
Two years after this, our third and final child together was born. By 2 1/2 years old, it was obvious he was autistic. Sometimes I wonder if the stress and misery I went through might have had something to do with it.
I left my first husband at this point and went to my sister's house to get a grip on my life and start over. At my sister's house, things didn't go well. She wanted to control my checking account, because she said I was "too emotionally distraught" to handle my own finances (I told her no), then she began giving me negligees and telling me to "get back on the saddle" and date right away, also something I had no interest in. She began rifling through my things to take and throw away items she felt were un-Christian, so, this situation wasn't very good and I was desperate to find my own place. The last thing my sister did, was hack my internet contacts.. the internet was a new place in the early 90's, so I was very careful to protect my identity online. She took it upon herself to personally telephone everyone in my contacts list... the kids' pediatrician, my dentist, and some internet friends I played online games with off and on for several years. She told them all my intimate problems, about my kids.. everything. We got into a huge, huge fight that night. The next day, telephone calls started pouring in of people wanting to support me, some of them who never knew I was even female. Two days later, I got a phone call from a guy. It turned out to be someone that I was very close to online, but we didn't know each other outside of AOL. My sister convinced him that I wanted him in my state, more than 600 miles from his home where he was going through his own divorce, because I couldn't get an apartment without a male on the lease. That, at least, was true. He was 20 minutes from her house, with all his belongings, and his Dad was dropping him off. It's not very adult of me.. but that sparked the first fist fight of my adult life.
Long story short.. we did get an apartment together (both of us stuck and in agreement that my sister was certifiable), we both got our divorces, he won custody of his daughter (who was another traumatic mess.. and probably has a LOT to do with what eventually happened), and we got married. We have one son together.
This is a lot for a person to go through.. and a lot for my kids to go through. It isn't what I wanted for them. My older children never witnessed their dad and I fight, ever. We had a nice home, a few cars, and a family vacation every year. Every Christmas was magic. But now... we had a broken down apartment in an old factory town, they had to have clothing from Goodwill, no car, and pretty much no Christmas again for many years. The area was a bad place to land - there were no jobs. My new husband came east from Seattle, and had long hair, which is pretty much a death knell for job seeking in New England at the time. But I can cook, so every birthday was made special for the kids with the exception that I couldn't afford more than one or two gifts. My sons were appreciative, but the girls were not.
We went through a lot from the years 1998 through 2008 or so. In 2004, I took a job as an entry level manager for a major retailer. One by one, my children began to graduate from high school, beginning about 2007. My oldest, a daughter, took a job that lasted the summer of 2006 through my recommendation to one of our sister divisions, but she left the job because the manager was a horrid bully. After high school, she hid in her room, refused to even look for a job, slept all day, went on the internet every night until the sun came up, and brought food to her room rather than join us. She refused to talk to me. In middle school, she had a boyfriend she weote notes to - they never spent time together other than note-passing. For her 15th birthday, I told her to choose one close friend and we would go out to dinner to celebrate since all I had was a three seater truck at the time... she chose a different guy, unwilling, or too shy, to be honest with the note-passing boy and tell him it was off, so following this birthday, the boys got into a fist fight in the cafeteria over her. She wouldnt have anything to do with either of them because of it but refused to see her part in the issue. At one point in her high school years, it became apparent that she liked girls. She began dressing in men's clothing, all in black, and dyed her hair black. But she refused to "come out" about her preferences. We chose to leave her alone and give her space to be herself. As far as I am concerned, I only care that my kids are healthy and loved. If she is loved by someone... that's good enough. And anyway... it isn't my decision to make. We were okay about it, and we knew she had an "in a relationship" status with a girl from school on her social page, but if we even hinted at being open to talk she became hostile. I was very concerned because, although her website made the statement, she was acting "straight" in school, so the 1 and only talk I ever had with her on the subject was about being true to herself, to not worry so much about what others think, because they'll think what they want, anyway... to be happy... to be honest with herself at least. The only big issue I had with her was her penchant for lying or stretching the truth, because she didn't realize - or didn't care - how disrespectful and hurtful she was being of the people involved in her stories, including me. Her attitude towards me became more and more disrespectful. During the time she worked, we did a lot together.. we went to a rock concert, we went out to dinner often, and we found a lot to laugh about. She got along with my second husband very well, he has a laid back personality, loves to teach what he knows, and has a great sense of humor. But then she would throw a tantrum if I couldn't use a vacation day to take off from work and drive her to an anime convention an hour away. By this point, I had been promoted to assistant manager at one division and made a lateral move to another store division, working up to 70 hours a week.
In late 2007, our landlord decided our rent would no longer be "heat included" and began billing us $525 monthly for our 3 bedroom duplex. I suspect he was billing us for the entire building, at that price. It was in violation of our lease, but I couldn't afford a lawyer to fight it, and helplines just kept shifting me around with no answer... so we decided to move.
My daughter was, at this point, refusing to talk to us. Refusing to think about college, refusing to get a job or even look for one. She wouldn't clean up after herself or help around the house at all. She wouldn't discuss anything with me, slamming the door in my face. So, we gave her an ultimatum.
1. Go to college, and she can continue to live with us rent-free with our full support, we can put her on our insurance if she was a FT student, we'd cover clothing, food, and transportation.
2. Get a job, and pay us $50 per week and provide for herself as far as laundry, food, hygiene, etc.
3. Move out.
She flipped over the amount of rent we asked of her. She said it was way too much. We invited her to look at the market on studio's and apartments, find out how much utilities cost, internet, etc. But she refused to look or admit that it was a pretty good deal.
So she chose to move out on her 20th birthday (February 2008) to the house of some friends of my parents. She told all her friends that we threw her out in the cold and she had nowhere to go. The couple assured me that they'd get her motivated, everything would be fine. She moved away with them, and we found an apartment for $175 less than the duplex and also heat AND electric included. My daughter spent Christmas 2008 with us. That summer, my next oldest, a son, graduated from high school and she accompanied us to a rock concert that was my gift to him (along with a chef knife set for culinary school). That year, she went Christmas shopping for the people she lived with and made a point of buying us pretty much.. nothing, while finding extravagant gifts for her hosts. She was working at Dunkin Donuts. Again, she spent Christmas with us.
Now, a word about these people she lives with. He worked in a youth detention center, she was a nurse. They both were over 450 pounds each. She seemed kind of quiet, he was boisterous, loud, and "father-Christmas-y". My daughter began telling me how he made her uncomfortable with his jokes, which were often of a sexual nature. She was getting into the shower with either the wife or both of them to help them scrub areas they couldn't reach. She was paying them $75 weekly for rent, but sometimes she gave them her whole paycheck because they had health problems and both lost their jobs. She babysat their grandchild for free. They treated her like she was a little child, buying gifts for a much younger person, and taking her to the movies. They bought her a car, but she didn't use it for years because she was deathly afraid of driving. I hear she got her license this summer (she's 24 now). But she did call me and spitefully ask me if I was jealous of the car, because it was one I'd admired. I was completely bewildered.. WHY would I be jealous?? I was not at all. I just didn't understand.
I did buy her an old Buick when she turned 16 to learn to drive on, but when we went to register and inspect it, it turned out to have a broken frame and couldn't be repaired.. so I was out the money and she was out the car. We had it towed to a junk yard and she was very angry with me for that, but I told her if I had the money to repair that kind of damage, it would have been better spent on a newer, safer car! She never let me live that down.
The last Christmas we spent together, I bought her a gag scratch card that, when scratched, revealed a winning amount of $1 million dollars. The boys though this was hilarious when they got theirs, and wanted to buy more for their friends... because they took the time to look at the back to see how to redeem it and found the gag punchline. She didn't. When I tried to show her the back, she snatched her hand away and.. very hatefully... said: "Don't you think you're going to get one dime of this." In fact, I think that was the first time I realized something was very, very wrong, more wrong than simply someone a little young and self-centered.
My daughter was still in touch with my parents, but when my parents did historical events with this family and my daughter was there, they discovered that my daughter was "forbidden" to see or speak with her grandparents. When I called my daughter to talk to her (because she never called me or replied to any email or snail mail that family sent her), our calls were (unknown to me) always on speaker phone. It quickly became apparent that the woman of the house was manipulating every thing I said, questioning every thing I did, and withholding some mail and gifts I'd sent. My mother reported that she kept my daughter very, very close and directed every moment of her day, controlling who she could be friends with... and my daughter allowed it. By now, she was working and paying rent, cleaning their house, weeding in their garden, babysitting...
My birth day is 10 days before my daughter's, and one week before my youngest sister. So the last time I spoke with my daughter was about plans to go out to celebrate our birthdays together when she would turn 21. We began discussing more than a month in advance. She didn't want to drink or go to social gatherings. So, we planned to drive to Boston to the Aquarium during the day, browse Quincy Market for a late lunch, and then see a surprise show in the early evening, followed by dinner at Fire and Ice on Berkeley Street after the show. She had no idea what my surprise was.. but I'd gotten three tickets to the Blue Man Group, something she LOVED and had never seen. All the tickets were non-refundable, and I bought them in advance for all of us. A week before.. my sister said it was too cold to travel, and she didn't want to go far from home. So... I substituted a girl from work who was interested in going. The day before... my daughter said she had to work. I asked her to be honest with me, but she insisted she couldn't go. I knew something was wrong.
My daughter is known for being dishonest when she doesn't want to be honest with someone, even as a child, she would ask me to call and resolve disputes with her friends, etc. When I told her she had to learn to do this herself, she wouldn't do it, preferring to wait instead for her friend to approach her, and she'd say whatever her friend wanted her to without actually saying what it was that bothered her. She wouldn't stand up for herself.. which drove me nuts! She doesn't like voicing a different opinion and shies away from any conflict whatsoever. I don't know why she couldn't just say she made other plans, and the people she lived with told her (my mom told me this year) that she didn't have any obligation whatsoever to call me and cancel plans, or to apologize to me for the money I was out.
I was out hundreds of dollars. She didn't even acknowledge the gift or the loss of the money for the tickets... anything. So my husband accompanied myself and my co-worker and we enjoyed the day. I called her at work from the car on our way to Boston to wish her a happy birthday.. and her boss said she had the day off.
When I called to ask her about it, she swore at me and told me to F off.
In 2010, I learned that she went to court and had her last name changed to theirs. By this point, I tried to tell myself that I had to write her off and live my life, but it hurt so much.
She told my parents she did it to spite my ex-husband, her father, because when we were both in town near her job for a court hearing the month after her 21st birthday, I took everyone out for lunch (at my expense) and he apparently spent too much time talking to me and not her, so she felt snubbed. I recall that lunch very differently! We all talked, caught up with each other, and my daughter spent her time deep in chat with my next-oldest, her younger brother by 2 years, virtually ignoring us! So I was left to fill in the gap with my ex.
The recession hit hard up north... and I responded by enrolling in college spring of 2008 as a full time student, in addition to my full time job in retail. I was promoted to Store Manager summer of 2010, and I graduated summer 2011 with an A.S. in Business Management. I immediately enrolled in a BA program, and over the course of the year I won awards consistently.
By summer of 2011, my mother in law in PA became very ill, with a tumor on her pancreas. She went into the hospital in July after fainting because the tumor cut off her food digestion. We feared the worst for her, and worried because my father in law had had many strokes, the last one only 6 months prior to her collapse. They had no children living nearby to help. So.. we moved south to look for a home Fall 2011 and bought a beautiful house in southern NY this spring. She made a miraculous recovery in time for release Christmas Eve, but it's been a long road for her to fully function again.
When we moved south, my mother called to tell me that my daughter was reminiscing about time with me, laughing about good times, and then telling me that my daughter missed me, and I should see if she wanted to come with us when we moved. So I emailed her around Halloween and told her about the move, that we'd found good jobs and her brother's employer was looking for more workers that pay twice what she was making now.. and her reply was:
ARE YOU HIGH? F*CK OFF, LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.
So that's it. Every so often I see a snippet of her in photographs at my parent's historical events, but that's it. We haven't spoken on the phone since Feb. 2009.
And now, my son tells me that she has enlisted in the Marines. My mother knows, my stepdaughter knows.. and nobody but my son told ME. My parents knew about her name change months and months before I did. I only found out because she was listed on a Social Security notification for my autistic son with the name, and when I called my mom, she confirmed it.
I feel betrayed by my own family, that honors her wish that I not be included in anything, but they regularly discuss me and my life with her.
Now.. my stepdaughter had a hard life. She got a raw deal from her mom, and when she came to live with us at 8 years old, I welcomed her like a new daughter. I love her... but at the same time, there are reasons I can't trust her completely. I would do anything for her, but she can't be here in our house. Nor does she want to be, she lives in Philly with friends. However... she calls me and sends me letters that I was and am the only real mother she knows, that she appreciates how hard I worked for all of them, how I always knew the truth when other people fell for her lies, that she remembered my discipline (especially writing assignments) affectionately, how gentle I was, how fierce I fought for my kids.. how I was always there for her at her darkest hour. How much she loves me. How she can't understand..... how my own 'real' daughter could always say such hateful things about me, and that her step-sister didn't realize what she had. Her letters made me cry.
This summer, I became ill. After all was said and done, I saw an oncologist who told me I had Hodgekin's Lymphoma. For a few weeks, I really thought I wasn't going to make it, I was so tired and sick, my abdomen was so swollen... but the tests came back cancer free in my nodes. I lost my job because the doctor visits were so frequent and the insurance so costly. It didn't occur to me to reach out to my daughter during this... I worried about losing the new house, helping my boys settle into new schools, getting the youngest into Boy Scouts, etc.
My autistic son (Asberger's, it turns out) is gifted, and in his final year in high school. He plans to go on to college to be a marine biologist. My youngest is in 8th grade, very intelligent, very honest, and often comes to talk to one or both of us when he needs us. Our home is quiet and comfortable.
I didn't feel like I miss her so much. Mostly, since the rift began, I've been bewildered, confused, and a little angry with her.
But now, she's signed papers to go into the Marines. My daughter, who doesn't tell you what she's really thinking. Who was never, ever, very physical, who has pre-diabetes and hormonal deficiencies that affect her heart (for which she stopped taking medication once she left home). Someone who reads avidly and loves to write fantasy stories.... a Marine? I can't even imagine it. And then I thought about all the women stepping forward to talk about rape.. and gang rape.. that goes on, estimating 1 in 4 women in the military have experienced this... and my heart just broke again. I can't talk to her, I can't see her go. I won't know if she's deployed... I won't be the one she calls when things are tough in boot camp as I recall my siblings calling my mom.
So that's how I came to look for, and find, this site.
My hope for her is that the military gives her better life skills to be an adult, to stand up for herself, to be independent, to take personal responsibility. I am actually proud she took this step. I hope she makes lasting friends that allow her to be her true self, that won't control her. I hope she will travel and expand her mind. I hope she will decide she's smart enough and strong enough to pursue the career that will make her happy, not simply make her money.
My fear for her is that she will be hurt. That she could be lost, or die. That she will never comes to terms with whatever it is she hates me for.. and I will never hug her again before it's too late.
What the hell.
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Parents Whose Adult Children Refuse to Speak to Them
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