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Hotzcatz wrote: Obviously Hawaii isn't "home" for you
Of course one person can have a home in two places! My roots run deep in the city where I grew up, the city on the mainland. When I'm on Maui, I call that city "back home." When I'm in that city, like I was for Thanksgiving 2009, I call Maui "back home."
Saying you can have only one home is like saying you can have only one best friend, or only one family, or only one spouse... meaning... My husband and I are best friends. If I died tomorrow, and he remarried, I would expect him to move on. He would honor my memory, and everything we had together. He would also honor his current wife. He would have two wives he loved very much. Of course it's possible!
Dear kmcd:
I can relate to what you write. People who don't live here just don't get it.
And, MEN don't get it in the same way women do. A man finds ALOT of his self-worth, his identity, and his value in his job. If he's got a job in Hawai'i that he likes, he's satisfied. A woman finds her self-worth in building relationships with other people, finds her identity in raising her family, finds her value in having wonderful friends. We're hard-wired to build relationships, that's what we do. When a woman has a strong family, friends, community, then she's at peace. Guys often just don't get that about women.
Thanks Lisa. I really appreciate what you wrote.
Yesterday, I did a lot of thinking about what has been said here. As a military family, the concept of 'home' is both a blessing and a curse. I feel blessed to know that I can make a home anywhere, be received and welcomed into any military community, and have fond memories and connections all over the world. And in any of those places, I can always go back, and feel right at home.
But it's a curse too, in that it will be a long time before we can truly settle, put down roots, and make a new place our 'permanent' home.
Like you, I call more than one place home, relative to where I'm standing at the moment. And the interesting thing to me is that I have NO blood relatives left at the place I traditionally call home. Everyone has moved on. But it's where I grew up, it's where I still have friends that I consider family, and it's the place that shaped who I am today. Even though there is no brick and mortar home there for me anymore, it's still the place I hold dear in my heart. That doesn't mean Hawaii isn't my home right now. I have friends that I consider family here too. And of course my husband, who even has blood family on the Big Island. But Hawaii is only one of our homes, and just happens to be the present one.
Traveling the world, making friends and family everywhere we go, but never losing sight of who we are and where we come from - that changes the definition of home I guess, into a much looser and broader term, one that incorporates a LOT of love and diversity. And I feel very lucky to live this life in such a way that helps me see and understand that.
Dear Kmcd:
Ever since I took my first biology class in high school, all these scientists teach about "fight or flight." And I just took it for granted that it's how everyone was. About five years ago I read ("red") that... all those studies... they only looked at men. This fight or flight thing is a MALE response to stress.
When men get stressed, they want to either fight what's in front of them, or run and escape. That's normal and natural for them. NOT WOMEN! When women get stressed, we gather and comfort. (Yes, it WAS a woman who changed the paradigm and came up with the gather and comfort idea.) The older I get, the more I believe it... we're hard-wired that way. When women get stressed, we seek out our children, our family, our friends, our loved ones, we gather them close to us, and we turn to them for comfort. We seek out emotional & physical security & safety. It's in our genes.
(And yes, I do look at a group of people and generalize. I'm not saying every person in that group acts exactly the same way. I am saying that I'm okay with generalizing... because usually, there's truth underneath it.)
Kmcd wrote: it's where I grew up, it's where I still have friends that I consider family, and it's the place that shaped who I am today. Even though there is no brick and mortar home there for me anymore, it's still the place I hold dear in my heart
Ma'am! Yes ma'am! You got it! And please... don't let anyone should on you... You should have only one home. You should let go of those memories. You should be happy where you are now. You should have only one home. You shouldn't be sad. You should already be done mourning. If you don't see Hawai'i as your home, you should leave.
Instead... please, listen to the voice inside your heart; find the clarity inside yourself. Please, hold those places, times and memories dear in your heart. It's part of you.
Kmcd wrote: Traveling the world, making friends and family everywhere we go, but never losing sight of who we are and where we come from - that changes the definition of home I guess, into a much looser and broader term, one that incorporates a LOT of love and diversity.
You got it! And that's the difference! (1) I lived in my home city - over one million people - lived there for over 30 years. I didn't understand your words until I moved here. (2) I know people who have lived in different states, but never really put down roots. No matter where they were, they work 60-70 hours a week. They had fun on their days off, but never really took time to form community, friendships, deep bonds with people and/or the culture. Those people wouldn't understand your words. The only people who will truly understand what you're going through... are the ones who have been there, done that.
And I feel very lucky to live this life in such a way that helps me see and understand that.
Me too. Now, after a year, I finally get it. I'm glad I've been given that gift... to see the same thing you've seen, to experience the same thing you've experienced.
Dear Kmcd:
(And yes, I do look at a group of people and generalize. I'm not saying every person in that group acts exactly the same way. I am saying that I'm okay with generalizing... because usually, there's truth underneath it.)
Yeah, stereotypes are real time savers!
Let's start on the racist claptrap now, shall we? I mean, I know it's generalizing. But there's truth underneath so it's OK.
Dear UH prof:
Please, stay on topic! I was talking about the STRESS RESPONSE. I was not talking about racist claptrap... whatever that means. I was talking about the STRESS response. The difference in how men and women handle stress. Generally, it's different. The stress response! Please, stay on topic.
Seriously, dude...chill out. We get it...you're different.
Seriously, dude, the point is not that I'm different. The point is that Lisa's frequent posts about how the womenz are so very different from the menz... how their job is to take care of the husbands and lose weight, and so on... are (a) sexist, (b) not at all helpful to women (or men), and (c) just plain wrong. Oh, and also (d) not on topic.
And the fact that she says (direct quote), "And yes, I do look at a group of people and generalize." is exactly what racists and misogynists all over the world do, though not usually with such pride.
Seriously, dude, the point is not that I'm different. The point is that Lisa's frequent posts about how the womenz are so very different from the menz... how their job is to take care of the husbands and lose weight, and so on... are (a) sexist, (b) not at all helpful to women (or men), and (c) just plain wrong. Oh, and also (d) not on topic.
And the fact that she says (direct quote), "And yes, I do look at a group of people and generalize." is exactly what racists and misogynists all over the world do, though not usually with such pride.
Why are you trying to start something? Please stay on topic.
Why are you trying to start something? Please stay on topic.
Because I'm in the habit of calling out sexism when I see it. It makes people think twice before doing it again. And it makes me feel better.
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