Mother trying to help with diet- but she hurts instead (blood, overweight)
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Tried to talk to her about it. She's in denial. She literally said she didn't tell me to pick two foods. She did. I wrote this post right after it happened. I have a perfect memory. Almost photographic.
She claims she was just telling me to make better choices that day. No, she was telling me what to do. It wasn't all nice nice like she was helping. It was, no you shouldn't eat all of it because it's too many carbs. After the fact she thinks she is so nice. She doesn't see that she criticizes.
She claims she wasn't bossing me, and I could do what I want, but she was just trying to tell me that it isn't advisable for a person on a diet to eat all that carb heavy food. My mother is in medicine.
I tell her that my friend who lost 100+ pounds enjoys holidays and vacations as she pleases and has all along, which helped her lose the weight. My mom claims, well yeah but she lost the 100, you haven't. I tell her that the lifestyle is flexible to help people stay on it.
She keeps saying, "you brought it up"
Yeah I said, I can't wait to eat all the good Thanksgiving food. Not that I need to diet on Thanksgiving.
She jumped to talking about carbs and not eating everything.
You're engaging! It doesn't matter at all that she doesn't see your point of view. It does tell you that discussion on this topic won't work and she's not open to your feelings. You are living YOUR life.
Why do you continue to discuss this with her? If you live away from your mom, why are you tolerating her comments? Your response should be, “Mom, I’m responsible for what I eat. I will no longer discuss this with you.” Change the subject. If she continues, end the conversation.
Yup.
Your mother knows all your buttons, because she installed them.
Just refuse to engage her on the subject.
I say 'just' as if it were easy, I know it isn't, because I had a similar situation with my mother. Nevertheless, it's what you have to do.
Flat out ignore her, and if she persists, hang up the phone or leave the room or refuse her dinner invitations. No dramatic announcements needed, just do it. She'll know why. She'll either change her behavior or she won't, that's not your problem. Your problem is changing YOUR behavior. And if that means staying away from her, well, that's what it means.
You really do have a lot of power in this situation. Use it.
You bet your bottom dollar when my niece is sliding into some "iffy " territory of choices I ask her how that fits into her journal for the day. She sometimes gives the...hmmmm....your right! Or Ya Know Aunt Nov, I think I banked two points so that cinnamon bun is okay today. Mind you we are both pretty easy on one another since we have that regard of Looking out for one another and not against one another.
You also need to stay in your lane. Your niece’s food consumption is as little your business as the OP’s eating is her mother’s. Whatever your intentions...
I think what you eat during thanksgiving is no big deal.............except if you are, in your mind, making it a big deal because you plan to overeat/binge.
Sounds like you have too much interest in, too much of a connection, with food. Cooking as a hobby, watching shows about cooking/food, yeah, that might be something you should consider changing.
You also need to stay in your lane. Your niece’s food consumption is as little your business as the OP’s eating is her mother’s. Whatever your intentions...
A Lane?
Ohhh ...the old chastising - Know your place Missy!
Pardon as I review that as an adult :
Yes, that line of thinking was dismissed years ago.
I agree, stop engaging. Don't JADE -- justify, argue, defend, explain. Pick one response --"there you go again Mom" or something similarly bland-- and repeat as necessary. Do not get into lengthy discussion. Take the power back from her.
Why do you continue to discuss this with her? If you live away from your mom, why are you tolerating her comments? Your response should be, “Mom, I’m responsible for what I eat. I will no longer discuss this with you.” Change the subject. If she continues, end the conversation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by athena53
Yes, but the OP still needs to get through Thanksgiving if she'll be with her family. And, as someone who monitors my weight carefully and lives mostly on rabbit food, I understand indulging on Thanksgiving- I plan to as well, and then get right back to my healthier habits.
I agree with not discussing eating with Mom but if the OP is having a meal with her or eating a mini-candy bar when she's around and Mom starts nagging, maybe she could say something like, "Mom, one of the things that makes me overeat is stress, and what you're saying is adding to my stress levels. It's not helping." And change the subject.
I'm sorry your own Mom's like this. It's one thing when another person does it & you can just cut them off, but one's OWN mother. I totally understand about health conscious mothers. While my Mom's not a vegetarian, she takes all kinds of vitamins (as I do, espcially the last 4-5 yrs MUCH more consistently), hasn't eaten a hamburger since before I was born, meditates, goes walking 4-6 days a week, & so on.
But there's certain things my Mom will never say to me in a million years & what your Mom's said to you are some of them. It's hurtful & does no good to say. There was a time my Mom was reminding me to take vitamins & drink water all the time. She doesn't really do it anymore hardly since about the last 5 yrs because she knows I do it all consistently, but she'll ALWAYS remind me to do certain beneficial things...I guess that's just what she'll always do even when I'm 50. Now although my Mom hasn't said anything hurtful, I got tired of her reminders all the time too, but Ive never had to actually tell her to STOP, she seemed to know her limits w/ that.
Hurtful comments though is another whole (bad) level. Every time your mom says hurtful comments, not only point them out to her & say that's unnecessary & that you're going to end the conversation or phone call if she continues, but also maybe don't talk to her for a 1-3 days after that OR a little longer than whatever the amount of days you normally talk to her. Hopefully, she'll get the picture. Life's too short to constantly be broken down & berated every other day (or however often you talk to your mom).
It's really tough when the person's in denial because it will be the constant, yes you said it/no I didn't conflilct. Who needs that?! It's like beating a dead horse. So I'd say definitely keep your distance more or talk less on the phone, etc. to the point where it's obvious to her. If it's subtle, she won't connect why you just haven't talked for just a day the other day.
Last edited by Forever Blue; 11-14-2020 at 02:02 PM..
It sounds more to me like you are intentionally baiting your mom, because you WANT her to chastise you. You know, so you can complain that she chastise you. Because you just really want to be "RIGHT." You don't care if you are eating well or not, when it comes to conversation with your mother. You care only that you win an argument. And if you're having a nice conversation and not arguing, you'll bring up something you know will start an argument, JUST so you can try and win it.
My suggestion: stop doing that. You're a big girl now, you don't need mommy's permission or blessing to make your own decisions in life.
Or...if you can't manage that:
Learn to enjoy losing the argument. She's your mother.
How would you feel about skipping Thanksgiving with your mother. Could you go elsewhere (Covid might make that not a good idea) or pick up a meal somewhere?
And stop bringing up food and dieting to your mom. If she brings it up change the subject.
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