Do your parents live with your family? (furniture, dining room, cleaning)

[I LOVE PA!]

Hi! I'm faced with a big decision and don't know how to go about figuring out waht to do. My parents, ages 77 and 82, are getting into the years where a large home and its upkeep is getting too much for them, in addition to their health declining, and needing some assistance when one of them is sick. They live 5 minutes away, for which I am greatful, but my husband works long hours and we have 2 teenage girls, so keeping up our home and helping them keep up theirs, is a challenge.
I don't want to wait till one of my parents passes to have the other come live with me. I think that might be much harder emotionally, as well as physically.
So! I want to have them live with me now. I originally was going to sell my house and build another with a small apartment for them so they would have their own living quarters. This would be a lot of work, becasue it would involve the selling of two homes, getting rid of a lot of my parents things that they won't need and trying to time this all while building a new home. Almost impossible.
I now am thinking of putting an addition on to my house, but there is limited room for an extension. Funds are also limited. They currently have a 1700 sq. ft. house full of furniture. I realize, and they do too that downsizing is a must, but how many sq. ft. would be comfortable for a living roon, kitchen, dining area combo and at least a 12 x 14 bedroom and a handicap bath?
Then my other thought is...do I wait? Should I let them live in their own home as long as possible? This has many downfalls.
I just do not know what to do and the clock is ticking!
I'd love to hear what others have done in my situation. I know parents go to live with their families all the time.

[dreamofmonterey]

You are fortunate to live so close. If they are ok with downsizing you may need to get rid of alot of the furniture- I assume your house is already full?

I took care of my Dad and as they get older-less is more. Esp if they have mobility issues. Get rid of the junk. If they are amenable to moving in with your family-great. Just make sure they are comfortable with it- and they will be fine.

I would think it would be way too much work for you to care for them and another large house. In their late 70's-80's people get tired of maintaining a house- My Dad only really needed a small condo, no staircases (dangerous) and absolutely NO yard- it was just something else that became too much to maintain.

sunny

[belovenow]

I think, if at all possible, building an extension on your existing house is a good idea. You might want to take out a Home Equity Loan (or home equity line of credit - not as good due to variable rate) on your parent's place (or your place), use the money to do the build, then sell your parent's place once they move (and use part of the proceeds to pay off the loan).

What I like about this idea is the simplicity. You don't have to sell two places and build another. Your own family is minimally impacted (you and they don't have to move), and I think financially you might be able to swing this.

In terms of necessary size for the extension - I don't think you need to build anything massive to achieve the desired result. Wouldn't a studio apartment design suffice? Bedroom/living room/partial kitchen pretty much as one room with an adjacent bathroom. I think building less would be ideal - I'd ask myself, do they really need a full kitchen (won't they be eating with your family? - can't they use yours?). I would definitely tend to keep things simple and small for the extension.

My grandmother lived with my family in her final years and we didn't add an extension to our home, we just moved her in and turned the dining room into her bedroom. She used the existing TV, kitchen, bathroom ecetera. It wasn't a hardship for anyone, we enjoyed her company immensely. Fundamentally, I'd wonder if you would want to do this for your parents... just move them in as family members. Sure you'll need to create extra space for them, but not that much if they use your kitchen and dining space (and use your living room when they aren't watching TV in their bedroom).

[Sgoldie]

I don't think you'd need anything more than the size of a master suite big enough for elbow room, a place for a bed and dresser, a couple of reclining chairs for their privacy and for snoozing, and a tv. If you're going to add a bathroom make it a shower stall that they can get into with a handheld shower head as opposed to a tub. Also, keep doorways wide for possible wheelchair access.

[sweetana3]

Do your parents agree? You could go to a lot of work and find out that they refuse to move however nice it may be. That is the situation we find ourselves in. At 85, hubby's father refuses to move out of the dangerous and hard to maintain house 700 miles away. Even mom cannot change his mind and she is willing to come. It is irrational since we would love to have them close, have all the money to make them comfortable, etc.

Doctor said more damage would be done with the stress of a forced move. So we are just hanging in there.

I agree that a master bedroom type arrangement with maybe a tiny snack area and room for comfortable tv viewing and wheelchair access would be best. Then they can have a snack or coffee/tea, water and keep cold medicine handy without having to involve the family in their life.

[NewHomeHappy]

I sent you a PM.

This was the biggest mistake I ever made and I can't take it back.

[Coyote_Blond]

My Grandmother lived in an assisted/over 55/still independent apartment complex until her death. She was just down the road from my mother who checked in on her weekly & called daily. They had a great staff there.
My other grandparents still have their home in another state with some other nearby family. Well, my gramma passed away 2 months ago. But grampas chugging along. As for my own folks. My sisters taking my mother and I get dad. I made her shake on it!

[yellowsnow]

I did this for 11 years. It was a huge mistake. They would have been better off in assisted living with access to activities, transportation, and things to do. I had to be everything to everyone, the cook, chauffeur etc. Any idea how many doc appts older people have? If they had been in assisted living, all this would have been taken care of. We could have just enjoyed each others company. I was working full time, trying to care for a huge house, and my parents. It was just too much. Next, my parents were socially isolated. They had what they needed but they knew I was stretched thin and they wouldn't ask for extra rides to do this or that. They were bored.

Life in assisted living would have been more enjoyable for all.

[I LOVE PA!]

Assisted living does sound like a good idea, but to have a small apartment, not just a bedroom, would cost about $4,000. a month minimum. That is totally out of the question. I nkow they have tons of Dr. apts., my parents are to at least 2 Dr's a week, every week. My Mom calls it the medicare train.
Yes, my parents do agree to move in with me, provided they have their own privacy. They need space of their own, coming from a large house. Also, I find that if there was only one of them, it would make a huge difference in the amount of room they would need, opposed to 2 people. They would still be cooking for themselves most of the time too. Bedroom still needs to be the same size as now as they have 2 twin beds and are both on oxygen machines, have 2 dressers....they also have 4 yound grandkids that come to visit, and I wolud want them to have their own space for visits.
My parents have done so much for me, I understand this won't be easy, but they deserve to be taken care of after all they have done for me.

[tasmtairy]

I am living in NC because I can be closer to my parents, 77 and 76. My mom has had several health issues and still does and had fallen quite a few times this last year. My Dad is very active, still takes care of the 10 acres they have and is a custom knife maker. My goal is to have them live in their house for the rest of their lives, whatever it takes. I feel that is why I am here. I am lucky that they are not disabled. I come over every weekend and pay the bills, my mom has a torn rotater cup and is making mistakes in the checkbook. My Dad is cooking, baking and is doing everything since my mom has slowed down some. This is a man who was taken care of for 40 years with cooking, cleaning and all of that stuff. He has really stepped up!!

Since I moved here (7) years ago, my mother has had open heart surgery and back surgery. I wouldn't trade my being here for that for anything. We have gotten so close since I moved here. I know them both better now then every. I had an adult foster home in Oregon for 5 years, I know the importance of independence for the elderly. If something happens to my dad I will definitely move in with my mother, if something happens to my mother, my dad will be fine and I will make sure he lives at home for the rest of his life. He is very stubborn and his grandfather died shortly after being moved to a care home in California, I will not do that to them.

I know this is a hard situation and being a caregiver, I know the frustration and when money if a factor, it is even harder. I am fortunate that I am single and my daughter is in CA. My brother is here. There are a lot of scenerios that play out in my head. I never thought I would be in this situation, where the possibility of losing one of my parents is closer than I even want to think about, but I do and I talk to them about it. They are very definite about their wishes. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Sorry this is so long...