Massive Flow Of Bull**** Continues To Gush From BP Headquarters (New Orleans: how much, house)

[diablo234]

Thought some of you Louisiana residents would get a kick out of this.

Massive Flow Of Bull**** Continues To Gush From BP Headquarters
June 7, 2010

http://http://www.theonion.com/articles/massive-flow-of-bull****-continues-to-gush-from-bp,17564/ (http://http//www.theonion.com/articles/massive-flow-of-bull****-continues-to-gush-from-bp,17564/ - broken link)

LONDON—As the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico entered its eighth week Wednesday, fears continued to grow that the massive flow of bull**** still gushing from the headquarters of oil giant BP could prove catastrophic if nothing is done to contain it.
The toxic bull****, which began to spew from the mouths of BP executives shortly after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig in April, has completely devastated the Gulf region, delaying cleanup efforts, affecting thousands of jobs, and endangering the lives of all nearby wildlife.
"Everything we can see at the moment suggests that the overall environmental impact of this will be very, very modest," said BP CEO Tony Hayward, letting loose a colossal stream of undiluted bull****. "The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean, and the volume of oil we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total volume of water."

According to sources, the sheer quantity of bull**** pouring out of Hayward is unprecedented, and it has thoroughly drenched the coastlines of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, with no end in sight.
Though no one knows exactly how much of the dangerous bull**** is currently gushing from BP headquarters, estimates put the number at somewhere between 25,000 and 70,000 words a day.

"We're looking at a truly staggering load of **** here," said Rebecca Palmer, an environmental scientist at the University of Georgia, who claimed that only BP has the ability to stem the flow of bull**** and plug it at its source. "And this is just the beginning—we're only seeing the surface-level bull****. It could be years before we sift through it all and figure out just how deep this bull**** goes."

"This bull****, it's everywhere," said Louisiana fisherman Doug LaRoux, who lost his house to a tide of government bull**** following Hurricane Katrina. "It reeks. Big buckets of disgusting **** are oozing everywhere you look and I don't know if it's ever going to stop. I feel helpless"
Added LaRoux, "I never thought I'd be the victim of so much bull****."
Observers have noted that after the Exxon Valdez spill in 1989, corporate bull**** gushed up like a geyser for two decades and didn't wane until the oil company had bull**** its way through an exhaustive process of court appeals that ultimately reduced payouts to victims by 90 percent.
Congressional hearings aimed at stopping the bull**** have thus far failed to do so, with officials from BP and its contractors Halliburton and Transocean only adding to the powerful torrents of bull**** by blaming one another for the accident.
Along with the region's wildlife and fragile ecosystem, countless livelihoods have been jeopardized by BP's unchecked flow of corporate ****. Those who depend on fishing or tourism for their income are already feeling the noxious effects of the bull**** firsthand, as out-of-control platitudes begin to reach land and seep ashore.

Despite Hayward's denials that BP is at fault for the environmental disaster and his concern that it will result in "illegitimate" American lawsuits, the embattled CEO has still managed to trickle out a few last drips of bull**** sympathy for Gulf Coast residents.
"I'm as devastated as you are by this," Hayward said after a meeting with cleanup crews on Louisiana's Fourchon Beach. "We will clean every last drop up and we will remediate all of the environmental damage."
"There's no one that wants this thing over with more than I do," he added a week later, just absolutely defying belief with the thickest, most dangerous bull**** yet. "I'd like my life back."
Millions of Americans reported feeling ill and disoriented upon contact with that particularly vile plume of bull****.
Many environmentalists, including Palmer, have called for a boycott of BP until the bull**** stops or is at least under control, but they emphasize that in the long term, Americans will have to change their habits if they wish to avoid future catastrophes.
"We must all work together if we're going to cure our nation of this addiction," Palmer said. "The sad fact is, the United States has been running on bull**** for decades."

[diablo234]

On a side note I am glad to see the Louisiana mods and posters have a sense of humor regarding this disaster. I posted this article in the Mississippi forum as well and the mods deleted it because of bad language (even though it was already censored. )

On another note I hope everyone in the seafood industry there including the fisherman/shrimpers recover.

[Ethansmimi]

I'm a Northeastern Louisiana resident. I speak slowly with a southern bell accent, however, I am in no way slow. It astounds me how through all my life, oil rigs and offshore drilling has been a way of life for a multitude of residents and nonresidents. The hard work and dangerous jobs that come with that lifestyle have made the corporate wealthy more wealth and with all the higher education in that realm of wealth and politicians, no one had a "plan" to cap a well? Now that we're in a crisis situation and it is that, indeed, the justice for our home state is moving at a snail's pace??? Obama's paycheck continues to roll as he was slow himself to get involved. Our coastline and our wildlife habitats are suffering. We will forever be changed and our "South Louisiana Culture" which was just rebounding from Katrina and Rita, has one more mountain to climb. The businessmen and women who rely on the coast for their living are suffering and it will be a chain reaction. Where was OSHA? Where IS OSHA? No one is asking for handouts or welfare and yet that is what BP has made these business owners feel like. Thank God Bobby Jindal is fighting for us. HE would be a Great President.

[Innotech]

Jindal is the man. The Onion is hilarious. Louisianians make light of any situation. I bought a Tshirt in New Orleans after Katrina that said "I stayed in NeW Orleans for Katrina and all I got was this lousy Tshirt a new Cadillac and a plasma TV"

[Pretzelogik]

Equal only to the Massive Flow Of Bull**** coming out of DC

[diablo234]

Originally Posted by Pretzelogik

Equal only to the Massive Flow Of Bull**** coming out of DC

No disagreeing with you there.

[SacalaitWhisperer]

Jindal claims to have spoken to Jesus in person. He is a douchebag.

Ask him. He claims he AND his sister had a conversation with Jesus. Face to face. ASK HIM.
He is a whackjob at best. The guy claims Jesus and he had a face to face conversation!!!

Oystermen don't get their jobs back after the moratorium, ya bunch of whiney redroughneck crybabies.
The oil industry obviously doesn't have a clue. They have RUINED the Gulf.

Anyone stupid enough to believe anything an oil company says at this point, is, well... pretty much a moron.