Returning to my "native" Massachusetts with my foreign wife (Boston: home, unemployed)

[bolehboleh]

Maybe it's the nerves of my big move that are prompting me to write in this forum, but I guess I just wanted to seek out the advice of other who've been in the same situation I'm going to be in in a few months.

I've lived away from Mass for the better part of 9 years. Some of the time has been in other states, but the last six years has been overseas with a bulk of the time spent in Malaysia.

We are moving back to Mass to try out life there. Life has been pretty good for us in Kuala Lumpur, but we both want to try our luck back in the States. For her, there will be a considerable amount of culture shock as she has only visited Mass once. For me, I expect reverse culture shock to be a factor in my return.

It's kind of funny. When I was younger, all I wanted to do was get out of Mass and now it seems all I want to do now is return. It's taken me years away to truly understand why I love Mass and the whole New England region. Being away has helped me to understand how I'm truly a "New Englander" with my ways of doing things and my belief systems. Sometimes I feel more like a "New Englander" than an American, if that makes any sense.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, how do I get my Malaysian wife to appreciate the area as much as I do? How do I help her to love it as much as I do?

[KellyCrash]

I think you have a right to be nervous based on the differences in the climates. Does she seem excited by the change? I love change. Every move is an adventure. I think it depends on your wife. Are you going to be living near family?

[bolehboleh]

The weather will probably be an issue the first year or two. My wife has lived in Melbourne, Australia before and she loves to tell me how cold it would get in the winter there. But it seems like their cold is about our average in autumn.

My parents have been good enough to allow us to stay with them in Billerica. Plus I have family in Nashua, NH and various places around CT. Once we both get settled with jobs we'll probably move closer to Boston.

I love to travel and see new places too...but sometimes I like to see things that are familar as well. I've been blessed with the amount of wonderful places I've been...and there is still so much I haven't seen. I'm sure my wife and I will go to other places one day, however, I'd love it if we could still call Mass our home.

[ogre]

Three suggestions:

1) Get settled with jobs, and out of your parents' house, as soon as you are able. Once, while unemployed during a recession, I moved back in with my parents out of necessity after having lived on my own for three years or so. I can tell you from experience that you want this arragnement to be temporary, and to be in place at all only out of necessity.

It's an unnatural situation to be living with your parents when you are a grown adult. Even though you love each other, it's guaranteed that there will be tension. This would likely be even more the case with a spouse living with you. Staying with your parents for an extended period is likely to cause enough of a strain to give a negative feeling to your whole living situation. If your wife generally feels stressed out about your living arrangements, that's not the best way for her to have a positive feeling about any aspect of the life she's living at the time, including the general area or region.

2) Focus on finding a local community that has the features you both enjoy. A positive feeling about everyday life around you is likely to translate into at least a generally positive feeling about life in the larger area.

3) Don't get too caught up in the idea that your wife HAS to LOVE Boston/MA/New England as much as you do. Every place has its pros and cons, and no place is perfect for everyone. Let her find her place naturally, at her own pace. If you find a local community where you're both reasonably content, your wife might or might not find over time that she really loves the region. If so, great. If not, well, she is her own person with her own preferences. As long as she's happy with you and with her everyday life locally, you'd be stirring up trouble to push for more than that.

[bolehboleh]

Thanks for all of the suggestions.

As for suggestion number 1, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I love my parents but I'll be turning 32 right around the time I'll be moving back so I know we shouldn't stay long. My wife is convinced we should stay around a year, but I'm looking more towards a goal of six months. It's mostly cultural though, as in my wife's culture it's generally more acceptable to live with family

2. I'm sure we'll find a good community. We won't have cars either, so we'll have to find a place along the T. My wife is funny though, she's not interested in living in a neighborhood with lots of immigrants! She told me "I'm not moving all the way to America to live with other Asians!" Kind of funny.

3. I'll try not to get too caught up. I think in time she'll learn to love the area like I do. We've also discussed that if things don't work out in Boston, we could always go back to Kuala Lumpur. We both have enough contacts there that we could probably find work more easily that if we stayed in Boston.

Anyways, thanks again ogre and Kelley!

[brightdoglover]

Just curious- what features and factors have you come up with that make you love New England- "ways of doing things and belief systems?"
I have the same vague feeling about New England after some 36 years here (moved from south Jersey/Philly area at age 20) and I wonder if I'd miss it should I move.

[bolehboleh]

I guess I was being a bit vague, but there're always some things that stand out when I travel to other places around the country. I might be making gross overgeneralizations but these are only things I've observed.



1. We're frugal. (not cheap!).

2. We're humble. Whenever I'm abroad there's people will always tell me how Americans tend to be louder and love to brag. Whenever I've traveled around the US I find that to be true. Yet, when I come home to Mass, I find that to be less so.

3. We're more willing to walk places. Let's face it, Boston is a very walkable city so when in Rome... Whenever I encounter people from the midwest, (or southeast asia for that matter) They'd rather drive.

4. We're less religious than the rest of the country. Just look up the facts and they speak for themselves. Also, there tends to be a "live and let live" mentality about the religious people we do have. Religion in New England is less "in your face," and that suits me just fine.

5. I find that progressive/liberal thought in New England tends to be very different from liberal/progressive thought on the West Coast. I still find that New Englanders tend to be fairly conservative and very hard working yet are more willing to vote "liberal" because we believe in the best quality of life for all. Honestly, west coast liberalism sometimes seems less rational (okay maybe I'm overgeneralizing again.)



My father grew up in Jersey City, NJ and he thinks that New Englanders don't have a sense of humor but I tend to disagree. It's just different from what he's used to.



Anyways, that's all I can think of for now. Take care!

[charles65ofboston]

I so understand!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have lived in the UK for nearly 10 years and I am still a New England thinker!!!

I think we are unique among the US states....our own little world up in the north:-)

I could write a book about my "New England Ways" of doing things and how they are NOT the way things are thought of or done anywhere else!!

Heaven help us....but it is so hard to change!!


Charles

[redsoxwalking]

Just wanted to wish you well with your journey. I think a happy home will go a long way towards a smoother transition for your wife. She is obviously cherished, so I am betting on you guys! I just surfed here from a blog post about a guy who moved from Guam to San Fran in case it's helpful ( Notes from San Francisco | zen habits ) you are not alone!

[bolehboleh]

You all have been great! Thanks! I showed my wife all of your comments and it put a smile on her face.

Now if I could only get her to like baseball!