Where to begin.... (smoke, addicted, pill, pain)

[the city]

So lately I decided I want to deal with myself.

First thing on my mind is I have a role model and I been trying to live my life by how he lives his life.

My cousin Chris had one girlfriend and married his high school sweetheart, went to both of his proms with his girlfriend, went to his grad night, graduated from CSU Dominquez Hills, is a Christian, and was a scrawny guy but now is way buff. And he and his wife have good jobs in a town near the city where they grew up.

Now, his background is ALOT happier than mine. And I have talked to Chris a couple times and he has told me "good job kid' and said "he's proud of me" and always asks me how I am doing. Then, when I text him I never hear back. And he lives two hours and a half away from me. So I cant talk to him about my life struggles and Im sure he's busy and Im sure me texting might seem weird. All though, I did text him once about something else and it was a good talk....

Now, I have the worse self image about myself. Have struggled with negative thoughts and come from a home where my sister has mental issues since she was raped at a young age and my brother is autistic. I got into a fight during high school, ran away from home one time, but on the bright side of high school I was in sports, drama, other activities, and youth group for a while. And I dated a couple girls. And I went to my junior prom with a date, and my senior prom I drove with one friend and it sucked because my friends were jerks and didnt let me come in their group to prom. And I was also invited to go with all females to another prom, but I decided to go to my own prom. And I went to my grad night.

My freshmen year of college I lived in the freshmen dorms, but this lead to the many issues I am facing today. Another family member of mine smoked pot and I smoked some with him and my other family member spent alot of time with me. And is the total opposite of Chris. This family member is alot like me and has cut himself before, had suicidal thoughts, and is a little more reserved. Not only this but my freshmen year I had drug addicted friends to pills and who went raving and I eventually had to leave my friends alone. And then I made friends with fraternity guys and this really messed me up. And my cousin chris's brother is the total opposite of him a "pig" a guy who goes from girl to girl and parties and parties and is a disgusting frat. and the frat guys really lifted me up only to learn they only wanted me to be a puppet. I mean I did everything to fit in with them like dressing like them, going to frat parties, smoking cigs and hookah, and getting drunk and almost having sex.

And I dont know how his brother Kevin can be such a pig. I know this guy is distant from the whole family though and hardly ever visits everyone and does his own thing.

So after my freshmen year I decided to get myself away from the fraternities and the dorms and moved back home to attend two community colleges near home. And now I got into the local high-ranked college near home called Cal Poly SLO.

And I want to major in Sociology and learn how to deal with social problems like poverty, gender, and discrimination in society and I feel the people in this major are "different" like me.

But my biggest pain right now is that my role model has no contact with me and probably doesnt even know he is my role model. Nor he probably doesnt care. And I dont rely on my friends or family to raise me up. Im the kid who has had a job since age 15 and been doing things on his own since he can remember.

Now Im back in my hometown hanging out with older guys and girls that are older than me and grew up with me, but I never hung out with them til now. Since Im at the point where Im done acknowledging people in college. When a frat person, environmental activitist, slutty girl, or some one in my class approach me to hang out I blow them off because I know how things were my freshmen year. So I go to school for an education and then drive home and spend no time in campus life.

Recently I am now talking to a guy about my issues because he has felt the same way.

So I am trying to figure out how to deal with the feelings of feeling alone. I have always felt like Im a lone wolf. And I plan to go back to the gym one day and work out again because thats adds to being tough.

[purehuman]

Hello the city....I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept responsibility for who you are now.....the past is the past...you have your whole life ahead of you...deciding that you don't want to socialize with the others on campass....that's your choice.....not a fault of your fellow students....You are lonely because you choose to be...you may be a lone wolf.....but you never know...their could be a she/wolf in your future.........oh, and though you may think that working out in a gym makes you tough...being REALLY tough is all about the mind.

[Lodestar 77]

I see by your profile you are a Christian. C-D has a Christian message board, perhaps add that one to your subscribed forums and get information there, in the form of advice and scripture, pertaining to your future and increasing your faith that God will take you down the right path to your destination in this life. Here are some examples of scripture for you to read: Proverbs 3:5-6 and Proverbs 16:3 I use the NIV Rainbow Study Bible).

[Marlow]

I think you're finding yourself in a spot where many people your age find themselves--really trying to define who you are and how you're going to live your life. You sound like you're making good choices right now. Just keep doing that. Continue your education, work hard, stay away from drugs, treat women well--you're going to be fine.

About your role model, you don't necessarily have to talk to him often for him to be a good influence. After I had graduated from college and was a bit aimless, I often thought of a woman I had gone to high school with and who I greatly admired. She had come from a very large, poor family, didn't speak English when she started kindergarten and never had anything handed to her. Despite all that, she was super smart, ambitious, kind and thoughtful. She went to an Ivy League college and then medical school. For a time, when I was making decisions about what to do, I'd ask myself "Would Sara feel proud of me if she knew I was doing this?" And I always made the decision that I thought would make her proud. As I got older, that stopped. But my point is that you probably already know the behavior that your cousin would approve of. Just do that.

Also, about friends and people you're hanging out with. There's an old saying, "If you want to be successful, hang out with successful people." You can learn a lot from your peers. Make a point of hanging out with and emulating people you admire. Not in a creepy, stalkerish way, but in an observant, respectful way. You describe yourself as lonely and a lone wolf. I think it's because you just haven't found people to hang with who share your values.

Congratulations to you for knowing that there are good ways to live your life and not-so-good ways to live your life. Tell yourself that at every crossroad you will take the right path and you should be just fine.

[the city]

Originally Posted by Marlow

I think you're finding yourself in a spot where many people your age find themselves--really trying to define who you are and how you're going to live your life. You sound like you're making good choices right now. Just keep doing that. Continue your education, work hard, stay away from drugs, treat women well--you're going to be fine.

About your role model, you don't necessarily have to talk to him often for him to be a good influence. After I had graduated from college and was a bit aimless, I often thought of a woman I had gone to high school with and who I greatly admired. She had come from a very large, poor family, didn't speak English when she started kindergarten and never had anything handed to her. Despite all that, she was super smart, ambitious, kind and thoughtful. She went to an Ivy League college and then medical school. For a time, when I was making decisions about what to do, I'd ask myself "Would Sara feel proud of me if she knew I was doing this?" And I always made the decision that I thought would make her proud. As I got older, that stopped. But my point is that you probably already know the behavior that your cousin would approve of. Just do that.

Also, about friends and people you're hanging out with. There's an old saying, "If you want to be successful, hang out with successful people." You can learn a lot from your peers. Make a point of hanging out with and emulating people you admire. Not in a creepy, stalkerish way, but in an observant, respectful way. You describe yourself as lonely and a lone wolf. I think it's because you just haven't found people to hang with who share your values.

Congratulations to you for knowing that there are good ways to live your life and not-so-good ways to live your life. Tell yourself that at every crossroad you will take the right path and you should be just fine.

Thank you! Those words helped. And I don't call myself a lone wolf because of my friends. It's because I don't rely on my parents or friends for help. My friends and family tend to be really unconfrontational and I tend to be more direct and upfront with people. I have gone up to people who have hurt my friends and slapped them in the face and told them off and said I have the nerve to report what they did to the cops. And everyone time I talk to somebody it scares the **** out of them. I lived LA for a period of my life and I tell you I picked up on how to deal with different people real fast. I must have had gone through knowing every main ethnic group, person with certain problems, and my own problems in a short time. After that returning home to my small town, I could confront the issues here because they were NOTHING to the crap in major city.

Maybe people get scared of me because I am going to be a drug and alcohol counseling intern and I have knowledge on how to deal with problems.