Help With My Father... (personality disorder, cancer, therapy, suicide)

[HollaGeo]

I am 30, married, with a baby on the way in September. My father and I have never gotten along. He wasn't the best husband and wasn't the best father. He would argue with my mother a lot (Who passed away in 2005 from cancer). As I was always closer with my mother, I would get involved and defend my mother. I found out last year he had affairs, etc, etc.

Here is the tricky part about the situation. He has Multiple Sclerosis (sp) which SUPPOSEDLY brought on borderline personality disorder.

Since my mother passing away, he has dated a few women but ultimately all the relationships ended. After the break-up(s) he becomes suicidal, drinks, passes out and ends up in the hospital. This routine plays out until he meets somebody else.

He also does not get along with anybody in the family. He at one point was a successful advertising photographer but ended up losing his business due to many reasons and is currently hoping he will get approved for disability.

Whenever we speak it turns into an argument within minutes. His psychologist says that he has behaved this way his whole life because of M.S. and un-diagnosed borderline personality disorder. I don't know if I completely agree with all that. A lot of us in the family feel he drinks, failed suicide attempts, complains as a way of getting attention.

I barely peeled the onion...but do any of you know anybody with borderline personality disorder and how to deal with a family member? The fact that he is going to be a grandfather scares my wife and I. We want him included but his behavior and mine are going to have to change. I will admit I added "fuel to the fire" over the years but was always able to justify myself. I would also like to add that the relationship he has with me, mirrors the relationship he has with his brother. Help???

[scratchNsniff]

I know a few people in my life with similar things going on. They are just too toxic for regular people to be around. It is best to limit your interaction with them. You can't constantly have your life revolving around dealing with his messed up life. If you must have him in your kid's life, have supervised visits with him and make them short. Try to never get caught up in his emotional feedback loop either. I know it's all easier said than done, but there's not much else you can do.

[looking4answers12]

It's nice that you still want to include him in your children's life. I won't tell you not to do that, but I urge you to be very selective in how much you include him and how you include him.

Family is so complicated. I feel for you. I wish I could give you more/better advice.

[deliz]

I would be extremely hesitant to let this man near my children. BPD is nurture not nature derived most often therefore it takes YEARS to live even a modestly normal life with intense therapy. My ex married a BPD and my children have virtually no relationship with their once close father. Sad and disturbing. These people are very very cunning and destructive