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After being served divorce papers I became EXTREMELY PARANOID and afraid for my life. I believed my husband of 8 years was a DRUG DEALER out to kill me. I even started seeing NON-BIZARRE HALLUCINATIONS.
I then noticed that none of this made sense; thus having the painful realization that I HAD LOST TOUCH WITH REALITY.. but at what point this did happen? I was EXTREMELY depressed before this - psychotic depression, perhaps?- But WHAT IF THE MARRIAGE ITSELF IS IMAGINED (again, marriage was very odd - now that I am looking at it with perspective. Add to it that my husband hasn't contacted me once in the FIVE MONTHS and no one asks about this - ever!)?
Everything still looks quite real to me so I am quite DISTRESSED and don't know who/where to go for help - it's not like I am seeing flying unicorns or anything so it's difficult to tell what/who is real and thus who can I trust as a REAL resource. I have no idea what's happening to me and I am TERRIFIED.
I AM DESPERATE BEYOND DESCRIPTION. ANY SUGGESTIONS / OPINIONS / INSIGHTS / ADVISE / ENCOURAGEMENT would be MUCH appreciated.
XTRA:
Up until being served divorce papers, I had been very ill since my late 20's (mostly older person's stuff - which is in itself odd). I am now 42.
Even with all the stress, I am inexplicably feeling better! How is that possible, after years of struggling with my health? Poof, I feel better! Just like that??? It doesn't add up... NOTHING ADDS UP!
Being out of a marriage that sounded pretty bad alone can make you feel better. Not living day in and day out under that stress of your spouse might be contributing to you feeling better physically. However, you are not feeling better emotionally. I do not understand why you are so upset to get served with divorce papers months after leaving your husband, that sounds pretty normal. I would think you would also be glad to be getting out of that marriage. If you are having hallucinations and trouble telling what is real then you need to see a psychiatrist and get evaluated.
Thanks for taking the time, lil kitty & broken crayola. I know I have to get help... the thing is if I don't know what's real and what's not, so how do I know if the help I seek is real or imagined?
I say this because I was seeing a psychiatrist (for ADHD) but the guy never spoke much and the whole thing was just weird, like everything else in my life (now that I think about it, with the knowledge that I might be chronically mentally ill -with insight).
For example, this marriage, "my husband" had MANY properties but never put even ONE in my name, was wealthy but never shared it with me, NEVER had intimate relations with me in EIGHT YEARS, etc. Weird, right? Same with other aspects of my life (NO ONE LOVES ME, or cares about me regardless of how nice I am etc.), everything always goes wrong. I have not had one entire week where I experience joy, even as a child (which is another thread; but there was physical abuse, extreme poverty and abandonment).
All these things are possible; but for EVERYTHING in my life to to be so negative; ALWAYS, is just not realistic. I am starting to think that my brain is just broken and will default to the worst case scenario. I am afraid if I go to a hospital or the like, my brain will make me think the experience as negative as possible.
I am just trying to use this new-found insight to figure out a way to distinguish the real from what may not be and then go from there. Does that make sense?
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Lifeinterrupted. All I can do is tell you what I would do in your situation. I would ask a trusted friend or relative to accompany me to a local mental health center and ask to be evaluated. It sounds as if you might really need help getting through this. And that would be the very best thing you could do for yourself. It might be something as simple as a chemical or hormonal imbalance. Or it could be something that could be treated with the right prescription and therapy. But you need to find out what's causing you to feel this way first. Sometimes it takes a lot of searching to find the right person to help. Not all mental health professionals are created equal, so if you feel as if one isn't actually helping you, find one who will. You're important and deserve to feel better.
I think you ought to get yourself to your county's mental health urgent care clinic. It would be preferable than calling the crisis line and them sending the cops to escort you. You could end up with an ambulance bill, is what I'm thinking.
If you can drive, take yourself there. Call the county health department, or your doctor and tell them you want to go to the mental health emergency clinic.
If you don't, you could end up with what's called a 5150 here in CA, where you get checked into a mental hospital against your will. Not something you want on your record if you can avoid it.
You need to get stabilized. And as far as not knowing what is real, trust yourself as far as getting to the clinic, and that the folk there are real and will help you. You are aware of the fact that you are at your computer typing, so you're not all gone. Get to the clinic, get stabilized. You'll feel so much better.
NoMoreSnowForMe, many thanks for the information. I just googled 5150 and it doesn't sound like fun! This has been going on for a while and I understand the urgency of the matter, believe me I DO, but I am not a danger to myself or others, so I am waiting until I cover all angles in a more informed way (things such as a good facility/psychiatrist who takes my insurance, what kind of condition am I dealing with here etc.) before I take the leap, so to speak. I have read horror stories about "just going somewhere" and they all advice to be informed first. Your comment about being aware enough to be posting here helped a lot. I guess all I am seeing is real and the unanimous advice I am receiving is GO GET HELP NOW.... I am listening!
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, lifeinterrupted. Those feelings must be very terrifying.
I agree with those who've suggested that you get help. One of my close family members is a 24-year-old man who has the same symptoms as you -- he cant distinguish between what's real (events, voices, even people) and what's not. His paranoia is unbelievable -- his mother took him shopping at a mall recently and he was convinced that anyone there with dark eyes was out to kill him. He's been diagnosed as schizophrenic.
I dont tell you this to scare or upset you and I'm not implying that you have this mental illness. There could be other causes for what you're experiencing. But you need to see a doctor and find out ASAP, as early treatment is much more successful than delayed treatment.
I hope you'll heed everyone's advice and come back here to post a followup. Everyone here cares very much about you.
Thanks TFW46. I appreciate the response. Don't worry, you are not scaring me, just being helpful Besides, I have been reading about every mental illness out there and I already diagnosed myself with each and every one. At this point I don't care what I have, so long as I am aware of what's happening and can take the necessary steps to improve.
I will most certainly follow up once I figure out what kind of help I can get.
Up until being served divorce papers, I had been very ill since my late 20's (mostly older person's stuff - which is in itself odd). I am now 42. Even with all the stress, I am inexplicably feeling better! How is that possible, after years of struggling with my health? Poof, I feel better! Just like that??? It doesn't add up... NOTHING ADDS UP!
Yup, depression is a screwed up thing. Personally, I suffer tremendously from what is called Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's more than just the "winter blues" for me. It is a very predictable annual downward spiral into a madness-infused depression, then a slow and steady recovery spanning the latter half of the winter season. It only effects me when I choose to remain in my home state during the winter season. Usually I winter in warmer and sunnier climates. This year I am not, and am therefore dealing with the ramifications.
Clinical depression encompasses so much more than just emotional sorrow. Physical symptoms present themselves in various forms, as do perceptual / thought distortions (paranoia, etc). Although my annual voyage to hell and back is both predictable and usually avoidable, the facts that I must either spend a copious amount of money to avoid it or stay up north and battle it will probably remain with me for the rest of my life. Unless you're lucky enough to be able to confide in someone who suffers to the extent as you do, by and large most people will try to minimize your suffering. This includes most doctors.
I've been prescribed anti-anxiety medication in the form of Xanax, as well as various anti-depressants like Welbutrin & Zoloft. The anti-depressants do very little for me and their side effects are intolerable. The Xanax helped to ease my anxiety symptoms, however it lost it's effectiveness due to tolerance and I refused to up the dosage. Cannabis (pot) is the closest thing to a miracle cure for my depression. If you happen to live in a MedMar state, I'd recommend giving it a shot.
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Besides, I have been reading about every mental illness out there and I already diagnosed myself with each and every one. At this point I don't care what I have, so long as I am aware of what's happening and can take the necessary steps to improve.
