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Tldr; thank you to anyone who reads this til the end.
How to start, I am what you call an anti-social person. A loner. Usually depressed. Yes, i suffer from chronical depression. Yet my feelings and emotions are so overwhelming. I worry too much. I often get scared i will be left alone. I am overly sensitive and vulnerable. I have my bright days, too, though, but there has to be a trigger for it.
I have been together with this boy, he is turning 21 soon. Yet our relationship got somehow complicated and he broke up with me. Still we are on good terms. He calls me and texts me everyday. He cares for my well-being. He still has this bad habit to call me honey or by any other cute nicknames couples would call each other. Though he stated he has no longer any romantic feelings for me I still love him.
The problem is I can't be without him. I feel it inside I can't live without him. If he sees me only as a friend, it is not what I want. I can't forget all the time spend together and move over it and start being a friend. I can honestly say he is my one true love, the only one I want to grow old with. Spend my entire life with him. But knowing he doesn't feel the same it ruins me inside. I was never a strong person and he gave me all the strenght i needed to live on. But that is not the reason I love him. He is perfect in my eyes. I have been in relationships before but this never happened to me. That I would become devoted to someone as much as I am to him. He means everything for me and my whole existence and life depends on him. He became my only happiness. Even though you might think it's wrong, I feel like this and it can't be changed. I never loved anyone so much that I would think it will last forever. I always had doubts but not now. I know I won't be able to love anyone else again after loving him and giving him all my heart.
The problem is when I feel insecure and weak, all these bad thoughts about future start to pop out in my mind and i start to cry. Then I get nauseous and it ends with throwing up. I get no sleep and i rarely eat. Because I can't imagine not having him by my side, not being part of his life. I can't imagine him dating someone else or falling in love with someone else. All those thought make me feel miserable and broken, inside and outside as it end with me throwing up or crying rivers.
As I am still alive even with time I know I won't move over it. I feel that i won't be abe to forget ever. All the things around me remind me of him. Be it music, movies, weather or fresh air, I can always remember there was a time like that we spend together and we were listening to a certain song, watching a movie or took a walk when it was sunny or extremely cold and we could breathe in some fresh air. There are so many other things but let's say it is just everything. Even a chair he sat on reminds me of him. I can't stop thinking about all this. I never stop. It all happens even unintentionally.
I am afraid he is only here for me because he feels somekind of a pity towards me. That he might be worried I will do something bad to myself. But I don't want to drag him down with me. Always bother him with my feelings though he says I am not a bother. Sometimes I feel the only option for me is to commit suicide. Thus I would release myself from this constant pain and suffering because I can't accept how things turned out and release him from me, myself. I need him in my life but not only as a friend. I don't force him to show any kind of feelings to me but if he perhaps does and says something nice to me even if it is not meant in a romantic way, it always makes me feel happy, better and relieved.
Love means everything to me. The feelings I hold for him mean everything for me, even life itself. Things don't work without him. I get overly anxious and scared when I don't hear from him a half day.
Why am I unable to let go and move forward ? Why can't I just let go of my feelings and get over it ? He carved himself so deep inside my heart I am unable to do so. I won't be happy without him. 2 months passed when he broke up with me, we still met each other after that and spend some time together and it certainly was intimate. But as for other people, time won't heal it. Even if years pass by I will still feel like this. I will love him as I do now. But knowing he doesn't feel the same and me not knowing what place do I have and will have in the future in his life makes me feel again anxious and miserable.
Thus I think about killing myself twice a day. Not because of him but because I feel like a failure. As someone who couldn't make the person they love the most stay and feel the very same. A failure who lost all of it and the person they hold the dearest. Don't get me wrong. I could never blame him or hate him for what he did. But I only blame myself. Even though he is still in my life and continues being here I won't be satisfied just with that. I am indeed selfish in this case and want more than him to be a friend or think of me that way. It would be much worse if he left me behind and ignored me since the time he broke up with me. But this current situation doesn't make me happy either. The only thing I can think about is really leaving this world so I would find some rest and finally get over my love and all the overwhelming feelings. But even that is not something I want. I still have this little light of hope inside me that perhaps he will change his mind or realize that he actually still loves me too.
It might look as this is no real issue or problem. But it is serious for me. I am dealing with all this these last 2 months and I can't find any piece in mind or something which would bring me to another thoughts.
I am also not a native speaker so excuse my grammar and mistakes. I will be happy for any advices, sharing stories or opinions and kind words since negative ones won't make me feel better at this point.
If you don't have any family members or friends to confide in, then seek professional help now. You shouldn't have your entire life focused upon attracting one specific person, to the exclusion of every other person. You're very, very young, and these things happen, to everyone, all the time.With counseling, and the passage of a little time, you won't focus on this single problem nearly as much, and your outlook will improve dramatically.
If you don't have any family members or friends to confide in, then seek professional help now. You shouldn't have your entire life focused upon attracting one specific person, to the exclusion of every other person. You're very, very young, and these things happen, to everyone, all the time.With counseling, and the passage of a little time, you won't focus on this single problem nearly as much, and your outlook will improve dramatically.
Get professional counseling now.
I agree.
You never know when things can be turned around. So if you need the help to talk with someone, just go to counseling.
A good job may appear, the love of your life may be just around the corner...
Remember: LIVING ! the only thing worth fighting for.
If you don't have any family members or friends to confide in, then seek professional help now. You shouldn't have your entire life focused upon attracting one specific person, to the exclusion of every other person. You're very, very young, and these things happen, to everyone, all the time.With counseling, and the passage of a little time, you won't focus on this single problem nearly as much, and your outlook will improve dramatically.
Get professional counseling now.
Yes, I forgot to mention I already had counselings and pay a visit to my psychiatrist every month. I also got meds for depression and the sleeping issues. But it doesn't really help. Nothing does as it seems. I don't see any difference. I might be young compared to others here. And I think being 24 isn't so very young.
Tell your psychiatrist immediately that you are feeling like this. There are so many different meds and you are obviously in need of something different. You sound a lot like me with the way you described your feelings, and the only thing that seems to be working is a mood stabilizer, as well as a tranquilizer. Those SSRIs make it worse for me.
And FWIW my thoughts on suicide, after a LOT of reading and research and thought...we are alive for a reason, and everything we go through is for a reason, at the soul level we chose it all before we came here for our soul's growth. Suicide will bring you right back into another body, to repeat the same lessons. Which makes it illogical. There's always another way out of the pain. Don't even entertain those thoughts anymore.
Selenada, I feel for you. Depression is a very hard thing to live with and when coupled with anxiety and mood swings it is even worse. I've been there and I lost my son to it.
The irony is that I was searching for a means to help my son and only after he took his life did I find what I believe to be the help that would have taken him out of the clutches of his anguish. Being pretty depressed myself at the time I applied what i had found to myself and I can say it works better than the meds I was on. I am convinced it would have helped him.
So I'll share with you. L-Tryptophan and L-Theanine. That's it. L-Tryptophan to raise serotonin levels and L-Theanine to raise GABBA levels. GABA being GammaAminoButaricAcid. L-Theanine is found in tea and L-Tryptophan is found in cashews (raw). They are amino acids that the brain uses to form the two neurotransmitters, serotonin and GABA. Serotonin is the mood stabilizing neurotransmitter and GABBA is the calming neurotransmitter.
These are available from various suppliers. I get mine online. Drinking tea and eating cashews doesn't quite give us enough when we have it bad. You may want to give it a try and see if it helps you. These are not drugs (just amino acids - brain nutrients) so won't do you any harm. Do beware that the L-Tryptophan doesn't push your serotonin levels too high if you are on serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRI's)
Oh, just one more thing, I don't think my son was able to consider the pain his death would bring to those of us who loved him and he left behind. After two years I still grieve daily. I don't blame him though. It would be selfish of me to expect him to continue in his pain just to spare me mine. He went through a crises that fateful night, one he couldn't live through.
And it does. I am in the middle of my counseling that is giving me real support. I had counseling that didn't help because I did not know was wrong. Finally I found help- was listened to and I have been able to be open and honest with what I am feeling.
And my pain is way down (and it was soooooo bad, hated every part of my life). It is going away!
Again-- H ang. O. n. P ain. E nds
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