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We have a couple in our extended family that has two little girls with a rare-ish form of muscular dystrophy. These little girls are 7 and 5 I believe and it's been a challenge to raise and deal with them Anytime you have special needs kids it's obviously a challenge. The mother of these little girls seems like she's taken on an activist sort of role in dealing with this disease. She's on FB talking about the girls all the time and she has a HUGE amount of FB friends and she's very active and talks about the girls and their day to day needs. She gets tons of comments all with the usual stuff like hang in there and all kinds of other "keep your head" up type posts. That's all good and fine, we all can use a kind word here and there.
She's also very active in a support group for the medical condition that the girls have. She's very involved in all of the issues surrounding this condition and this all sounds good and dandy. The problem I have is that she doesn't actively do much for the girls, her MIL and her mom and her husband do most of the day to day stuff like feeding them, bathing them, all of the more physically demanding parts of dealing with this isssue. This has been going on for years now and I don't want to disparage the mother but it just seems to like she's getting off on all of the "attention" she gets from her friends and FB "family" of people.
It's like she just seems to get off on the attention and everyone telling her how great she is and what a rock star she is for raising these girls and like I said, she hardly ever does the heavy lifting, she's busy with work or this or that, We've heard grumblings and comments from people in the family over the years that indicate what I'm saying here.
I wonder if she really is dealing with some kind of Munchausen type thing here. She's not actively hurting the girls, but man, she sure seems to soak up all of the attention and praise for being a "good mother" LOL, when she really isn't all that involved.
I have a disabled child myself (as well as a typical child). These kind of moms certainly exist - having a child with a disability will often push some unstable people into a variety of all-consuming roles. The martyr, the depressed, the I'm a hero through my supermom internet identity. Yep. Know them. I also find it much worse with one child/all disabled children. They have no point of comparison to see how the world still continues and "normal kids" matter just as much.
Sad. Therapy should come with a disabled child's birth, just IMO.
I have a disabled child myself (as well as a typical child). These kind of moms certainly exist - having a child with a disability will often push some unstable people into a variety of all-consuming roles. The martyr, the depressed, the I'm a hero through my supermom internet identity. Yep. Know them. I also find it much worse with one child/all disabled children. They have no point of comparison to see how the world still continues and "normal kids" matter just as much.
Sad. Therapy should come with a disabled child's birth, just IMO.
We don't have kids or have too many friends that have kids so I'm out of the loop a bit here, but your post here makes it sound fairly common??? Is stuff like this sorta common?
I've heard stories of those parents that dote on their kids too much and how little Johnny is just this or just that, etc etc.
IDK, like I said we don't have kids so I'm not sure about whether or not I should even really be commenting on this situation and it's none of my business and she may be a great mother, but as I said you can sorta see how people operate after a bit and she sure seems to love the "poor you how do you manage" sorta thing.
Frankly caring for these girls would be a challenge as these two girls are never going to independent and they have much more shortened life span because of this condition. Just makes my eyes water a little typing that. Sad stuff.
We don't have kids or have too many friends that have kids so I'm out of the loop a bit here, but your post here makes it sound fairly common??? Is stuff like this sorta common?
I'm not sure it's common in general, but tunnel vision is common in disabled parenting, particularly when they're young and it suddenly is an identity forced on you. It's very hard, but most people adjust. If that parent wasn't mentally well before the child, it can probably lead to situations as mentioned before.
I taught special education for over 30 years, and worked closely with hundreds of parents over that time period. While it is a matter of degree, in all those years I have only worked with two parents who probably would have been diagnosed a form of "Munchausen by proxy syndrome" (one parents was fairly mild and the second had more serious problems)
Now, it does happen more often for one, or both, of the parents to bask in the glow of attention while letting others do the "heavy lifting." But, I certainly would not call it "common". Of the hundreds of parents that I have worked with, perhaps only two would fall into that category.
One of those parents, who became a state, even national, expert in her child's disability knew how to "work the system" to her (and her sons) full advantage. The state paid for 24/7 nursing care for her son and the only time that she, or any relatives ever provided "hands on care" was in an emergency if a nurse was late. Now, I am not criticizing her, as her other children were much, much better cared for and more well adjusted than most people who have a severely disabled sibling. I was his home bound teacher from the time he was 10 until he passed away at age 15, and his mom and entire family loved him with all their hearts.
Most parents of children with a handicapping condition are extremely hard working and dedicated to the care of their child.
Last edited by germaine2626; 10-15-2016 at 09:12 PM..
No, it's just narcissism. Most parents try to live through their kids by having say the smartest, cutest, best at sports, and/or best at the arts kid. She's trying to have the sickest kids and get attention for it. How terrible considering she doesn't even really take care of them.
Munchausen syndrome by proxy (MSBP) is a mental health problem in which a caregiver makes up or causes an illness or injury in a person under his or her care, such as a child, an elderly adult, or a person who has a disability. Because vulnerable people are the victims, MSBP is a form of child abuse or elder abuse
From the definition ^^^^^^ your friend/family member has something else going on from your description of her actions.
This is only my understanding of the definition and what you have described.
I agree with CSD610 (but I am no expert in this area at all). What struck me about the initial question was that I didn't think that is what Munchhausen by Proxy was at all. To me, it sounds perhaps more like 'avoidance' than anything else. She distracts herself from having to face it all .. or maybe even feels some guilt that she has two kids with the same issue - do you know if she is a carrier or has the recessive gene maybe?
It sounds as though she may need some counselling but from your description while it may seem that she is lapping up attention .. it seems to me she is actually doing something quite different .. trying to convince herself that this is all not quite real (hence avoiding actual hands on with her kids too) and/or trying to feed her self-esteem because inside she feels responsible for her children suffering so. It may initially have started when she tried to understand the condition and treatment, etc. and over time has morphed into her 'needing' the attention to keep herself diverted from the real issues she should be dealing with. It isn't pleasant to know that your kids will suffer and then die early - and some people just can't/don't handle that well at all.
We don't have kids or have too many friends that have kids so I'm out of the loop a bit here, but your post here makes it sound fairly common??? Is stuff like this sorta common?
I've heard stories of those parents that dote on their kids too much and how little Johnny is just this or just that, etc etc.
IDK, like I said we don't have kids so I'm not sure about whether or not I should even really be commenting on this situation and it's none of my business and she may be a great mother, but as I said you can sorta see how people operate after a bit and she sure seems to love the "poor you how do you manage" sorta thing.
Frankly caring for these girls would be a challenge as these two girls are never going to independent and they have much more shortened life span because of this condition. Just makes my eyes water a little typing that. Sad stuff.
Seems to be the exact opposite of what your OP said.
I think we never know what someone else's life is, unless we live with them. Just because a few outsiders have claimed that the MIL and Dad do for the girls, doesn't mean the Mom doesn't also.
So, if she is sharing their lives with others, and gets some kudos, so what. She may be educating many people, like yourself who have no knowledge of the girls medical condition, or parents new to this situation and in that way helping others. Nothing wrong with that imo.
I agree with CSD610 (but I am no expert in this area at all). What struck me about the initial question was that I didn't think that is what Munchhausen by Proxy was at all. To me, it sounds perhaps more like 'avoidance' than anything else. She distracts herself from having to face it all .. or maybe even feels some guilt that she has two kids with the same issue - do you know if she is a carrier or has the recessive gene maybe?
It sounds as though she may need some counselling but from your description while it may seem that she is lapping up attention .. it seems to me she is actually doing something quite different .. trying to convince herself that this is all not quite real (hence avoiding actual hands on with her kids too) and/or trying to feed her self-esteem because inside she feels responsible for her children suffering so. It may initially have started when she tried to understand the condition and treatment, etc. and over time has morphed into her 'needing' the attention to keep herself diverted from the real issues she should be dealing with. It isn't pleasant to know that your kids will suffer and then die early - and some people just can't/don't handle that well at all.
It turns out that she does have the gene that "caused" the issue, for a lack on another way of saying it. I'm not trying to be mean here, I can't imagine how tough it would be to have a child that you know isn't going to live much past their late teens early 20's... so I am approaching it from that mindset.
I was just wondering how often this happens. Maybe it is avoidance, but I think it's more than that... it just seems like she spends so much time talking about it with her friends and it just appears like she's not at home with the kids doing the work as it were.
I get that it's easy to armchair quarterback this and make judgments and all and anyone can say whatever, but there is something going on past just simply researching and being up to speed on the disease. Lots and lots of praise and kudos and all is coming in while she appears to be doing more campaigning for the disease than actually rasiing her kids... LOL...
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