My family drives me insane and I don't entirely know why (depression, psychiatrist)

[TinBo]

I've been home for fall and winter this year taking online classes, and I'm supposed to be leaving mid-February for a volunteer thing that lasts a year, but I'm not sure if I can wait the extra two months and a half. Now that classes are over for the season, and Tennessee is experiencing that special El Nina winter where it's either really cold or really stormy, all I have to do and look forwards to each day is chores, playing games, and spending time with my dad and little sister, which I feel like I should value and enjoy, but I don't for some reason. In fact, whenever I spend time with them or feel obligated to, I just feel extremely claustrophobic and irritated, and I don't know why I can't control it. It's not like I have anything better to do. Or at least I DO have other important things to do, but I can't do them because it's either too cold, too stormy, or I don't have enough space and privacy to do them. Things like exercising, or practicing playing an instrument.

It doesn't help that recently, my mother has decided to divorce my dad in favor of another man who has more money and more in common with her, partially because there were many things that mom didn't like about their marriage, apparently. Some things that I myself saw wrong, especially since my father used to have a lot of anger issues, and still doesn't get along with his own family nor half of my mother's family.

I don't entirely know why I get annoyed with spending time with my family, mainly my dad and little sister. I love both of them, and I know my little sister is a kid, and my little sister, so of course she can get woresome sometimes, and my dad is just trying to be cheerful and positive, and be his usual goofy self the times when he's not worrying about the future, but for some reason, I just feel more annoyed than anything, and there's just times where I can't take it. I feel like I'm gonna scream or claw myself if I don't get away, but I don't ever want to tell my family this because they may take offense to it, and it's not like they can do anything about it, and it's not like I can easily just walk away or walk out and live somewhere else. If I could and I knew it was my best option, I would have done it. Doing so now would mean hitchhiking or getting a FAMILY MEMBER to take me to a bus terminal, heading to the best city possible, and hoping to God I can find a job and a place to stay while I'm there before I either run out of money and have to go back home, or end up homeless on the streets.

I would talk to a psychiatrist about this, but oops, can't do that or else they'll diagnose me with depression or anxiety and put me on pills and GUARANTEE I can't get into the military, and it's not like I can afford the medication anyways, and I honestly don't think I need it. I've seen how strong, brave, and enduring I can be while tutoring disability students and doing hard, physical, manual labor for volunteer work, and on many occasions, I've made myself exercise and eat right to lose weight, and I have had some success. I really believe that I just need to get away.

The only time I get to go out of the house is whenever my dad takes me and my little sister grocery shopping and on errand runs, and when my mother picks me and my little sister up to hang out at her and her fiance's trailer home. With the exception of going over to my mom and step-father's place recently, this routine has been the same thing since I was a little kid, and I'm 21 now.

I spent my teenhood playing videogames and being homeschooled. My parents homeschooled me because they were afraid that public school would have a negative impact on my character because of my parents' issues with my older sister when raising her, which according to my older sister whom I talk to more now that we're both older, her behavior was largely due to our father mistreating her because she was from my mother's previous marriage. I don't know to what extent of what she told me is true, but I don't think my sister would lie to me, and while I do remember my father saying and doing things in the past that I don't agree with now, I don't think he's evil like my sister makes him sound. For now, I've come to the conclusion that it's just two different people who really didn't understand each other nor did they get along, and they both have their own stories based on their own perceptions of how each of them treated each other.

At one point during my teenhood, I started to crave experiencing things like a teen, you know? I wanted to be on a sports team, get into fights before I could go to jail for it (foolish, I know), have friends, have a serious girlfriend or at least have sex, especially with the pressure society puts on guys over not getting laid soon enough in life. I know girls get a similar kind of pressure about their sexuality as well, but anyways, the point is, I started to try and make a push to try and find some way into high school or some alternative thing to go to where I can have a social life, but my parents were not having it. At the time, I didn't know about AmeriCorps and other similar organizations, and my parents were not having it with me going to public school, but they couldn't afford private school, and the only alternative we looked at with Gateway Christian Schools was some hybrid between homeschool and on campus courses, but it just felt and looked like jail, and the science book tried to say something like it's a scientific fact that God created Earth and the Moon, which my dad was just not having.

After that, I kind of just gave up on finding a way out and went back to playing video games until I "graduated". Afterwards, I rushed off to college thinking I was going to become an engineer and experience ALL the things I missed out on in high school, only to find myself bored, lonely, largely ignored and out of place with no idea what I want my major to be, and seeing a school counselor who possibly diagnosed me with depression and/or social anxiety that lead to me taking anti-depressants for a month, which sucks because that may have made it where I can't join the military for AT LEAST three years, and the military may have been my only straight-forward out of my hole because I have NO trade skills and NO trade certificates, no money, no vehicle, and I live out in the middle of the country. I CAN work a job nearby, but that would mean having to either have my father carry me and drag along my little sister to work early every morning for several miles, which is a strain on them and unreliable for me, or I would have to live with my mother and my step-father (assuming they get a house) and work at a meat factory nearby, but just living with them is "taking a side" that invites even more family drama.

So now, because I was in such a rush to get out of the house and go to college like everyone was telling me to do and what I thought to be my only option, my only options in life right now are:

To do a year-long volunteer project to get money so I can hopefully finish my degree on-campus and work a job part-time nearby so I can HOPEFULLY save up money so I can move out, get a vehicle, and afford a place to live, which is sounding VERY difficult right now because I have no valuable skills other than "how to read maps", and that doesn't mean jack-**** until I get that degree. Then I have to compete against OTHER egg-heads who have more experience than me, which is part of the reason I'm doing a year-long volunteer stint.

Attempt to join the military so I can make decent money, have a place to live, have steady employment, earn my degree, and establish a concrete place for myself in society completely independent of my family, which is what I want to do the most at this point but may not be able to if I can't get a medical waiver, which requires me to get in touch with my old school doctor so I can get my medical records or at least check to see if I have any, which I'm having a hard time doing for some reason. Getting in touch, that is.

Move out RIGHT NOW, with only $700, and hope to God I can find a place where: There's decent jobs, living is cheap, and I can actually get to the damn jobs without a car. Considering that this is the U.S. and not South Korea or Western Europe, that's a HUGE challenge. My best bets so far are to move in with an aunt of mine in Toledo, or live in Cleveland, according to some other threads of mine.

I'm especially worried for my little sister and her going through the same issues, except she has the added disadvantage of being a female. Because I'm a guy, and I lack social experience and skills, people just won't **** with me. If I'm not interesting, and I seem even a little off, creepy or offensive because I lack understanding or perception of some social norms and ques, they just won't have anything to do with me unless it's to get money out of me, but because my little sister is a girl, there are going to be more people who are going to try to take advantage of her. This is part of the reason why I want to join the military: So I can set aside money for her easily, and encourage her to go do something like NCCC for a year first before deciding to go to college, and so she won't feel like she has to join the military just to find her place in the world and survive.

I think in short, I've always been at least a little annoyed with my family because they're the only people I see and deal with day in and day out, and I have no outlets, but now that I see that not everything is even OK within my own parents' relationship, and have seen just how vicious my family can be to each other, I'm fed up with their **** and want nothing to do with it anymore, especially since I'm REALLY am starting to feel and grapple with the consequences of my upbringing and the choices I made because of it.

Sorry for this long post. I wanted to post on a psychology forum, but I couldn't find a reddit, and I didn't want to spend 15 minutes looking for a psychology form just for it to be dead and not get a response.