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I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I'm a person who's gone through years of abuse (physical and emotional) from school classmates to family members. I'm still very angry about that today. Anger and sadness seem to be the two main emotions that I feel most days. Some days I feel better but it usually doesn't last. There are times where I feel so angry that I just isolate myself from my family and stay in my room. I try to hide it around family because I don't want them to worry. I work at pretty much a dead end job that I don't really like. I'm only 19, so there aren't many "great" jobs I can get because I don't have much work experience. I don't have much money and probably won't be able to move out for years to come. I've gone to psychiatrists before and I got put on anti-depressants once but I didn't feel any different. I'm not interested in doing that again though because I don't want to go through life having to take medications to feel happy. My mom has mental health issues and she takes meds herself. One time, she ran out of meds and was going through the withdrawal symptoms like crying uncontrollably and being in pain. That was horrifying to see. I would never want to go through life like that. I don't want to have to rely on pills for something as basic as being happy. I didn't even ask to be born nor did I ask to be put through the things I was put through. I'm not suicidal at all though. I've thought about it before but I've never tried because I couldn't purposely try to hurt myself.
So very sorry. Perhaps taking up a non-competitive sport, like joining a running or hiking group would be beneficial to get you physically moving. That can really help with brain function and emotional healing.
I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I'm a person who's gone through years of abuse (physical and emotional) from school classmates to family members. I'm still very angry about that today. Anger and sadness seem to be the two main emotions that I feel most days. Some days I feel better but it usually doesn't last. There are times where I feel so angry that I just isolate myself from my family and stay in my room. I try to hide it around family because I don't want them to worry. I work at pretty much a dead end job that I don't really like. I'm only 19, so there aren't many "great" jobs I can get because I don't have much work experience. I don't have much money and probably won't be able to move out for years to come. I've gone to psychiatrists before and I got put on anti-depressants once but I didn't feel any different. I'm not interested in doing that again though because I don't want to go through life having to take medications to feel happy. My mom has mental health issues and she takes meds herself. One time, she ran out of meds and was going through the withdrawal symptoms like crying uncontrollably and being in pain. That was horrifying to see. I would never want to go through life like that. I don't want to have to rely on pills for something as basic as being happy. I didn't even ask to be born nor did I ask to be put through the things I was put through. I'm not suicidal at all though. I've thought about it before but I've never tried because I couldn't purposely try to hurt myself.
Try this,
Anger comes out of fear.
What is your fear?
Why do you have this fear.?
Where do you place your ultimate reliance in life.?
Anger comes out of fear.
What is your fear?
Why do you have this fear.?
Where do you place your ultimate reliance in life.?
I can't really answer your first two questions. I have anxieties about certain things but I can't pinpoint one thing that I fear which makes me angry. I don't really understand your third question.
Be honest...why not seek a therapist that you can OPEN UP TO and they are out there and many many on a sliding scale or almost free basis. You stay in the suffering mode and look for answers here.
It's been said that depression is the flip side of anger. You have anger. Depression and sadness are ways of taking anger out on yourself, blaming yourself. It isn't your fault so don't blame yourself.
Maybe you can find a good therapist who won't give you pills. Often that can be a social worker. They don't prescribe pills, they listen and offer help instead. You're going through a transition right now--a transition into adulthood. Transitions are usually difficult. Look up "social services" in your area and try to find a really good social worker. If the first social worker doesn't work out, try another until you get the right fit. It isn't hopeless even though it may feel that way right now.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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I read through a little bit of your history, Randomguy, and you just seem kind of "stuck" in a rut. In middle school you were called ugly, but not in a long time, and now you're just kind of biding time with no real goals.
You need an adventure. Like, a 4 day whitewater rafting trip with a guided group, or decide to go spend the summer somewhere FABULOUS (I can recommend the Florida panhandle or the Cape Cod area) and do whatever work you do for work, and rent a room.
I know you'll probably answer, "I can't, because . . . " but you really could if you tried. And it will blow out the cobwebs.
Pull yourself out of your rut. My guess is, you're not actually ugly, or at least not in a way that's startling. In Judy Blume's juvenile fiction best seller "Blubber", the title character was "fat, but not the fattest girl in the class". Kids decide to pick on other kids based on how vulnerable/unable to defend themselves the kid is, not really that they're noticably ugly, or fat, etc. It's the shy, low self esteem personality that attracts the bullies, and then the bullies just kind of make up something to criticize very often.
OP, who referred you to psychiatrists? Was that your school? Who paid for those sessions--health insurance, or did your parents pay? If you were to go to a therapist now, could your parents pay for it?
Psychiatrists do tend to push meds. There are psychologists out there who do actual therapy, but the challenge is finding a good one. What helps to find a good one is knowing what you need, and narrowing down the field so you can zero in on the ones who offer what you need.
You can start by doing a search using different key words in combination with the terms "Psychologist" and also try "counselor", plus your town. Look for someone who deals with childhood abuse. It sounds like you need to do grief work, as well as anger work, in addition to getting help making sense of your experience. (There are people who can help you express you grief, and will give you techniques to get your anger out of your system.) So if you turn up a counselor who works with family abuse/childhood abuse issues, and also lists as an area of expertise--grief counseling (grief is not limited to loss of a loved one. It can be about loss of an innocent childhood, grieving the absence of love in a family, etc.), then you might be on the right track. Study the websites of the names that come up. You can make this a project for the week, just searching around, and reading websites, learning about what's out there.
Try just that much, and get back to us with what you find, and any questions you might have.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-21-2017 at 01:24 PM..
OP, who referred you to psychiatrists? Was that your school? Who paid for those sessions--health insurance, or did your parents pay? If you were to go to a therapist now, could your parents pay for it?
Psychiatrists do tend to push meds. There are psychologists out there who do actual therapy, but the challenge is finding a good one. What helps to find a good one is knowing what you need, and narrowing down the field so you can zero in on the ones who offer what you need.
You can start by doing a search using different key words in combination with the terms "Psychologist" and also try "counselor", plus your town. Look for someone who deals with childhood abuse. It sounds like you need to do grief work, as well as anger work, in addition to getting help making sense of your experience. (There are people who can help you express you grief, and will give you techniques to get your anger out of your system.) So if you turn up a counselor who works with family abuse/childhood abuse issues, and also lists as an area of expertise--grief counseling (grief is not limited to loss of a loved one. It can be about loss of an innocent childhood, grieving the absence of love in a family, etc.), then you might be on the right track. Study the websites of the names that come up. You can make this a project for the week, just searching around, and reading websites, learning about what's out there.
Try just that much, and get back to us with what you find, and any questions you might have.
My mom made me go. She suffers from bipolar depression and saw signs that made her think I was depressed. She made me see a lot of different ones and one gave me anti-depressants but I didn't feel any different. I was 15 at the time. I saw one for a few different sessions but I stopped after a while but she didn't really help either. I think the reason I stopped going to her had something to do with my mom's insurance. If I were to go again, I'm pretty sure my mom would pay for it.
My mom made me go. She suffers from bipolar depression and saw signs that made her think I was depressed. She made me see a lot of different ones and one gave me anti-depressants but I didn't feel any different. I was 15 at the time. I saw one for a few different sessions but I stopped after a while but she didn't really help either. I think the reason I stopped going to her had something to do with my mom's insurance. If I were to go again, I'm pretty sure my mom would pay for it.
That's good that your mom would pay for it. Because some insurance plans require there to be a resolution to the condition within a certain number of sessions, which causes practitioners to push meds. So if you have an independent funding source, there will be no such pressure. Psychologists aren't certified to prescribe meds, anyway. If you can get to the bottom of your depression, and express your emotions in a supportive environment, vs. bottling them up, after releasing all that energy, you should feel better without meds.
I've seen people get really impressive results from the right therapist, but the patient has to be actively involved in their own therapy, too. This means doing "homework", like reflecting on certain things, generating some insight to share in the next session, or sometimes doing exercises, like writing all your emotions down on paper--let's say, someone you're angry at. Just pouring everything on the page. The most effective therapy, IMO, is not where you just sit and talk for an hour, while the therapist takes notes--that old chilche. It's where the therapist helps you figure things out after hearing your story, and gives you suggestions of things to think about, or do, at home. So a team effort by both therapist and patient.
So you can look around on the internet, and see if you find some therapists in your town who sound promising, along those lines. And your mom was great to allow you to try different ones. Sometimes that's what it takes. But knowing what to look for in the first place can eliminate a lot of trial and error.
Does that make sense?
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