What to Do About Possible BPD Elderly Mother - Any Tips?

[lubby]

Originally Posted by mdcmm-78

My mother is 75 and in good physical health for the most part. She was born and lived most of her life outside the US. I brought her to live with me about 8 yrs ago, when she got suddenly ill; she's ok now.

She's travelled to visit family often, but has mostly stayed with me in my home with my spouse and 2 kids. When she is in a good mood she is wonderful to be around and we love her company. She's super helpful and generous. But that is only around 30% of the time. Another third of the time she's complaining about life, pessimistic/semi-depressed, and the last third she can be super critical and angry. She always had mood swings and angry outbursts while I was growing up. I think it's Borderline PD.

After a while having her living with us, her attitude and OCD tendencies about the mess WE make in MY HOUSE, and her controlling ways began taking a toll on our family. Also, she is the type that wants to get in my business all the time providing unsolicited advice and this led to added pressure in some difficulties I was already facing in my marriage of 14+ years.

With so much going on I almost had a breakdown. For my sanity, I decided to get her an apartment close to me. It has many upgrades, brand new appliances, it's quiet, nicely decorated, comfortable, safe.... you name it. When she is there I can actually see a change for the better in her demeanor, like she is calm, more positive, etc. and I am SO relieved to have my space and quiet time at home. But since she has never lived on her own for very long, she insists in coming to my house and staying with us when my husband is out of town for work (most of the time). She acts like a victim and says she does not want to be alone, or it's too cold there, or something hurts, so I let her come back and stay. The thing is soon after she comes, her calmness begins to fade. It's like she has to create conflict. She begins acting out with her OCD, and all the other stuff I mentioned.

She has no friends here because she's very timid socially and also the language barrier. Also she does not drive. She rarely goes out with us because our nature and family trips (zoo, bouncy houses, etc) bore her. She only goes out to the casino or dr appointments. I ask her to go stay with my brother (distant state) every now and then for some relief but she will not stay there long as my SIL keeps her in line. Extended family members do not want her to stay with them anymore because they've had disagreements with her for her attitude and they don't want to put up with her vicious comments and vindictive behavior which I have unfortunately witnessed.

I was her emotional caretaker from a very young age. I felt suffocated growing up with her and now this situation feels super suffocating at times. I just came out of a bad depression about 2 yrs ago and have grown so much spiritually and in self-empowerment. I really need my space to keep healing and taking care of myself so I can be the best mom I can to my kids and working on my relationship.

Again in her kind, loving mood she is wonderful but it doesn't last long. I've considered going no contact when she goes to visit my brother, because it stresses me out to think she will be back to disrupt my peace. She doesn't understand the concept of allowing others their space or of boundaries. She passive aggressively complains I don't give her enough attention and says everyone wants to "discard" her or have her at a distance; she does not realize her own behavior is what keeps people away.

I still want to be there for her, but my sanity... Any advice?

I can relate 100% to this, however with a few differences, my mom is 72 and still working, lives alone about 1/2 hour away. She rarely leaves the house to go anywhere except to work, CVS or the doctor. She doesn't drive out by me anymore so I have to pick her up. My mom is also Bi-polar, has Agoraphobia at times, depression and anxiety since she was a kid but it has gotten worse. She has mood swings and can be very pleasant to talk to but then she can be nasty and starts complaining about how no one comes to visit her, no one invites her anywhere, she feels like a lost soul, she hates her job, she's under stress etc... When she gets what I call "creepy" on the phone I hang up on her. It's something we agreed on. Most of the time it's nothing to do with me personally but she feels comfortable enough to take out her aggressions on me. She lives in the past and loves to bring up hurtful issues. She's also an Alcoholic. Been one for past 15 years. She always drank socially but after my dad and her brother died her drinking got worse. Thankfully she only drinks when she's not at work. She's never drank and drove. She can be very opinionated and constantly complains about how my brother and his wife handle there young children. I tell her it's none of her business. My brother and his family have stayed away from visiting her because of her drinking. They live out of state. I am there for my mom as much as I can. She used to cry wolf too. At the 11th hour tell me she can't breath and to come and take her to the ER, we'd wait 4-5 hours only to find out it's her usual panic attack. She says no one helps her (untrue)Her mom was Schizophrenic. She gets invited to things then cancels at the last minute hence the reason no one invites her anymore. She is a good person and would do anything for you but when her mental illness is in high gear it's difficult to be around her. I have gone as much as 3 days not speaking to her. She's the first one to pick at someone else's life but never looks at her own to see she has worse problems. Sometimes she doesn't even remember having conversations with me that were volatile. When she keeps busy and is at work she's fine. I never know what mood she'll be in when I call her at night. You might want to consider going to therapy to help deal with your mom. I did and it helped. Arguing with her will get you nowhere. Maybe best to keep a distance for a bit.

[jerseyj]

Originally Posted by mdcmm-78

My mother is 75 and in good physical health for the most part. She was born and lived most of her life outside the US. I brought her to live with me about 8 yrs ago, when she got suddenly ill; she's ok now.

I was her emotional caretaker from a very young age. I felt suffocated growing up with her and now this situation feels super suffocating at times. I just came out of a bad depression about 2 yrs ago and have grown so much spiritually and in self-empowerment. I really need my space to keep healing and taking care of myself so I can be the best mom I can to my kids and working on my relationship.

I still want to be there for her, but my sanity... Any advice?

This paragaph speaks volumes. Sounds like your Mum has had issues for a very long time.
Geriatric issues can be complicated and should be treated by specialists.
Get her checked out physically by an MD who specializes in old folks and then have a discussion with him/her about her disruptve behaviour. Get a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in elder care.

A few psychiatric conditions are heredtitary, important to know for your kids' sake.

You are good daughter, take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids.

[NoMansLands]

Put your foot down and make up excuses if you have to, but don't let her come over as much when your husband isn't there. Lie and say he is there and is not out of town if you have to.
Time to put on your big girl pants. You're codependent. You need to live your own life and make suggestions that she can go live hers, joining senior groups if she can get there by bus or taxi.
My take on this is that she will get sweeter the more she fears you won't cater to her every whim to come over.

[CraigCreek]

Originally Posted by purehuman

I know a close friend who has been diagnosed (for a long time) with bipolar disorder and NO, she does NOT only really care only about herself.....and YES...she can be trusted.
No-one can be trusted if you don't know them...that's folly..whether they have bi-polar or not!

BPD stands for borderline personality disorder, which is very different from bipolar disorder. It's unfortunate the abbreviations are similar and often confused, as in the quoted post. The OP's mother has borderline personality disorder, not bipolar disorder.

People with bipolar disorder usually can be treated medically and become functional - those with BPD can gain some insight through therapy, but medication is ineffective unless they also suffer from concurrent disorders such as depression, which is not uncommon. Good communication and firm boundaries are often the best way for others to deal with such individuals.

OP, I wish you well with your situation, and urge you to learn more about coping with others who have BPD. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is an excellent book for those in your situation to read, with simple, tested suggestions for interactions with those with BPD.

[purehuman]

Originally Posted by CraigCreek

BPD stands for borderline personality disorder, which is very different from bipolar disorder. It's unfortunate the abbreviations are similar and often confused, as in the quoted post. The OP's mother has borderline personality disorder, not bipolar disorder.

.

thanks for the clarification...
A definite difference for sure.....