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Of course you should have compassion, the first time - then the person who is bailing constantly should have compassion for you - it is not all just one-way.
I understand as I have had anxiety/depression myself - I "get" that you don't feel like doing things - but at some point you have to consider the effect your actions are having on others - or not - your choice, but there are consequences for all actions and some people are not going to put up with constant catering to you or disappointment.
There is stigma for good reason - I know that is not a popular opinion and it will cause people to feel angry - I "get" it - but life is hard for all of us, not just a chosen few.
You are so very wrong. And just because you have had anxiety/depression doesn't mean you can extrapolate your experience to everyone else's. There are people who literally (and I use that word understanding what it means) are unable to get out of bed when they are in the depths. It's not self-indulgent, it's not selfish--they're incapable of doing anything else. But I agree with you in that you should move on. You're not a very good friend and lack compassion.
It doesn't sound like an excuse as much as an explanation. Certainly one of the common features in depression is withdrawal from socialization and increasing isolation. I have a friend with a serious mental disorder. Sometimes she wants to go out but then when the time comes she gets overwhelmed with fear about it. If she is still struggling with it, maybe make plans at her home or something close to her home that doesn't require her to feel or act "upbeat" or to be motivated to get dressed up, etc.
Would you have this same opinion if the OP's friend had cancer and had to bail because of chemo side effects? The stigma of mental illness is strong in this country. I agree with the poster who said to tell your friend how you feel. Sometimes you are just.not.able to go out. Trying, yes, but some compassion is in order here.
Okay, I admit that I am not a very compassionate person, and so I take a rather harsh approach to people who make excuses because they "don't feel like" doing something. Depression is NOT like having a very serious physical disease in which either the disease or its treatment means that the person is actually physically unable to get out of bed. (I've had periods of depression myself, but I would never ever think or say that depression was as bad as having cancer.)
Sure, sometimes just getting out of bed might require almost a superhuman effort for a depressed person, but if s/he HAD to get out of bed (for example if a child or pet in the home was screaming in pain), in most cases, s/he would. The crucial question for me regarding the OP would be if it was an occasional depressive episode, or whether this happened frequently and almost always felt like they were just making excuses because they just didn't want to be bothered to socialize with a friend and simply preferred to be alone that day, which would be fine. I would actually have more respect for someone who would be honest about that than someone who comes across as just looking for pity.
You are so very wrong. And just because you have had anxiety/depression doesn't mean you can extrapolate your experience to everyone else's. There are people who literally (and I use that word understanding what it means) are unable to get out of bed when they are in the depths. It's not self-indulgent, it's not selfish--they're incapable of doing anything else. But I agree with you in that you should move on. You're not a very good friend and lack compassion.
I am a great friend, but I require relationships to be reciprocal. It's okay for two people to have their needs met instead of one person catering to another 100% of the time.
I do have compassion (for animals more than people, admittedly!). I do care about people, I just EXPECT friends to care about each other - and if one is always taking, that is not good (and I have put myself in that scenario, which is why I am so burnt out - I learned my lesson).
Some people are givers, some are takers - that is just something to be aware of.
Okay, I admit that I am not a very compassionate person, and so I take a rather harsh approach to people who make excuses because they "don't feel like" doing something. Depression is NOT like having a very serious physical disease in which either the disease or its treatment means that the person is actually physically unable to get out of bed. (I've had periods of depression myself, but I would never ever think or say that depression was as bad as having cancer.)
Sure, sometimes just getting out of bed might require almost a superhuman effort for a depressed person, but if s/he HAD to get out of bed (for example if a child or pet in the home was screaming in pain), in most cases, s/he would. The crucial question for me regarding the OP would be if it was an occasional depressive episode, or whether this happened frequently and almost always felt like they were just making excuses because they just didn't want to be bothered to socialize with a friend and simply preferred to be alone that day, which would be fine. I would actually have more respect for someone who would be honest about that than someone who comes across as just looking for pity.
Totally agree with you.
It may be HARD to get out of bed (you are lethargic, don't FEEL like getting up), but if push came to shove, you COULD . . . so therefore, it is a choice.
I make myself do things I don't want to do, so I am familiar with the concept of not wanting to do something and doing it anyway.
Okay, I admit that I am not a very compassionate person, and so I take a rather harsh approach to people who make excuses because they "don't feel like" doing something. Depression is NOT like having a very serious physical disease in which either the disease or its treatment means that the person is actually physically unable to get out of bed. (I've had periods of depression myself, but I would never ever think or say that depression was as bad as having cancer.)
Sure, sometimes just getting out of bed might require almost a superhuman effort for a depressed person, but if s/he HAD to get out of bed (for example if a child or pet in the home was screaming in pain), in most cases, s/he would. The crucial question for me regarding the OP would be if it was an occasional depressive episode, or whether this happened frequently and almost always felt like they were just making excuses because they just didn't want to be bothered to socialize with a friend and simply preferred to be alone that day, which would be fine. I would actually have more respect for someone who would be honest about that than someone who comes across as just looking for pity.
Holy crap, the smugness on this thread is something else. Again, you cannot assume that your depressive episode means you have even an inkling of someone else's depression. Besides, do you really want to socialize with someone who had to make a Herculean effort just to show up? You'd probably complain about how little fun they were. Anyhow, I'm out.
Depression and anxiety can create physical symptoms. I get nausea, diarrhea, dry heaving, cold sweats, dizziness, heart racing, etc. It makes me physically sick. So I have had to bail and say I was sick, because I was. They would think I just had a stomach bug, which is a much more socially acceptable reason.
I do push myself to do a lot of things now, but not everybody is in the same place with their mental health. Most of the time I am glad I pushed myself. Sometimes I regret it because I need to decompress, but I'm so afraid of telling friends I can't do something.
It's okay if that's not something you want to deal with. If I was always bailing on my friends, and never offering up any type of compromise, I'd understand.
I had a friend who constantly bailed out on plans with me, the reason she gave me when she kept bailing out on me was she was sick, had other stuff that came out, busy, tired, etc but turns out she had depression, stress, anxiety, the list goes on like that but by that stage I was too worn out to be bothered to be her friend anymore, I would like your opinion on this, should stuff like that be used as an excuse to constantly blow off plans with a friend??? please comment? any one have any similar stories to this??? share your experience???
It's sad that you're "too worn out to be her friend anymore.
Can't you be just a friend????
Can't you be a friend without feeling the need to always make plans?
I hate when people "make plans"....I have friends who I visit, and if we make ANY plans for the day, it would be with BOTH of us there, and it would be immediately put into effect....something we would do right now!!!!, not later.
I never commit myself to someone else's "plans"....it's definitely STRESSFUL to do so.
Okay, I admit that I am not a very compassionate person, and so I take a rather harsh approach to people who make excuses because they "don't feel like" doing something. Depression is NOT like having a very serious physical disease in which either the disease or its treatment means that the person is actually physically unable to get out of bed. (I've had periods of depression myself, but I would never ever think or say that depression was as bad as having cancer.)
Sure, sometimes just getting out of bed might require almost a superhuman effort for a depressed person, but if s/he HAD to get out of bed (for example if a child or pet in the home was screaming in pain), in most cases, s/he would. The crucial question for me regarding the OP would be if it was an occasional depressive episode, or whether this happened frequently and almost always felt like they were just making excuses because they just didn't want to be bothered to socialize with a friend and simply preferred to be alone that day, which would be fine. I would actually have more respect for someone who would be honest about that than someone who comes across as just looking for pity.
Please do not conflate a child screaming in pain with a friend who wants someone to go to a bar or some such.
I had a friend who constantly bailed out on plans with me, the reason she gave me when she kept bailing out on me was she was sick, had other stuff that came out, busy, tired, etc but turns out she had depression, stress, anxiety, the list goes on like that but by that stage I was too worn out to be bothered to be her friend anymore, I would like your opinion on this, should stuff like that be used as an excuse to constantly blow off plans with a friend??? please comment? any one have any similar stories to this??? share your experience???
She isn't blowing you off. No matter how much she wants to do it, she isn't capable of it. She doesn't have much choice at this time until she gets help.
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